Monthly Archives: April 2011

a couple of steps out.

april 27

I taught my scrapbook class tonight.  Teaching is what I would consider a couple of steps out of my comfort zone.  I know this because of the way I feel when I am in the middle of teaching.  I don’t feel comfortable. 

I know it is only a couple of steps because of the way I feel when I am done teaching, and when I get to help someone in a one on one situation. I feel accomplished.  I feel intelligent. I feel good. 

I think I might lesson some of the uncomfortableness if I would better prepare myself.  although when I am preparing I feel as if I am well prepared and ready.  Then in the middle of teaching I feel as if I could be better prepared.  So is being unprepared  really the problem?

I am glorious.

april 26

I was over taken by negative thoughts today.  I was overwhelmed with all the things that needed to be done.

so what did I do? I did nothing.  I played a game on the computer.

I finally decided to take a walk.  I was listening to some music while walking and this song played…

 everything glorious

I was able to put my negative thoughts away for a while and just think about the fact that I am glorious.  I still didn’t get anything done, (well I did take care of the grandson unexpectedly)  

Tomorrow I will try to tackle things again. One at a time. I will ask God to get me through it.  He will. 

He made everything glorious, He made me, and I am glorious.

as simple and as difficult as that.

april 25

feeling so much better today.   I get a daily text message from a friend and todays prompted a call to him.  Thanks to my conversation with him I was able to feel some real joy today.  the kind that comes directly from God. 

Depression makes one entirely too self-absorbed.  today I was able to focus on other things   it was much better.  I am going to try to keep this up.

I have a renewed faith today and trust in God and his promises to me.  He will answer my prayers I just have to keep on asking and believing.  Easy right?   it is a simple as that and as difficult as that.

 “be convinced that you are of more value to your heavenly Father than the birds, and let Him give you the good life without the toiling and laboring of the world” 

Funny how this was the message for the day and today was one of the most productive days I have had in a long while.  it was a good day, and life is looking like it will be good again too.


april 23

it is easter weekend and I was so looking forward to  the long weekend with the husband.  so He starts it off by doing something very suspicious.  I can’t figure out exactly what he did do on thursday but he wasn’t at work and he wasn’t home. he says he was in his apartment all day but I that is not something he would do. 

Of course it is all my fault because I get “crazy” over the smallest things. 

But I am pissed.  I can’t be pissed or question him. I need to either “trust him or not”  never mind all the untrustworthy things he has done.  up to and including not telling the truth about being at work on Thursday. 

at any rate it is up to me to make the rest of the weekend go smoothly.  I just have to push my anger and questions down and pretend that I am not extremely hurt. 

even if he did just stay at his apartment all day, he still didn’t want to be here with me.  and that really hurts.  and pisses me off. 

so here I am feeling like a stupid fool again.  AGAIN.

#1 on my to do list. Make a to do list.

april 19

Today I was depressed and unmotivated.  I could not get moving. so practically nothing got accomplished. 

all I did manage to get done was some preparation for the class I teach on Wednesdays.  I teach a basic scrapbook class.  I enjoy teaching the class for the most part. although I am always fearful that I will make a fool of myself or be boring. 

as for the rest of everything, I need to make a list. prioritize it and then do it.  I believe I also need to make my daughters do some of the things that will be on that list.    problem is I am not in the mood to make a list.  it is just another thing I can’t get done.  ugh! 

so here goes.  The #1 item on my to do list is to make a to do list.    maybe I will get that done tomorrow.

how was your day?

april 18

My husband asked me if I had a good day today.  I told him yes because I guess I did.  well at least it wasn’t a bad day.

I was feeling more negative today. 

I spoke (well Facebook chatted) with a friend who lives about 5 hours away.  Her father-in-law passed away last week so I wanted to check in with her and express my condolences. 

as we chatted we began to talk about church and life in general.  she told me I need to stop doing so much for the others in my family.  to do something for myself and to find joy in my life.  of course she has found some joy and comfort from the church she is attending.   I am not.  I am trying to find joy in my creative abilities. but life seems to keep getting in the way. 

I want to find joy and be happy again.  I do feel joy at times. but mostly I am just tired.  tired of all the stuff that needs to be done, and tired of being the only one that does it. and tired of being criticized for how it is done or for the speed it is done or for it not being done at all.  but mostly I am tired of being apart from my husband. 

I remember a time when I was content with how my life was. Even though it was not exactly how I wanted it to be.  I was content and accepting of things as they were.  I no longer feel that way.  I want things to be the way I want them to be.  which is the more traditional and normal way.  like living full-time with my husband!   

sometimes I feel if I had not been so accepting of the status quo I would not be in the emotional state I am in now.  I guess it is up to me to make it happen.  even if it pisses some people off! 

so how was your day?

strange day

april 14

Today was a strange day.    maybe because I didn’t get much sleep.  maybe because I am still recovering from my latest reality check.  maybe life is just too hard some days. 

the first thing I had to deal with today was getting the car running again.  we knew what the problem was.  but where to get it fixed was another story.  it ended up that a friend of my neighbor fixed it for 30 bucks which included the part we needed.

because of the car issue I had to walk to get my routine mammogram.  when I get there I realize that I forgot to bring my dr orders, which may cause a reschedule of the appointment.  sigh.  thankfully my daughter was able to fax it to the office.  mammogram accomplished. 

due to my lack of sleep the night before I needed a nap before work.  of course I am put in charge of nap time for the grandson and he decides that he does not want a nap.  thankfully his mother and aunt come home from their lunch in a timely manner and take him for a walk.  nap before work accomplished. 

I also manage to get something to eat before work, eat it and get clocked in without being late.  (sometimes that is a big accomplishment)

Work was frustrating tonight.  worked on several orders but got almost none of them completed.  growl. 

I kept my phone in the shop with me tonight (a big No No) I am not sure why I did.  but I was glad because a friend of mine who I had recently told that one way he could help me was to check in with me more often just to say hello and see how I am.  He did that tonight through a text.  that brought a smile to my face. 

my day was shadowed by a large dark cloud over me.  I felt lonely and depressed and unloved.  most of the people I called today did not answer their phones.  or return my calls.  some days that is just too much for me to handle.  today was one of those days.

so it was a strange day.  good things happened but I am still sad and blue.  I know I am not crazy, but when I have days like this my family thinks that I am.  I just wish they could be more encouraging when I have days like this.

16 to 1

april 13

The husband and I just had one of our phone fights.  they might not be as bad as they get if he wouldn’t hang up on me.

of course it was over “her”.  I was talking to him  about midnight and I heard the phone “buzz”  I asked who he was texting.  He got defensive.  so I knew it was her.  I don’t know why he can’t get it through his head that part of what upsets me most is him not telling me about his contact with her.  finally he told me what she was texting him about and it was about some event she went to and was excited about.  I said it was something that could have waited till tomorrow to tell him about and that it is upsetting because calling or texting someone at midnight because you can’t wait to tell them something signifies love.  and I am not happy that she loves my husband!!!! PERIOD!

The thing is, if he would set and follow boundaries with her, I would be much more understanding about this friendship.  I know my husband and know that he feels ending the relationship all together would be like abandoning her.  so I am willing to wait for it to lessen.  but he has to set boundaries.  Number one boundary is appropriate times to call and text.  anything after 9:00 PM is inappropriate!  that time is reserved for family.  it is my time to call him!  He says he will set this boundary with her… we will see. 

once again we have landed in the area of  a negative action or word is 16 times more powerful that a positive one.  yesterday and today he sent me some nice texts and emailed me a YouTube video of “our”song.  He encouraged me when I didn’t feel like working out tonight.  He was wonderful. 

this 16 to 1 idea is something that he loves to preach about.  why is it that people never seem to want to practice what they preach? 

Just the fact that the amount and subject matter of their talk is something I have to wonder and worry about is a negative action to my mind.  I try to focus on the positive things he does for me, but it is still there. every day.

I want to enjoy ME!

april 12

Today was therapist day.  of course he was running late. he usually is.  it was one of those sessions where nothing really happens until you only have a couple of minutes left.  so I left with the words, lets continue to address this next time.  Next time is two weeks away.

the topic we touched on at the end of the session was what I really want.  Well, I now know what I really want.  TO BE TAKEN CARE OF! 

  1.  I don’t want to pay any more bills, let someone else. 
  2.  I don’t want to worry about who needs to be where, when and how. 
  3.  I don’t want to clean up after anyone.
  4.  I don’t want to take care of anyone.

I want to enjoy ME!

  1. I want to paint
  2. I want to scrapbook
  3. I want to garden
  4. I want to draw
  5. I want to walk and hike.
  6. I want to spend time with the people I love

realistically this will never happen. 

maybe, though, someone, somewhere, will take part of these responsibilities off my plate.

not productive but positive.

april 11

it is monday.  Mondays are usually ok for me.  except I don’t seem to get much done. 

this is what I did today.

  1. walked for a mile and a half. took one of the dogs with me. 
  2. made brownies
  3. did a 25 minute workout video
  4. watched my grandson for the evening
  5. met the new neighbors
  6. tried to work on my scrapbook challenge.  feeling a creative block. 

 That is about it for the day.  not really too productive. 

but at least I am not feeling depressed.