back on the blog

where have i been?  trying to pull it all back together.  about six weeks ago I had had all that I could take of myself and the way I was being treated.  I took some pills and a small amount of alcohol.  My intent was to end my life… not that I really wanted to, but I felt so helpless.  I thought my relationship with my husband was all but over.  I had said some very hurtful things to my daughter and was afraid that I was going to become more and more hurtful to others because of my own feeling of worthlessness.  luckily I was not successful.  I ended up in the psychiatric hospital for a week… we have since begun to call my time there “crazy camp”   because my daughter said I talked about it as if I were away at camp.    It was very helpful to me.  and I believe it was a wake up call for my husband as well. He began to really think about life without me.  and how much I ment to him.   I left the hospital feeling very positive about my life.  

So here I am six weeks later.  I am still more positive than not about my life, but not as much as I was when I first got home.  I feel like some of the things my husband told me were lip service to get me well and not truly what he was going to do. 

I have had several melt-downs since I ahve been home… one major one where I felt the same way and felt as if I didn’t want to be alive again.  this happened while fighting with my husband about the same old issues.   

I have begun to see a new therapist.  I like him.  I am slightly apprehensive about what we are going to deal with from my past.  Seems as though I have not delt with all the tramatic events in my life as well as I thought I had.  not sure I WANT to pull them out of their hiding places, but I know if I want to be well again it is necessary.  I pray I am strong enough to handle the pain that may be involved.  I pray my husband will actually be as supportive as he says he will as I go through this. 

Seeing him only on the weekends makes it difficult to resolve some of our issues.  So for now I am going to concentrate on my own.  and change what I can in how I manage the finances… His biggest problem with me.  He has committed to being more involved with that. 

So things really are more positive than negative at this point.   As for tonight I am happy.

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About aloneagain3

I am a wife and mother of 5 grown children... and 3 grandchildren.. I have been married for 29 years... I thought I did ok at life... turns out i sucked at it... but I am getting better!! View all posts by aloneagain3

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