Monthly Archives: October 2010

happily ever after weekend.

I went to breakfast with my husband this morning. 

Standing next to our table was an old couple.  They were talking to another couple sitting in the booth next to us.  I overheard the old man say that his wife’s sugar goes up every time he kisses her. He then said “I still love her”  He went on to say that when he mentions Cookie, his girlfriend before her she still gets jealous, and it has been 60 years.

I relayed this conversation to my husband and told him, “that is the kind of  happily ever after I was talking about in my blog”   I began to cry at what I thought I did not or maybe never would have. 

He then reminded me of a quote he recently posted on Facebook.  

“It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.”                      Margaret Bonnano

I suppose that is true.  Which means that this weekend was a happily ever after weekend.

I want a magic fix all, Please?

Is it true that in every relationship one person cares more about  the relationship than the other?

OR is this just a “MAN thing”?

I live for the weekends when my husband comes home.  He is ok with going for a couple of weeks without seeing me.  how can we keep our relationship going, and getting fixed if we don’t get any time together?

it just all seems more important to me then it does to him. Is this normal. 

What ever happened to happily ever after… well not in the fairy tale meaning… but in the “we are a couple and we are going to make this work for both of us” meaning.

am I as selfish as he thinks I am?  If that is true I am not sure how to be less selfish, since being unselfish the way he thinks I should be, feels like giving up on my marriage.  

We are told to find out what is most important to us and put all that we have into that… well my husband is what is most important to me, I am trying to put all that I have into our relationship, but I feel as if he finds my efforts unreasonable and childish.

I truly wish I had an answer. a magic fix all, if you will.  but I don’t and once again I must simply trust and wait.

my life as a puzzle. 3

did some more puzzle piece collecting yesterday.  really didn’t gather any new information.  got some old information sort of confirmed.  i say sort of because there is no real proof of what I am being told, only that the information was received by several different sources. 

I am really enjoying the time spent with the people I am talking to.  Yesterday it was my uncle… the only uncle I have left really.  He was very encouraging to me. and make me feel as if I was really someone special.    That is at times something I don’t feel about myself. 

Someday soon I hope I will be ready to write the story of my life… not that it will be all that riveting, but I think my family will be interested in reading it.  There are some unusual happenings in my  life. 

I am finding the process of learing about times I don’t remeber both comforting and unsetteling.  I find myself maybe not reacting in the way that most people would.  that seems unsetteling.  But I don’t find myself being overly affected by what I am learning.  I have cried when I talk to people, and that is not a bad thing. 

The most wonderful thing about talking to someone about my past is that after I am finished talking to them I feel more connected to that person and closer to them.  I love that.

roller coaster weekend

this past weekend, beginning with friday morning my emotions and anxiety level went up and down like the highs and lows of a roller coaster ride.  (Yes I am afraid of roller coasters)  I addressed my friday morning anxiety episode in my last post.  For the most part the rest of friday was calm.  somewhat anxious before bedtime.  Saturday morning I got up to the same degree  of anxiety as friday.  actually it was a bit worse.  I could hardly breathe.  I was so fearful of what My  husband was doing and if he was alone.  I called him and he did manage to calm me down.  But I was at an elevated level of anxiousness the entire day.   I was enjoying the scrapbook classes we were doing and the projects, but was stressed about not keeping up, which I am usually not.  When it was time to clean up and go to bed I called my husband to say goodnight. (I woke him up)  then I checked my FB to see a post by “her”.  according to her post she was also out-of-town.  Great here come the haunting thoughts.  I sent a text to my husband and mentioned that it was disconcerting that “she” was away this particular weekend.  (this has happened once before, and I am still not convinced that she wasn’t visiting him that weekend)  He assured me that she was not there, and wanted to know what he could do to prove it to me.  I couldn’t think of anything at the time but I should have had him do a  three-way call between us… we all have iPhones.   I did manage to get a good nights sleep.  and woke up mostly Ok. 

I backed out of the plans my sister had for us, and went to see my husband for the afternoon.   We had a very good afternoon.  He was so happy to see me.  I was very happy to see him too.  We ate pizza, stopped by his office to leave a Halloween greeting for his staff,  had some really good quality time, went to the laundry mat to do his laundry, I showed him all the goodies I got at the scrapbook event I attended, and then I had to finish my journey home. 

all in all it was a good weekend, but I don’t like emotional roller coaster rides any better than amusement park ones.   they are exhausting.

letting go of thoughts that haunt.

getting ready for a weekend away with my sister.  I was supposed to go with my sister-in-law, but she had to cancel due to my brothers surgery on monday. 

I am finding it stressful.  I thought I was ready to go away for a weekend with out my husband, but now I am not so sure.   I question what he is going to do, and if he is going to be where he says he is. 

his plan is to stay in the town where he works till saturday, come home on sunday and take monday off.   although on sunday he wants to go visit his mother.  visiting his mother is a good thing, she isn’t feeling well and is having some new health issues.  the problem is she is staying with my husband’s sister, in the same area as his “friend”     My fear is that he isn’t really going to stay in the town where he is working. My fear is that he will go to see “her”  on saturday, visit his mother on sunday, and then come home. 

So I am anxious. 

It is a kind of catch 22.  When I tell my husband how I am feeling and my fears he get frustrated with me.  All I think I really want is for him to tell me it is ok and he will do what ever I may need him to do to feel safe again.  That really isn’t his personality.  So I hold back as long as I can, then I tell him what I think and feel, but when I do this I end up more worked up because I don’t get the tenderness and understanding that I need.   

I took a break from writing this to call my husband and tell him how I was feeling.  I can’t say it went well.  he calls those types of calls ‘beatings”   His attitude was as it usually is.   I don’t know why but I actually feel calmer. 

I guess that is a good thing.    I think it helped to get those fears out of me head and into the open.   This is a good thing. 

I need to do this.   now to concentrate on enjoying my weekend.

an update on facing fears.(riding a bike)

I got the bike out today.  Pushed it across the street to the church parking lot.  got on. put my foot on the pedal and pushed down, put my other foot on the other pedal and did the same.  moved about 5 or 6 feet forward, in a wabbly fashion.  then I did the same thing over again. 

I wish I had a recording of my breathing.  I am sure it would bring a smile if not a full-out laugh. 

That was all I could manage today.  I will try to look at it in a positive way, but it is difficult to see anything but failure.  I still feel just as scared.  So what have I really accomplished?   At least I didn’t hurt myself.  that is a positive thing.  lol  

hopefully I will go farther next time.

I think I will just go to bed.

 yesterday and today all I wanted to do was stay in bed.  it wasn’t one of those rainy days. it was a little bit on the chilly side in the morning. 

I did manage to get a couple of must do things accomplished and I had an appointment to get my hair cut, I did that. and I went to work.  but that is all. 

I have so much to do and all I want to do is sleep.  sleeping is easy, no decisions, no effort, no chance of doing it wrong.  except for the fact that I am not getting done what I need to get done. 

and now here I am, 1:00 am. awake.  but I am ready to go to sleep again.  I work at 9:00 am. I am off at 2:00.  Hope I can get more done than just that tomorrow.  I really need to get more done than that. 

for now I am just going to go to bed.  good night.