Monthly Archives: March 2011

hopeless romantic.

March 30

I would define myself as a hopeless romantic.  I love to be romanced.  and to share romantic notions with my husband.  I find song lyrics that express how I feel and pass them on to him.  I tell him how much I miss him.  how much I love him.  I want to be near him when ever I can. 

so where does the hopeless part come in?  I am hopeless because I keep wanting the same in return. and it doesn’t come.  hopeless because I keep showering the romance on him when he doesn’t seem to want it.  hopeless because my need for him is stronger than any other need I have.

Maybe I would not be this way if the circumstances of my life were different.  If I could be with my husband everyday.  If he had not broken my trust.  If he still wasn’t in contact with “her”  If he had male friends rather than female friends. If I thought I was as crucial to him as he is to me. Maybe a thousand things. or maybe this is just me. 

I am happy with the romantic part.  but really don’t want to hopeless part anymore. or maybe I am just crazy?  answers please?

thoughts on being alone, and tomorrow

March 29

I am really missing my husband tonight. 

I wonder if he misses me as much. probably not. 

The song lyrics “I wanna wake where you are” keep going through my head. 

so many things to take care of.  getting the car fixed, getting this house in order, finance management, making sure I get my 10,000 steps in each day, family logistics due to the lack of one car.   it all seems too much for me.  I would rather just sleep and not think about it.  sort of the old scarlet O’Hare attitude, “I’ll think about that tomorrow”    I am afraid tomorrow is here.

And I am alone. dealing with it all alone.  I was never ment to be alone.  I know this about me.  so I have to tell myself to get tough.  tomorrow IS here. and I need to not only think about things I need to act. and I need to do it alone. The husband is miles away doing what he needs to do.  it is time for me to suck it up and do what I need to do.  I can do it.  Can’t I?  I want to do it. Don’t I? 

Still what keeps going through my mind is “I wanna wake up where you are”

why am I tired?

march 28

I am very tired tonight.  not sure why.  I did walk over 14,000 steps today.  but I slept the entire afternoon.  so I didn’t think I would be tried like this. 

I have some things I would like to get done tomorrow in addition to walking.   hopefully I will not feel tired. 

I have to work on a birthday cake for the 27-year-old, who will be 28 on saturday.  I think I would be much more excited about doing it if she had done what she told us she would do and cleaned up the living room.  toys are a mess and there is still stuff that needs picked up from the search for her bank card which turned out to be in her wallet after all. 

I think that is the biggest reason why I am tired, I have much cleaning to do and it almost all is cleaning up after them.  

I don’t even want to be in my own home.  I wish I was strong enough not to  let them walk over me as they do.

one step at a time.

March 27

it was extremely difficult to get my 10,000 steps in today.  had to jog in place to finish.  I am going to need to find another walking buddy.   my Husband was great.  he really kept me moving. 

but as usual the tired, down, feeling has begun to take over.  a combination of him being gone and me being home and having to deal with everything here.  27-year-old is supposed to clean the living room.  she was to do it last night, then again this morning before she went to work, then again tonight when she got home.  as I type she is sitting in the recliner watching tv.  Not cleaning anything.   I am sure I will be the one to actually do it.

I have appointments tomorrow and I do not know how I am going to get to them.  I will have to postpone one as it was already a time conflict with another. 

I need to work on figuring out what to do about our car situation. 

it is going to be hard to keep from getting depressed through all of this.  I am not good at figuring this kind of stuff out.  will life ever be any easier? 

I guess the best thing is to take everything one step at a time, just like I have to do to get my 10,000 steps in every day.

home again, home again

March 26

We arrived home.  the closer we got the sadder I got.  I did not want vacation to end.  or at least I didn’t want to return here. 

We got home just in time to take the 20-year-old to work and take over care of the grandson.  Who had lost his mother’s atm card earlier that day. So we spent a good deal of time looking for that, only to find it in his mothers wallet. 

I loaded both drawers of my dishwasher.  since no one had washed a dish the entire week.  discovered about eight keys missing from the computer key board. found all but one.  Thank you grandson! 

after the husband leaves for the week tomorrow, I will have no car.  27-year-old has already made it known that she is not going to be happy about sharing her car.  so I will not ask her to take me anywhere! 

the pain in my shoulder has begun again. 

vacation gave me a glimpse into what my life should be like right now.  I want that life and I want it now.

last night of vacation.

march 25

Had a very lazy day today.  mostly just stayed in bed.   got up in the morning for a little bit then went back to bed till noon.  got up and had eggs and bacon then showered, went for a walk, came back to the unit and took a nap.

Then got up and went to visit the sister.  then to dinner and to watch some entertainment.  then back to walk some more… barely got my 10000 steps in today. but I did!

vacation ends tomorrow.   back home to a broken down car. my kids… who called tonight with stupid problems.  the only good part about going home will be seeing the grandson.  looking forward to that.


one thing that makes me really angry in an otherwise great vacation

March 24

i am a bit sore today after our hike yesterday.  but i did manage to get my 10000 plus steps in  for the day.

we enjoyed most of the day at the pool swimming and relaxing.  also spent some time with my sister and her grandchildren at the pool

so it was another good vacation day.

however we did get calls from home.  my car broke down and will probably need a high dollar repair.  We have asked the kids to work on getting it diagnosed and begin the work.  we will see wjat happens.

the husband got a call from work about a problem that he took care of by phone.

vacation can never be a complete vacation.

i didn’t spend too much time worrying but i did ask the husband if he has contacted “her’  he told me he had today  to ask about a dr appointment she had.   i am trying not to let on too much but it does piss me off.  why if that is all he wanted to talk to her about does he have to keep it from me… at least he told me when i asked.

i feel as if they both think I am unreasonable or crazy.  i really wish the husband would honor my wishes and stop talking to her without me being present.  it really makes me ANGRY!!!!!!

another vacation day.

March 23

A pretty good vacation day today.   went on a hike to see a waterfall,  and on a second hike to see a 360* view, however it included a rock scramble that i was unable to complete.  maybe on another visit.

my husband was so worried about my physical health that he was having trouble enjoying the hike.  I was fine.  It make me a little bit angry because he was so concerned about me physically why can’t he be just as concerned about my mental and emotional health?  I told him this but we didn’t get too much into it as not to ruin the day.

It was a good day.

coming back to the unit for a nice soak in the hot tub made day even better

We did talk a little bit more about concentrating on us.   How much easier that would be if he would do the things i ask of him.  even the things that are compromises on my part to what I really want.

so i guess i will try that.  what else can i do.

show me

march 22

had a fun time going to some local small towns today and shopping in a couple of small shops.  we also ate lunch at small diner.  it was a nice time. 

 i had some periods of sadness today because i can’t stop thinking about the role “she’ plays in my husbands life.  i sometims wonder if he really would be all that upset if I would leave him.   of couse  that is not what i want to do… i only wish he would let me know beyond a shsdow of a doubt that he wants me and only me.. not just to say  well who do i come home to, who am i on vacation with.  show me!

vacation day 2

March 20

Day 2 of our vacation.  started out with breakfast and a sales pitch from the resort.  it really wasn’t a good experience and we did not buy into an upgrade.  maybe next vear they will do better.  but we did get 100.00bucks worth of mad money to use here. 

After we were done with that maddness we went for a walk in the woods.  stalked squirrels, say goose or duck eggs and a couple of woodpeckers.   it was fu. 

my wellness program from work started today and  I  am supposed to walk 10,000 steps each day.  So after a nap we took another walk to make sure i got all my steps in.    i have done 11798 so far today.  probably not gonna get much more.  

I am still feeling anxious from time to time.    I have been unable to think straight at times  i am really wondering if something isn’t going on with my thyroid   or if it is just me or maybe something to do with my peroid.  yuck 

so thse plan for tomorrow is to hike or go to the pool and then to a beer and wine tasting that is coupled with a craft show….  weird but should be fun.