Monthly Archives: January 2011

a point in case

recently I posted ( at least I think I did) something about always being the one to reach out etc. 

Well tonight is a point in case to support that fact of my life.  seems as though every one I have tried to communicate with tonight has not been available or ignored me. 

this really does not help boost an already bruised self-esteem. 

it makes me wonder what is so unattractive about conversing with me that people don’t seem to want to do it.   usually I don’t spend a great deal of time talking about myself I (at least I think I don’t)    

 I can’t take feeling this way any more.  and yet I can’t, not reach out to people.  I can’t stand being out of contact, not having close relationships.  How in the world do I get over this?  How do I change who I really am so I don’t have to feel so lonely any more?

easily amused.

my comic relief for the day.

Had to go to the bathroom while on the road home from a funeral today.  Stopped at  a BP.  asked if they had a bathroom. Of course it was one of the ones that has an outside door. 

I get the key, finally get the door unlocked on the third try.  turn the light on. ( Not as dirty as they usually are. ) go into the stall and close the door to see a large penis drawn there.  along with various names and numbers to call if I am interested in a good time.(which I am not)  Of course the toilet paper holder is non-functional, thank heavens there were a couple of rolls on the back of the toilet.  (this is what I found to be humorous)  the toilet paper was “quilted” with hearts.    How nice a gas station bathroom with a theme!

same old new year.

So here I am at the start of a new year.  Yet everything feels so old.  same old feelings, same old vibes, same old self. 

I wanted to be different this year. I wanted to be hopeful.  Instead I am wondering where this year is going to lead me.  I feel negative. unwanted. stupid. to blame for all that is wrong in the lives of those around me.

I am still here, alone. Not with my husband.  No good friends to count on. just me. and I am not good enough even for myself. and it is so abundantly clear that I am not good enough for anyone else either.

I know I am not supposed to give into these negative feelings and self talk, but when actions and words of others reinforce them how can I not?