Monthly Archives: July 2011

angry!!!!!!

July 30

I am angry!

extremely angry!

I want to get even and kick some ass.  I want to throw in the towel and give up.   I want to get my fucking way (pardon my french) 

again I am at the point where I am trying to get used to the idea that my marriage is more than likely over.  But I still don’t want to be the one to end it. 

I don’t want to give them what they want. 

I am such an idiot, stupid woman, who must have the self-worth of a flea. 

what makes me put up with the lies and the betrayal?   love for him or loathing for myself?  

I feel stuck.  stuck loving someone who so obviously does not love me. 

and now that he has quit taking his medicine, he has begun to be critical of everything I do.  I can not make one mistake without being made to feel stupid.  everything irritates him.  and I am walking on eggshells.  Yet I don’t want to be anywhere else but with him.  does that make me crazy? 

I want to fix this.  I want my old happy life back.  The one where he loved me so much he would never talk to me or treat me the way he did other people. 

People would ask me (as they do now)  how do you live with him?  I would tell them “he is good to me and he treats me like a princess.”  I want that back. 

I am praying that it will change soon.  I have to be on guard not to let myself  feel the way I was feeling last year when I tried to kill myself.  I must not give him to power to do that to me again.  I have to be strong.  

I am still going to fight for what I want.  and that is a whole marriage again without the intrusion of others.  I am going to fight harder and meaner than before. 

She is not going to win. 

Now if only I knew how.

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a whole lot of unfriending going on.

July 28

there is a whole lot of unfriending going on around here.  Facebook unfriending that is. 

The husband unfriended his siblings and their children the day after his mother’s funeral. 

Our nephew unfriended me that same day. 

My daughter-in-law unfriended me.  I’m not really sure when, I just noticed it today. 

The husband’s ex-wife thought that he unfriended her… he didn’t… he deactivated his whole account. 

My sister-in-law unfriended me today.  I guess she didn’t like the conversation I had with her today.  I was a bit emotional and she probably isn’t the one I should have been talking to.

finally I unfriended the husband’s ex-wife.   I should have listened to my brother’s wife and unfriended her right after the funeral.  My brother’s wife is usually right about things. 

I am kind of making light of a sad and serious break down of a family.  Although the family was never all that close a adults anyway.  Which makes me wonder why we think that the death of the matriarch would change that. 

There is a great deal of pain involved.  and in the case of some of the people in this family pain manifests itself into anger.  And anger leads to  unforgiveness. 

I pray that time will heal the wounds and the family can move on. 

 


what’s it all about?

July 27

lets talk about sex. 

a younger person recently told me that it truly is all about sex.  Is it?

I have found that I am different that many other women I talk with.  Not that we specifically talk about sex.  but they make it clear that sex is much more important to their husbands than it is to them.  It seems as though things have always been the opposite in my marriage. 

According to this younger person, who is a male, if the sex is good a man will do anything for you.  and that is where the love he feels for you comes from. 

I beg to differ with this young gentleman.  Although I think sex is very,very important.  I don’t think it is a good barometer for love in a relationship.  So many other things play a part. 

That being said.   I want to say that I want to have sex.  often.  more often than the  husband and I actually have sex.  But even more than that I want my husband to want to have sex with me.  I want to know that he dreams about it.  that he craves it.  I want to be the utmost object of his desire. 

I am going to get to be in the same town as the husband for the next week or so.  and guess what.  we won’t have sex that much.  (unless maybe he reads this)  He is in too much pain.  His grief is too overwhelming.  So it is ok that we don’t have sex.  Now that is what is most important in a relationship.  Knowing what the other person is going through and putting aside your own wants, desires, and needs for them. 

I am going to be with him so he is not alone.  (even though he thinks he wants to be alone)   So I can comfort him when he cries.  When he misses his mother.  when he needs me.


begining again, again.

July 23

The saturday this weekend last year was July 25.  it had been a horrible day.  Today wasn’t as bad but last night was.  it was the day I tried to kill myself.

it seems as though we have taken a thousand steps backward.  So much the positive signs I had this past week.  I think I was being placated. 

the Husband is in his life is hopeless, I would rather be anywhere but here.  He and my son may never speak again.  Nothing is good here at this house.  and since I am the one who is supposed to be in control of all these adults, a two-year old, two dogs, two cats, a bird, the physical house, which includes cleaning and maintenance, the car, every bill that needs paying, and the recreation, I am the one who is made to feel worthless and unwanted and the one he doesn’t want to be around. 

oh great now I am crying and if he comes upstairs and sees that I am crying he will make his trademark groan.  When he  is like this I am not aloud to feel. 

He has spent a great deal of the past 24 hours deleting things from his phone.  contacts, pictures, and I don’t know what else.  He is now in the process of deactivation  of his Facebook account.

It was this attitude from him that contributed to the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that I was feeling on that day one year ago. 

I know I did not help the situation by chosing last night to tell him how I felt about his continued contact with “her”   but I figured he was already pissed, so why not then.  He won’t really ever talk about it.  it is a non-issue he says.  There is never a good time to talk about it.  

and while I am complaining about how much my life sucks. I might as well bitch about the fact that no one ever comments on my blog.  another confirmation of the worthlessness of me. 

I guess I will just begin again.


positive vs negitive

July 20

I have had some positive signs from the husband lately about us. 

this is a good thing.  so why do I feel like it will all fall apart?   I can’t get the demons out of my head.  of course in the past I have thought I was getting positive signs only to find out that I was reading too much into them.

So let’s try the power of positive thinking thing again.  

Things are better.  positive signs are just that, positive. 

I think I can, I think I can.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Onward and upward to a happy life with the husband, just the two of us! 

 

 


a spiral staircase

July 13

feeling that deep sadness again.  I suppose it is grief from my mother-in-laws death.  But I am not certain of that. 

I am frightened That the husband will begin to push me away like he did after his father’s death. 

I can’t seem to get a handle on everyday life.  Things need to be done and I have no desire or motivation to do them.  Even though they are important.

again I am alone in my depression. I can not turn to the  husband, he is on the edge himself with his own understandable grief.  He is now swamped with getting things back in order at his work.  How can I help him in this time of sorrow when I am in this frame of mind. 

I feel like I am on a spiral staircase, going downward.


aftermath of loss

July 12

I am feeling a plethora of emotions right now.

I am sad.  Sad that my Mother-in-law is no longer with us.

I am happy.  Happy that she is no longer suffering.

I am relieved.  Relieved that we no longer  have to rearrange our lives to care for her. (not that I was not glad and privileged to do that for her)

I am angry.  Angry about the lack of respect afforded me by her and her daughter.

I am grateful.  grateful that she got a chance to benefit from my kindheartedness in the last months of her life. and that she grew to appreciate me and even love me. 

I am hurt.  Hurt by the inconsiderate inclusion of my husbands ex-wife in the planing of her funeral. 

I am resentful. Resentful that some of these issues were not dealt with a long time ago, by myself or by others. 

I am defensive.  Defensive of the stance my husband has taken toward his brother and sister in light of the disrespect he felt from them.

I am hopeful.  Hopeful that fences can be mended some day.  however at this point it is only a glimmer of hope.

I am not sure if it would be helpful to go over in detail all that has happened or to let it left unsaid.  probably best to let it rest and concentrate on issues I can actually do something about.