Monthly Archives: May 2011

sad days and home improvement projects.

May 25

I am finding that Tuesday and Wednesday seem to be my sad days.  I try to ignore the sadness and think positively.  That is becoming easier and easier as time moves forward. 

I believe my week goes like this:

  • Sunday good until the husband leaves, but only the sweet sorrow of saying goodbye. 
  • Monday time to get on with the week or recover from the weekend, and some Mondays I have to work.  not too bad since I just spent the weekend with the husband
  • Tuesday too many days till friday when the husband comes home.  I start to really miss him and sometimes wonder if he is missing me.  Tuesdays seem to be the days that I get caught in thinking about the past. 
  • Wednesday no more residual effect from the weekend, and still far from friday.  it helps when I have students to teach.
  • Thursday only one more day.  I can do this.  I get more energy and begin to get things cleaned up from the week and ready for the husbands return.
  • Friday really in cleaning mode now.  hate when I have to work on friday evenings. 
  • Saturday usually enjoy time with the husband and if we are lucky we even get a few minutes to ourselves.  although we enjoy our time with the grandson.

Next week will be different though.  I finally get to go stay with my husband for my days off!  It has  been a long time coming. 

I am looking forward to seeing him at the end of each day. 

but first the holiday weekend.   we will be installing a new vanity in the bathroom.   Hope we make it through relatively unscathed.  he tends to get frustrated with me when we do projects like that.  there are times when I don’t really understand what exactly he wants me to do.   He will say “hold that”     Hold what?  what exactly is “that”      And then there is the go and get me a “____” (just fill in the blank) I usually do know the tool he is asking for, I usually don’t know where it is.  which means I have to hunt for it.  when or if I do find it, by the time I get it to him he has found a substitute tool. 

He get frustrated with me, and I begin to get anxious about doing something wrong, which makes me make even more mistakes.  It can get ugly.  OH and don’t forget we will have the 2-year-old grandson trying to help pappy too.

Maybe one of the kids will be available to help this weekend.

I want to be funny.

May 24    

I would like to be a humorous writer. I have found, however, that my attempts at humor fall short of being funny. 

I am a nice person.  an intelligent person.  a creative person.  at times I can be a tiny bit witty. But never funny. 

My son is funny.  So I can produce something humorous. 

I can think of funny things in my head, but when I try to express them, they don’t sound all that funny. 

maybe I used to be more funny, but life has been beating me down the last couple of years.  maybe it is hard to be funny when you are depressed?

sometimes you just need a car ride.

May 22

Sunday night again.  My favorite, not!  

Tonight was very exhausting.  The husband left around 6:30.   leaving me to care for the grandson all by myself for the evening.  He decided that he wanted to take his bath early tonight. so about 7 or so we headed to the bathroom for bath time.  giving the bath is not my favorite thing… I am not sure why.  Anyway I let him play in the water a little longer than I usually would since it was so early.  I got him out and dressed for bed.  then we read books… lots of books.  then the real fun began.

He would not go to sleep, he said he had to poop in the potty, so we went back to the bathroom and he sat and sat and played with this and that.  then we went back to bed.  He tried to get me to read more books, I didn’t.  then we sang the goodnight song.  we only do the last part, he loves it and sounds so cute when he sings along. 

he played the now I lay me down to sleep prayer bear several times.  and then we put the bedtime music on his “Scout” dog.  (love the leap-frog “Scout” ! Highly recommend it for any child!) 

then we went through another round of poop in the potty. 

Flash forward to 9:30…  His mother, the 28-year-old finally got home from work.  I was so frustrated that I went out for a soda and a snack.  that is something I never do. 

She took him for a car ride to get him to go to sleep.  all the while saying to his mother “is Grammy mad at me”?   

Hope tomorrow night goes better.  I will be on duty then too.

a way of letting it go.

Phoenix Burn lyrics

This song is speaking to me today.  “I need to find a way of letting it go”

Remembering things that have happened in the past and holding on to the pain is getting me nowhere.  Why hold on to the pain?  I think I do because I feel that future pain that may come won’t be as painful if I am already in pain.  But what if future pain doesn’t come?   Then I am holding on to pain for no reason.  not that there is a good reason to hold on to pain.  I guess the pain becomes a type of shield.  What other things, good things, is the shield of pain deflecting? 

So here I am finding a way of letting it go.    my faith is helping me let go.  focusing on the promises and blessings from God help me to put the pain where it belongs… in the past.

answerless questions.

may 17

I am beginning to wonder about me.  Am I holding on to all the hurt and pain?

Or is it still there for a reason?  Has it never really gone away because the relationship the “her” is still going on?  Would it have gone away if  the relationship had stopped?   

If I could trust more, would my relationship with my husband be better?  Given the state of things should I trust more, or am I right to keep my guard up? 

a friend of mine just said to me, “You never solve anything, apparently you aren’t ready to.”

Wow.  is that true?   I responded that “I don’t think I am the one who isn’t ready.”    

I think my friends are tired of hearing me wine.  but if that is the case, are they really my friends?   Which if that is true then I am back to being friendless.  

I give up.

forward movement

May 15

it is the end of the weekend.  not a bad weekend.  I had to work an extra day on saturday so I did not get to spend as much time with the husband as I like.  However, we did go out for a bit on saturday evening, and we went to breakfast on sunday after church, just the two of us. 

We took a shortened version of our sunday afternoon nap.  then spent some time with the family.   He left to go back to the town where he works at 7:00pm.  That is when the loneliness begins to set in. 

It seems that the last two weeks he is sad when it is time to leave as well.  He has been giving me extra hugs and kisses before he leaves.  I also think he is actually looking forward to next month when I will be able to go there for the time I am off work each week.  

Trust is not fully restored.  I am not sure how much restoration there actually is.  But it is better. 

some things are different, yet so many things are still the same. 

the path of recovery is so long and hard.  I am thankfull for the forward motion.

bike riding update

 May 11

around 11am I called  the 25-year-old and said, “come over, I am going to try to ride the bike.  I need help, encouragement and someone to take me to the hospital when I get hurt.”   He replied, “I’ll be over”     I am sure that after watching me dance to the Xbox kinect Michael Jackson experience the other day he was more than happy for more entertaining activities of his not quite 50-year-old mother. 

I also woke up the 20-year-old. 

I think it was about noon when we headed outside and I pulled the pink retro style bike out to the sidewalk. 

I straddled the bike and became instantly filled with fear and anxiety.  But I was determined, and I reminded myself that God is not the author of fear.  My son was close by. it didn’t help.  I was yelling at him not to push me and that I was scared.  I kept saying that I can’t too this, I am too afraid.  I was not happy with myself.  I kept asking, “why can’t I do this?”

  I told him that I thought the seat needed lowered.  he went to look for a wrench, and I rode the bike for about 30 feet.   no one saw it. (figures)

The seat was lowered.  I got on the bike and rode up the street.  about a half a block.  stopped the bike turned it around and rode back down the slight downward slope, (yikes)  they were telling me to peddle, but the bike was going all on its own, faster and faster.  so i put the brakes on.  They then told me not to go so slow.  Slow is fine for me.   I stopped st the intersection.  waited for the cars to go by, and started off again. 

The kids told me that I had to ride all the way to the park. (about 3 or 4 blocks)  so I did.    When we got to the grassy area of the park, I rode in the grass to practice turning. (turning scares me too)    I did a few turns.  riding in the grass is more of a workout than riding on the road. 

It was then time to ride back home.  I told my daughter to take a video of me to send to the husband.   she said you are too far away and will have to turn around.  I was in a three-way intersection with lots of room so I did.  it went ok.  then they told me to turn around again.  no intersection.  I ended up heading in someones driveway and had to stop and back up.  all this was recorded on her phone. 

Of course the husband showed it to his office staff.  they all got a good laugh.  so glad I am here to amuse people. 

Day one of the bike riding experience was a success, at least in my book.  here’s to a good day two tomorrow.