I am angry!
I want to get even and kick some ass. I want to throw in the towel and give up. I want to get my fucking way (pardon my french)
again I am at the point where I am trying to get used to the idea that my marriage is more than likely over. But I still don’t want to be the one to end it.
I don’t want to give them what they want.
I am such an idiot, stupid woman, who must have the self-worth of a flea.
what makes me put up with the lies and the betrayal? love for him or loathing for myself?
I feel stuck. stuck loving someone who so obviously does not love me.
and now that he has quit taking his medicine, he has begun to be critical of everything I do. I can not make one mistake without being made to feel stupid. everything irritates him. and I am walking on eggshells. Yet I don’t want to be anywhere else but with him. does that make me crazy?
I want to fix this. I want my old happy life back. The one where he loved me so much he would never talk to me or treat me the way he did other people.
People would ask me (as they do now) how do you live with him? I would tell them “he is good to me and he treats me like a princess.” I want that back.
I am praying that it will change soon. I have to be on guard not to let myself feel the way I was feeling last year when I tried to kill myself. I must not give him to power to do that to me again. I have to be strong.
I am still going to fight for what I want. and that is a whole marriage again without the intrusion of others. I am going to fight harder and meaner than before.
She is not going to win.
Now if only I knew how.