The process of recovery is proving to be somewhat painful. Becoming stronger and more self-confident and more assertive is painful.
In the personality profile world I am what is called a “Relater”. I am people oriented. A relationship is of utmost importance to me. I am dependent on those relationships. I am too dependent on those relationships. How I feel about myself relies all too much on the state of those relationships. it is as if a True Me does not exist. If someone else finds me worthy than I am worthy. If someone else finds me lacking, than I am lacking.
Learning to put more importance on the relationship I have with myself is very scary. I feel as if I may have to lose relationships with others to strengthen myself. Thiscauses me to be sad, anxious, and fearful. learning to balance my need for others and my need to become less dependent on them is both empowering and terrifying. This involves change. Change. Not something one with my personality craves or likes. Change is painful.
I am told I have the strength and the self-confidence to change. I just need to keep telling myself that I posess these qulities.
I am also a christian. In my head I know that God has what I need. I know He is there is provide it for me. I am beginning to rely on Him again. If only in little ways. And of course He is faithful.
I was reminded yesterday through a birthday greeting that I am a princess. I am the Child of The King, making me a princess. I guess it really doesn’t get any better than that. Yet my humanness makes the growing pains of healing, and change almost unbearable at times. My depression clouds the truth. My mind plays tricks on me. I am taken over by the sadness and the anxiousness.
This is what recovery feel like. When I think back on how I have been compared to how I am, I see progress. I am getting better. I am stronger. I am more confident. And I am actually more assertive.