Monthly Archives: July 2010

almost nothing

my Facebook status tonight reads when will I be all gone.  I keep opening myself up to be filled by my husband… he keeps leaving me empty.  the thing is that every time he fails to build me up a little bit more of me goes away.  I can’t take much more of this… I really dont want to be anymore.. I just want to cease to exsist.  God help me.


Last night at 3am  I woke up suddenly with a feeling of dread.  could hardly breath. felt as if something was terribly wrong.  this has never happened to me before.. I called the 2 children who would be most likely to be in trouble and both were fine.  I called my husband but got no answer.  although I did not feel it was him.  he called first thing in the morning to see what was up and he was fine too. checked in with the other 3 children and they were also all fine.  so I guess it was nothing. 

today however,  I am trying to get some cleaning done.  slow going. all I want to do is sleep.  I feel all alone and un needed and unloved.  My husband is due to be home tomorrow, but I am cautiously opptomistic about that.   he has a tendency to get caught up in his work and before you know it it will be too late for him to drive the 3 hour drive home. 

I am a mess today.  fits of crying.  so depressed. so alone.  so desperate for my husband to tell me what I need to hear.  wondering if I should make him a list of suggestions to help build me up.  scared that if I do and he still doesn’t do it I will be even more crushed.    will I ever feel like a whole person again?  and why am I so relcutant to look to God to do for me what my husband isn’t?   Idont feel capable of accomplishing anything… not true becasue the reality is that I am.. I just got a merit raise at work, I am becoming certified to be an instructor at work.  amoung other things.  what has me so depressed.  and feeling so hopeless?  can this really all be due to my thyroid issues and/or menopause?  or am I just going crazy?

deja’vu all over again. sort of.

this week begins the third time my husband has gotten a job away from home… once again I will not be moving with him. it begins our 12th year on living apart. it is so different this time. the children are grown. there is no noble reason for this. I suspose it is my fault, but is it really? why would I say it is my fault? because I did not follow through on our plan to get out of debt. so the new plan is when I get the debt paid, I can join him in the new town. Of course part of the reason for not going yet is to make sure the job is going to last. I guess that is understandable.
It is very different this time because I am less sure of myself than ever before in my life. I have health issues, not big ones, the kind that nag at you, make you feel as if you are going crazy, and make others not want to deal with you. So being away is a relief for my husband.
This is so much more difficult this time because of what happend the last time… an emotional affair. my husband began to turn to someone else in my absence. honestly I do not think that will happen again anytime soon anyway… mainly because he still contacts the other woman.
I feel more alone this time than ever before. this is a time in my life that I need hands on support from the most important person in my world and he is once again absent.
DEALING: I have taken some steps in dealing with all of this… first, I began a bible reading plan. second, I will begin to exercise. third, I don’t know what is third, but I will think of something

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