I was on a slippery slope.
I was away for the weekend. nice visit to see the oldest son, wife and granddaughter. made for no real quality time with the husband.
of course when I get home the house is in exactly the same condition (well actually a bit worse) than when I left. And the only person home was the oldest daughter, we took her son with us.
So that + not enough time with the husband = deep sadness, panic attacks, and everything else that goes with my “disorder.” what ever that disorder my be. There are other factors that general life add to the equation. I am feeling better today.
Some days it just seems that I can not handle the everyday things that need to be done. I try to be positive about life but it just bogs me down some days . I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. The stress of getting bills paid, cleaning up, and working (not that I work all that much) taking care of the dogs,cats and bird, is more than I can deal with. I think about it and all I want to do is crawl into bed. when I do that then I feel the guilt.
guilt for giving in, guilt for not being able to do what other people seem to be able to do so easily. or at lest DO, if not easily. I then begin to feel guilt that I find it so difficult to find relief though God. I know that it is there. and yet I hold on to the pain, fear, and uncertainty.
Today I have been focusing on that relief from God. Which is making this a better day. at least emotionally if not productively.