Monthly Archives: December 2010

all my stuffs here anyway.

On an evening such as this
It’s hard to tell if I exist
If I Packed a car and leave this town
Who’ll notice that I’m not around?
I could hide out under there
I just made you say ‘underwear’
I could leave but I’ll just stay
All my stuff’s here anyway.
It’s like a dream – you try to remember but it’s gone, then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.    barenaked ladies

this kind of sums up how I am feeling.    I would really have no problem just getting in the car and driving away, not telling anyone where I am going and when or if I am coming back.    I feel as if I wouldn’t be missed.  I know that really isn’t the case.

perhaps I would not feel this way if those closest to me would remember and take time to do the little things that make me feel loved and special.    of course maybe I should just learn to take care of myself and not be so dependent on others. 

the really sad part about me is the line that best fits me from those lyrics is I could leave but I’ll just stay, all my stuff is here anyway.     when all is said and done it would take too much effort to leave.  not to mention I really don’t want to.  What I really want is to be the one who someone else can’t live without.


does everyone else feel this way?

I have family.  I have friends, at least I think I do.  I have acquaintances. 

I think I go out of my way for at least one of these people. 

I know I am the one who keeps in touch more. 

Is this how everyone feels.  This makes me feel so unimportant.  I am not worth the extra effort.  who will go out of their way for me?  Who will call to see how i am doing or to ask me to lunch?   No one. that is who. and it hurts so badly to feel so unimportant. 

It appears that my husband would rather spend another night alone in the town he works in than to drive the three hours after work.  it is true that I have to work 5 hours tomorrow, but we could have spent more time than that together tonight.  maybe I am over sensitive, but I know I would be there to be with him if I was going there.    How the feeling of unimportance is magnified when it is reinforced by ones own husband. 

Oh well, it will make my husband feel valued and important to get the holiday mess cleaned up from our bedroom/attic. So I am going  back to that task.

my theme song for the days of christmas

The song “river” by Sarah McLachlan was running through my head all the time this year.  especially this part:

It’s coming on Christmas
They’re cutting down trees
They’re putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on”

I felt as if  I wanted to escape.  escape the stress. escape the responsibilities.  escape the critical looks and comments of things not done the way they used to be, or the way they should be.  escape my own demands on myself. 

where I would skate to I do not know.  it is funny, I didn’t really want to be with my family, but I couldn’t imagine being away from them either.

I listened to the words and watched the actions of my grown children and discovered that they have not turned out the way I expected.  They are not really kind and caring people.  They display rude and selfish behaviors.

 They were not ungracious about their gifts. as they sometimes have been in the past. But they had an attitude of  I am going to do and say what ever I want and if you (whoever you may be) don’t like it, too bad.  

I am longing for a Christmas with just my husband and myself.  Although I realize that I won’t really like that either. 

One thing I did not want to skate away from this year was my grandchildren!  They were joyful and fun.

my life in christmas music.

each year we hear the same christmas music for the most part

as I get older the songs are taking on different meanings for me. 

For example, I’ll be home for Christmas, When I was in my early twenties and beginning a new life with my husband, starting a family, ect.  I loved this song.  I remember singing it thinking of being back home with my parents enjoying time with them.  We had moved about seven hours away and didn’t always get back for christmas.   We had nice Christmases on our own but still this song would bring a tear to my eye and I was home for Christmas each time I heard it, if only in my dreams. 

Today when I hear this song I realize that I am now the one that my children might think of when they hear this song. of course only one of my children lives far enough away for it to have any meaning and I am not sure he is sentimental enough think this way.  But who knows. I never told my parents that this song made me dream about being with them for the holidays.

This will be the second year in a row that all of my children will be home for christmas.  they may not be with me on christmas day.   But they will all be home for our annual Christmas eve open house. Which my oldest has re-named “Christmas eve activities and sing along”  So there is no dreaming here. They will be home and I am happy to have them.

are you happy with your lifestyle?

at my last counseling session my therapist posed this question to me, ” are you happy with your lifestyle right now?”   My answer, “no.”

I do not like the status of my life right now.  here are the reasons why:

  1. I am tired of living apart from my husband.
  2. I am tired of being so depended upon by my children.
  3. I am tired of being forced to do things every one elses way.

So what am I to do about this?  some how it all seems out of my control. Someone other than me always claims to know what is best for me. 

I have vague plans of what I would like to do but I do not bring them up for fear of then being dismissed. 

I don’t want to wait for everything to be just right. I want to take a chance and move forward to the way I think our lives should be right now.

I found some christmas joy afterall.

Today life is pretty good.  I had a great long weekend with my husband.  We had our grandson with us and we really enjoyed the time with him.  even tough he threw up in his bed every night.  at least he was fine during the day. 

one of our other daughters and her husband and one of our granddaughters came for friday, saturday and sunday.  We were in the town where my husband works for their olde time christmas celebration.  in reference to one of my recent posts, I think I found a little bit of christmas joy this weekend.  The town is decorated very nicely and the shops are quaint.   and to be able to just relax and not think about all the things that need to be done in preparation for christmas was wonderful.    We saw a festival of trees.  A large model train display.  And a festival of lights.  We shopped in some of the small shops and I actually did get a christmas gift for someone. 

this past weekend was truly one of those “happily ever after” weekends. 

the view from my husbands apartment in the town where he works

good things

I thought I would take a moment to list some of the good things in my life since so much of my blog deals with recovery, heartache and pain.

  1. friday was my 28th wedding anniversary.  and my  husband was happy about it, not like last year.
  2. my children love me even though they have funny ways of showing it at times.
  3. I am relatively healthy.
  4. I am receiving the help I need for my depression and stress.
  5. I have 3 beautiful grandchildren.  who bring me joy and laughter.
  6. I have dogs who love me and feel good when they lay their head on me.
  7. I have a crazy bird who no matter what always says goodnight.
  8. I know that God loves and cares for me even though I distance myself from him at times.

I don’t know if this is a good list or just silliness.   But it is something I guess.

tis the season

tis the season for what?  added stress, anxiety, and unmet expectations. 

I never used to feel this way.  I think I used to enjoy all the preparations for Christmas.  but did I really?

I don’t have really great memories from childhood holidays.  Not that I have bad memories.  I just don’t have great ones.  My mother and sister always decorated the tree.  we did the advent wreath thing.  that was somewhat fun. 

we opened our christmas gifts on christmas eve.  We didn’t get much and my mother always seemed to wrap it in one box.  I can’t even remember one outstanding christmas gift.     then we would head over to my aunt’s house. There were 7 children in that family.  I was closest in age to the youngest.  “santa” would come to their window and we had to recite a prayer for him.  I remember being excited about that but also being scared.  we would then all gather in the living room and one by one, by age, youngest to oldest, open gifts.  That made me the second one to open my gift.  one gift from my aunt and uncle.  not that I expected more but imagine a young child sitting through my 7 cousins opening all the gifts they got from each other.   Not all that exciting.  

I remember being sick at christmas at least once.  as a teenager with Mono.  sat in the diningroom of my Aunts house feeling terrible.

when I grew up and was in charge of my own families christmas things were better.  I loved decorating and buying gifts. I loved singing in choirs, and playing in the bell choir.  I loved helping with the children’s christmas plays.  I loved watching my talented children perform in those plays. 

Now the kids are grown.  I am no longer in any choirs.  decorating the last couple of years has become a chore. buying gifts a burden.  

It has changed from a season of  joy  to a season of stress.   Well to be fair there always was stress involved.  But now I can’t seem to find the joy. 

how I wish I could feel the joy of christmas once again.  Maybe I will find it in my grandson and granddaughters eyes, and laughter.  I’ll let you know if I find it again.