began to gather the information I need to finish my college degree. I think this will be a good thing, it really isn’t something I care all that much about. but I do need to “finish” something. and since this was important to my mother and is important to my husband I think it is a good thing to do.
I first need to re-apply. The dean of my college is to return my call with information on what and how many classes I need. at that point I can determine which ones I can possibly take on-line. and which I will have to go to the campus for.
my goal is to earn my degree by fall of next year. I truly hope I can do it. I am slightly apprehensive about it though since it has been well over 25 years since I was there. didn’t really like it then. don’t expect to like it now. but the accomplishment will be a positive thing and I am looking forward to that.
I want my old self back… but wait, is that really what I want? Maybe I want a new self. a stronger self. a more confident self. a self.
ever since I became old enough to drink I have had a title. I didn’t and still don’t really mind these titles but they can tend to take over ones identity.
My husband and I have been one of those couples who call each other “mum” and “dad” but recently I noticed my husband calling me by my first name. and I love it. I really love it. this past weekend he gave me a new nickname. “little” I love that too.
I suppose that really has nothing to do with becoming a self. it does, however, give me an identity that does not include a title. That to me is a step in the right direction.
here are the questions asked when one is depressed.
- any feelings of hurting yourself or others? NO
- do you feel sad? NOT OVERWHELMINGLY
- are you sleeping? FOR THE MOST PART
- how is your appetite? OK
Well then I must be getting better… right?
OK I know that it really isn’t that simple. Or is it. I feel good. I feel very good. Still have moments of anxiety regarding my husband. But I feel positive about that as well. As I say that the fear hits me. I have felt positive before only to discover that I was being made a fool of.
I am finding that in order to recover and survive I have to put those feelings behind me. so lets just think upon these things:
- I feel good
- I look good
- I was a great weekend
- It looks to be a great week.
a few weeks ago I compared my life to that of a puzzle, and how I am looking to find all the pieces of me and put them back together.
here are some of the pieces I have found so far.
1 I have been emotionally detached from a major traumatic event in my life. I am in the process of revisiting that event and letting myself feel. there is still more I need to learn about what happened.
2 I have some misconceptions about myself. I thought I needed to learn to control my emotions, turns out I my control my emotions too much. or at least keep them hidden.
3 I have many people how are pieces in my puzzle who are more than willing to help me put it together again.
I have much more to learn and discover about myself. about how and why I am the person I am today. many more pieces to turn over and see where they belong. This is only the beginning.
I love to sleep.
I love to nap.
I love to sleep late.
But lately I can’t.
Can’t fall asleep. don’t stay asleep. don’t really even nap all that much.
is a side effect of the depression? Or is it thyroid related? Or my overactive mind? who knows?
Weekends are better… I sleep. I fall asleep in the arms of my husband. or he in my arms… I rarely wake in the wee hours of the morning. and we sleep later. If I do wake, I touch him and fall asleep again. We nap. and it is the same.
Sleep, the lack of it when we are apart. The reality of it when we are together. Another reason to end this work separation and join my husband in his new town.
work on monday.
call from my husband. ” that is not an ordinary thing for you to do… send me a picture.” says I.
another call from husband. “you worried me so I was on my way home, decided not to come, turned around to go back to my apartment, Oh no the car just concked out. I am stuck on the interstate.” says he.
OK. well then I get in the car and drive from about 2 to 4 am to meet him. the car is now at a garage, he is waiting at a truck stop. meet him there. continue to drive to his apartment arrive at 5am. sleep till 7:30 take him to work.
pick him up for lunch see some sights of the area, go back to his office, leave office to meet an acquaintance of his. then back to the apartment while he finishes work.
take a three-hour nap. (by this time the cold I felt coming on is full-blown and might just be a little bit of flu)
wake up eat dinner. watch some rather boring tv. go to bed at 10pm
don’t get up in the morning till about 11. car is finished and ready to be picked up. will do that when he is done with work. get a shower. go through the papers he asked me to look through. go back to bed. leave to go pick up car around 4:00
pick up car at 5:15. stop in pouring rain at same truck stop eat some cookies. then go our separate ways for a few more days. back to the house at 9pm. after getting a bite to eat at my daughter’s house.
OK so it wasn’t an Ideal reason but I sure did enjoy my couple of days with my husband in the middle of the week.
Wish I was still there.
suspicious minds. like Elvis said “caught in a trap”
I never used to be a suspicious person. but I am now. I have trouble trusting what i am being told. I look at circumstances and jump to conclusions. then I can’t get those conclusions out of my head.
So many things don’t add up. I can’t stand that. the explanations don’t fit. what am I supposed to do, to think, to say.
OH how it would help to have things laid out there in front of me as proof of what is. is that really too much to ask for? is it really that big of an imposition. If you can’t talk your way out of something you behaved your way into, then shouldn’t you be obligated to behave your way out of it? Really, doesn’t that make sence?
I really want to be the trusting person I once was. But is it my responsibility to trust again or the one who broke that trusts responsibility to repair it?
hence, the trap.