I am really growing tired of the anxious nature of my life right now. I found myself at the grocery store on friday getting ready for one of our many yearly family events, Pumpkin Day, totally stressed about what food to buy. I was doing laps around the produce section, frantic about what vegetables to put in with the roast I was buying. My anxiety level was so high I had tears in my eyes. I was making phone calls to try to get some direction and to calm down. but mostly got voice mails. or “don’t worry about it” too late I was already worried. Then just as was managing to pull it all together, my daughter calls. My family has a way of accessing things before they ask for what they need. She had just given blood on an empty stomach, had her 21 month old son with her and was not feeling well at all. of course she sort of got an attitude with me because I was not free to run to her rescue. My children do seem to like to play the guilt trip card with me often. So now I am pushing my cart around the store with a full cry going on. trying to still figure out what else I need to get together for our event. worrying about my daughter, who has decided to drive herself home. Of course it all worked out ok in the end. it usually does. I did go and pick her and the baby up. meaning she then had to use my car for the rest of her activities for the evening. and I had to take my other daughter in my husband’s car to pick her car up. This all seems so crazy to me. makes me feel like I have failed as a parent because my adult children depend on me so much, or are they just using me. either way it isn’t good.
Back to my own mental state. I managed not to be too anxious over the weekend. but now that the week is here again I am back to feeling high levels of anxiety and stress.
I am stressed about the class I teach (which was canceled for this evening)
I am stressed about going away this weekend.
I am stressed about not seeing my Husband this weekend, and wondering what he is going to be doing.
I am stressed about my brother’s up coming surgery.
I am stressed about my Mother-in-law not feeling well.
I am stressed about my therapist being out on medical leave.
I am stressed about the relationship, or lack there of , with my daughter-in-law. which leads to less of a relationship with my granddaughter.
I again am becoming overwhelmed with thoughts of being left alone.
the list could go on and on.
I am even stressed that I have trouble turning all this stress over to God. whom I believe in and know would gladly ease this stress if I let Him. so why don’t I? that stresses me out.
Once again I am finding it difficult to do the things that need to be done. cleaning house, preparing to go away with my sister, preparing to teach my class, just about everything. I am really tired of it and wish I knew how to get better. why is this all so difficult.?