Monthly Archives: June 2011

life gets in the way

june 28

That is my excuse for not posting for the past week. 

I worked, went to a convention, went to the MIL’s, came back home worked and worked again. 

I was in a mix of got-a-do’s and want-to-do’s.  

Work falls under the heading of got-a-do.   Spending time at the MIL’s is under both.  The convention was a want-to-do. 

Work for me is not really a bad thing I like my job, but it gets in the way of things I would rather spend my time on.  like my marriage, my arts and crafts, and just about everything else. 

Spending time at the MIL’s is not bad either except for the lack of internet.  However time with her at this point is a premium,  she won’t be with us too much longer.  Could be weeks or months.  Only God knows the answer to that. She is appreciating the time we are there.  Right now she is in the hospital, but will be moved to a home soon. The husband is there to help get her moved and settled although we are not sure of a time frame.  And Hospice will be assisting in her care. 

The convention I really enjoyed.  It was nice to get away for the night and following day.  I met a new friend.  Spent some time with my sister, and her daughters.  Got to practice my favorite pastime, making scrapbooks. 

So I have neglected my blog.  Be sure that with all that is going on these days I will be neglecting it again. 

I would ask for prayers for our family and for the MIL.  thank you.

 

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caring for an aging parent can be like falling off the face of ther earth.

June 23

Some times caring for an aging parent is like falling off the face of the earth. 

That is where I have been for the past 6 days.  Taking care of my Mother-in-law, with the exception of saturday night when I got to spend some time with an elementary school classmate of mine.  

The MIL has no internet or computer so I was not able to blog while I was there.  this did provide me with time to draw, which was very nice. 

The MIL is 87 years old, has lung cancer that is sort of under control for the moment, (at least it was), is on oxygen, has limited mobility of her arms, uses a walker and only weighs 97  lbs. 

She has always been feisty and has never really seemed to think that much of me.  She often tells others how I made the husband quit this and do that, and even last Mother’s day told him that he does whatever I tell him to.  I’m not sure how she came to that conclusion because nothing could be farther from the truth.  I have never really felt welcome by her or my sister-in-law.  I even quit taking food to holiday gatherings because they wouldn’t eat anything I brought. 

Yet there I was staying with her on the days I should be with the husband. 

I am not a nurse, or a nurses aid, or even a personal care giver.  Mostly she just needs someone to get her meals, medicine and help her get dressed when she needs it.  She needed it a lot this week.  I was even changing very wet adult diapers. 

I almost think she has begun to prefer me to her daughter in caring for her. 

My sister-in-law is much like the MIL.  rough and tough.  She prides herself on being a bitch.  I will preface what I have to say about the SIL with the fact that she is scared, concerned and a bit unwilling to face the impending death of her mother.  However, I do not think that excuses being demanding and forceful with the MIL.  She and her cousin like to tell the MIL what to do.  “Get up and move around.  Walk to the kitchen.  Don’t just sit there”   They treat her like a child and I feel they are stripping her of her dignity. 

In their effort to will her to get better, they make her feel lazy and useless.  Thus causing her a great deal of anxiety.  To the point of panic attacks.  It is very unsettling. 

The MIL was admitted to the hospital today. The third time in as many weeks.  She has fluid on her lungs again.  I think it is from the cancer. 

I hope the SIL and the husband can come to a peaceful solution to what the next move is.  He will be going there again this weekend to see what is going on hopefully find out what his mother wants.  What SHE really wants, not what she thinks will please her daughter. 

I will not be there. I have a previous commitment.    just as well I think.  although I would like to be there for moral support for the husband and the MIL.


the positive and the negative

june 16

I’m not sure what to write about today.  It was a rather ordinary day.  I watched the grandson, it rained off and on, and so we mostly watched movies.  Thankfully the 20-year-old took the grandson for a little while so I could take a nap. 

No conflicts today. 

I am looking forward to the weekend.  Well at least parts of it.  The part about staying at my mother-in-laws, not so much.  Seeing the husband, very much.  having a visit with an old school mate, very much. 

The problem I have with looking forward to things is that when I do I almost always get disappointed.  I am tired of  disappointments.  

 I never really thought I was such a negative person.  I hope that it is a result of my depression and will fade as the depression gets better.  The thing is that I am not all that depressed right now.  I mean I don’t have nearly as many depressed days as I did several months ago. 

So my question becomes, is the negativity a result of the depression, or is the depression a result of the negativity?    Or does it really even matter? 

So I have positive things happening this weekend.  Why can’t I simply be positive about them?


the 28-year-old.

June 15

The 28-year-old. 

My first-born child. (the 30-year-old is actually my step-son, although I don’t    refer to him as that)

The mother of the grandson.

Has inherited many of my health problems.

Can be a lot of fun.

Is causing me a great deal of stress and anguish these days.

I worry about her.  I am worried about her mental state.  I am quite sure she suffers from depression.  I worry about her health.  She should be taking thyroid medicine but does not.  I worry about her weight. 

I am frustrated with her.    She takes too much time off work.  Then complains about not having as much money.  She goes out every night. Then doesn’t want to get up in the morning.  She gets too easily frustrated and upset with her son.  She doesn’t want to plan ahead for babysitters and then gets angry when she needs to find someone at the last-minute.  As well as being angry with the family if we want to do something other than babysit when we are not working. She rarely cleans up after herself or her son. 

I love her.  I just wish I could learn to communicate better with her, so she won’t shut down every time I try to talk to her about serious stuff.  I wish I could not be affected when she pushes my buttons.  It is as if she installed the buttons and knows every little detail about how they work. 

I wish I didn’t feel taken advantage of. 


TGYSO

June 11

Thank God the Yard Sale is Over!!!

Grand total for the two-day sale… $28.00     Woo Hoo!!!

The best part is that I had lined up a guy to come and take the rest of the stuff away.  He took most of  what I had for him to take. All I have to get rid of is a bunk bed frame, two chairs and some smaller stuff. 

I did keep the things that I had hand painted, and the Princess House items.  I will either list them on craigs list or give them as gifts.

I am angry that I had to do it all on my own.  I am tired of doing things on my own.  I understand that it had to be this way due to the mother-in-law being in the hospital, but I still am a bit angry. 

As soon as I got the yard sale put away it was time to get ready for work.  I then worked from 2:00 – 9:30.   My daughter was waiting for me ( I had her car) when I got done and we went to pick up the grandson.  She is now out for the evening, and the grandson is in bed, but not asleep.  He just called me.   I am really too tired to watch him tonight.  If he does not go to sleep soon I will be calling his Mother.  

Tomorrow will be a cleaning day.  Dishes, laundry, front porch, back yard.   at least that is my plan.  Of course I will be babysitting most of the day. 

I have many things on my mind these days but for tonight I am just going to enjoy the fact that the yard sale is over!


Yard sale update aka. another bright idea.

June 10

Of course I had to begin the day with hanging signs since those who were asked to do it did not.  Not that it mattered.  I had one sale to a person I know who lives a couple of blocks away for $3.00   YUP  I said $3.00!!!! 

I did have a couple of “drive by’s” and one person stopped and asked the price of two things. Then said “thanks” and left. 

The husband was supposed to be home tonight to help tomorrow, But that isn’t working out since his mother needed to be driven back to her home town and then taken to the hospital.  Not sure what is going to happen there.  She is talking about going into a home, but the doctor said to get evaluated frist since if she goes to a home treatments for her cancer and whatnot will no longer be covered, and will be stopped.

So that means that the husband might not even be here tomorrow to help.  ugh.  once again I am left to deal with the running of this house alone. 

I am not an alone person.  I like to have buddies to do things. although it seems that I am getting to the point where I am so used to it that i would rather just handle it on my own.  At least then I know it will get done. 

I wanted my postings about the yard sale to be lighthearted and humorous.  another bright idea gone awry. 

At the moment it is going on 2:00am.  I should be sleeping.  I have to get up and reset the yard sale.  man the yard sale till 1:00pm then get to work by 2:00pm.  I won’t get through work until 9:30pm. 

If the husband doesn’t get home tomorrow I will scream!!!   although I am not counting on that. 

Which leads to another issue, who will watch the grandson while his mother and I work?   That has not been addressed.  I am sure the 28-year-old forgot that I have to work tomorrow.  oh yeah the 20-year-old wants to take the car and visit the 30-year-old for the rest of the weekend.  which will leave me without a car. 

And you should see the condition of the house.  I have not had a chance or the energy to get the dished done  ( I did tell the 20-year-old to do them but…) and my laundry needs done. I am actually not sure what I am going to wear tomorrow for the yard sale.  it is very hot and all three of my pairs of shorts are dirty. 

So next time I mention some brainstorm of a bright idea, please tell me NO!!!


Please God.

June 9

Will the security of what my marriage once was ever return? 

That is really all I have to say today.  I am so not happy about the place my husband holds in “her” life.  

I don’t think there is anyone for me to even talk to about any of this. 

I am so tired of feeling alone.   Please God, restore.  restore my marriage, restore my faith in love, restore my security.