Small steps toward reality

Had a mini panic attack while I was on my walk today. I was overwhelmed with thoughts of my husband and his AP. some thoughts were flashbacks of times they were together and other thoughts were about times they might be together in the future.
I tried to call my husband to talk to him about it but he didn’t answer. Just as well. It probably wouldn’t have gone well.
I managed to recover before my walk was over. I added an extra mile tonight.
When we talked later I didn’t mention it because he was frustrated about not being able to adjust his bike.
He did ask if we could come and visit him while the people he stays with are on vacation. So I will plan on that.
I really wasn’t sure he wanted to see me at all.
I am beginning to live as if that is reality. Small steps out of my fantasy of what my marriage is into what the truth is.

New things to come

It is time for me to detach.
That means that I am in control of me. And my surroundings.
Time to try a new thing. I let you know how it progresses.
And it will progress

How is everyone?

Everyone is so quiet these days. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
Things here are what I would classify as pretty bad. The weekend away with my husband has been canceled. I not going to see him as was the second plan and he is not coming home as was the third plan.
We have not seen each other for two months. The longest ever. I am not sure he even cares. He has told me once in that time that he misses me.
I know he is feeling hopeless because of our financial situation and I understand that. Our marriage means more to me than any money or other problems. I acknowledge that I hold a greater part in our financial issues. His reactions to those issues have magnified the problem and damaged us and continue to damage us. I pray we are not beyond repair although I fear we may be.
It is hard to keep positive but negativity breeds negativity so I must concentrate on my goals and dreams in a positive way. And be happy in myself. No matter what happens to my marriage.

Photos from the day.

ImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImagea beaver dam.  Image


Hike today

Hike today

Today I went on a hike with my Daughter her husband and my granddaughter. I took my camera and took some wild flower and wild life pictures. It has been way too long since I had the camera out for a shoot.

an explaintion of sorts.

I realized something today. 

an attraction for a WS in having a affair has to do with living in the moment. living in the moment is more comfortable and natural than dwelling in the past or worrying about the future.  We as spouses have a past full of, stresses and pain.  We have a future filled with obligation and pressures to provide for the lives of their family.  An AP has none of that,  all they have are the moments together.  there is no promise of a future.  no past struggles.  Just the hear and now.  they have nothing of real substance or value, which can seem appealing to a stressed out spouse who probably feels neglected or pressured.   In our case my husband is angry about our past and fearful of our future, no wonder he can’t let go of her, she is only the here and now.  They have no real investment in each others lives.  true there is emotion between them, there has been (and probably would be again if the opportunity arose) sex between them.  But what substance does any of it have?  Any future she may think they are building is a false hope, he is married to me and has not made any indication that that will change.  He has not given up, he is still trying to solve the problems we have.  He is not the type of man to put his efforts into something he is not interested in maintaining. True, he is not doing everything he needs to do to heal our marriage, but he is still full of fear and somehow finds a relief from that through her.  (I am not excusing or condoning this, I am just calling it as I see it)  I hope to show him through some reading I have been doing how living in the moment with me can help us put the past behind us and the future in perspective. 

as we all know a diamond becomes a diamond because of the pressure it endures, it is a beautiful and precious thing.  It has great value.  

Remember this as the affair recovery journey moves forward,  the marriage will become strong, beautiful and valuable.   it will shine bright like a diamond. 

Loving me.

I think I am beginning to let go.  to let go of my husband and hold on to myself.  No I am not even close to ending my marriage.  I am however being more mindful of myself.  of my value and worth as I see it.  Not as he sees it.  He sees me as all things wrong with his life and him self.  I come with the baggage of our life together.  He at the present time is unable to accept these things for himself, he can not.  it would destroy him.  It is too painful for him to love me because he does not love him self.  I have always been so entwined in him as my husband fully embracing the concept of oneness through marriage that I was unable to love myself as well.   I am detaching from him.  learning to love myself apart from his feelings for me. 

I love him.  I will not end our marriage.  I pray that he will also learn to love himself and in turn love me the way a husband is supposed to love their wife.  

We will be going away together next week for a few days.  I am going to ask him to put aside the thoughts of the “real” world and just enjoy each other’s company. To pretend for four days that no one else exists except the two of us.  It will not be easy for either one of us.  But I think it is imperative that we have some fun together. 

the lodging for the trip is free. it is an owners appreciation weekend for the time share resort we own at.  the 100$ deposit will be returned to us and I look at it as money saved for the trip.  

I told my husband that if he was going to stress about missing a day or two of work to see if he could work this weekend.  I told him he didn’t have to, but if he would feel better doing that then by all means do it. 

So for the next few days I will be concentrating on myself and my goals.  I will be working on who I AM.  and I will be looking forward to a good weekend away with my husband. 



Today My Life Begins, and so does yours.

This song is for all of us…

It is time we all Choose ourselves, whatever that means for us. 

For me that means being happy, even when the pain of what I am going through creeps in, or hits me in the face.   No matter what happens between my husband and I, I am going to be happy.  

In the end I am positive that He and I will be a happily married couple again.    either way I am Joyful in who I am.

You can too!   I love you all!!! 


An amazing thing happened today. I woke up happy today. Really happy.
Nothing has really changed with my circumstances have not changed. But my attitude and self worth have. I have been working on choosing to be happy. I don’t need every thing to be right in my life to be happy. It is a very good feeling.

The big reveal

This is me. Well it was me a few years ago although I pretty much look the same.