All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide SARA BAREILLES King of anything.
This song lyric pretty much sums up my life. I have been the peace maker. The one who tries to keep everyone together. Putting my needs and feelings aside so that others will be happy. Not letting people know that I have been hurt by their actions. Hiding my feelings. Taking the blame for the hurts and problems in others lives. All the while waiting for someone to notice that I needed to be heard too. That I mattered. Waiting for someone to give me permission to feel and express the feelings of hurt, anger, disappointment, loneliness, sadness etc.etc.etc. I’m still waiting. Still not given permission to feel the way I need to feel about the situation with my husband. Not given permission to express it.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to even give myself that permission. In my head I know I should just TAKE my turn, in my heart I am afraid that in doing so I will lose something or worse yet someone. I can’t bear to lose someone.
So, I continue to wait. for the most part. Thus making a decision for myself. MY DECISION IS TO WAIT.
Why? Because I have faith. Faith that the situation will resolve. Faith that God is true to his promises to me. Faith that if I keep true to myself I will be blessed with my hearts desires.