tis the season

tis the season for what?  added stress, anxiety, and unmet expectations. 

I never used to feel this way.  I think I used to enjoy all the preparations for Christmas.  but did I really?

I don’t have really great memories from childhood holidays.  Not that I have bad memories.  I just don’t have great ones.  My mother and sister always decorated the tree.  we did the advent wreath thing.  that was somewhat fun. 

we opened our christmas gifts on christmas eve.  We didn’t get much and my mother always seemed to wrap it in one box.  I can’t even remember one outstanding christmas gift.     then we would head over to my aunt’s house. There were 7 children in that family.  I was closest in age to the youngest.  “santa” would come to their window and we had to recite a prayer for him.  I remember being excited about that but also being scared.  we would then all gather in the living room and one by one, by age, youngest to oldest, open gifts.  That made me the second one to open my gift.  one gift from my aunt and uncle.  not that I expected more but imagine a young child sitting through my 7 cousins opening all the gifts they got from each other.   Not all that exciting.  

I remember being sick at christmas at least once.  as a teenager with Mono.  sat in the diningroom of my Aunts house feeling terrible.

when I grew up and was in charge of my own families christmas things were better.  I loved decorating and buying gifts. I loved singing in choirs, and playing in the bell choir.  I loved helping with the children’s christmas plays.  I loved watching my talented children perform in those plays. 

Now the kids are grown.  I am no longer in any choirs.  decorating the last couple of years has become a chore. buying gifts a burden.  

It has changed from a season of  joy  to a season of stress.   Well to be fair there always was stress involved.  But now I can’t seem to find the joy. 

how I wish I could feel the joy of christmas once again.  Maybe I will find it in my grandson and granddaughters eyes, and laughter.  I’ll let you know if I find it again.

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About aloneagain3

I am a wife and mother of 5 grown children... and 3 grandchildren.. I have been married for 29 years... I thought I did ok at life... turns out i sucked at it... but I am getting better!! View all posts by aloneagain3

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