recently I posted ( at least I think I did) something about always being the one to reach out etc.
Well tonight is a point in case to support that fact of my life. seems as though every one I have tried to communicate with tonight has not been available or ignored me.
this really does not help boost an already bruised self-esteem.
it makes me wonder what is so unattractive about conversing with me that people don’t seem to want to do it. usually I don’t spend a great deal of time talking about myself I (at least I think I don’t)
I can’t take feeling this way any more. and yet I can’t, not reach out to people. I can’t stand being out of contact, not having close relationships. How in the world do I get over this? How do I change who I really am so I don’t have to feel so lonely any more?
my comic relief for the day.
Had to go to the bathroom while on the road home from a funeral today. Stopped at a BP. asked if they had a bathroom. Of course it was one of the ones that has an outside door.
I get the key, finally get the door unlocked on the third try. turn the light on. ( Not as dirty as they usually are. ) go into the stall and close the door to see a large penis drawn there. along with various names and numbers to call if I am interested in a good time.(which I am not) Of course the toilet paper holder is non-functional, thank heavens there were a couple of rolls on the back of the toilet. (this is what I found to be humorous) the toilet paper was “quilted” with hearts. How nice a gas station bathroom with a theme!
So here I am at the start of a new year. Yet everything feels so old. same old feelings, same old vibes, same old self.
I wanted to be different this year. I wanted to be hopeful. Instead I am wondering where this year is going to lead me. I feel negative. unwanted. stupid. to blame for all that is wrong in the lives of those around me.
I am still here, alone. Not with my husband. No good friends to count on. just me. and I am not good enough even for myself. and it is so abundantly clear that I am not good enough for anyone else either.
I know I am not supposed to give into these negative feelings and self talk, but when actions and words of others reinforce them how can I not?