begining again, again.

July 23

The saturday this weekend last year was July 25.  it had been a horrible day.  Today wasn’t as bad but last night was.  it was the day I tried to kill myself.

it seems as though we have taken a thousand steps backward.  So much the positive signs I had this past week.  I think I was being placated. 

the Husband is in his life is hopeless, I would rather be anywhere but here.  He and my son may never speak again.  Nothing is good here at this house.  and since I am the one who is supposed to be in control of all these adults, a two-year old, two dogs, two cats, a bird, the physical house, which includes cleaning and maintenance, the car, every bill that needs paying, and the recreation, I am the one who is made to feel worthless and unwanted and the one he doesn’t want to be around. 

oh great now I am crying and if he comes upstairs and sees that I am crying he will make his trademark groan.  When he  is like this I am not aloud to feel. 

He has spent a great deal of the past 24 hours deleting things from his phone.  contacts, pictures, and I don’t know what else.  He is now in the process of deactivation  of his Facebook account.

It was this attitude from him that contributed to the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that I was feeling on that day one year ago. 

I know I did not help the situation by chosing last night to tell him how I felt about his continued contact with “her”   but I figured he was already pissed, so why not then.  He won’t really ever talk about it.  it is a non-issue he says.  There is never a good time to talk about it.  

and while I am complaining about how much my life sucks. I might as well bitch about the fact that no one ever comments on my blog.  another confirmation of the worthlessness of me. 

I guess I will just begin again.

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About aloneagain3

I am a wife and mother of 5 grown children... and 3 grandchildren.. I have been married for 29 years... I thought I did ok at life... turns out i sucked at it... but I am getting better!! View all posts by aloneagain3

5 responses to “begining again, again.

  • elaborateconfusion

    I feel strange because of my age commenting this. For some reason I feel I can relate. To the feeling of course, not the situation. I suppose it is harder to really get a grip, begin again because you are committed (to said douchey husband? + kids?+grandkids?). You aren’t any more worthless than anyone else, in fact you sound to be worth more. The fact that you are strong enough to still be here a year after you began to feel this way is incredible.

    • aloneagain3

      Elaborateconfusion:
      thank you for reading and encouraging me. I was told the other day that my devotion to my husband was admirable. At times I feel it is foolharty, but I am devoted. and devoted I will stay.

      • smwr1982

        devotion to anything is admirable in and of itself. yes.

        devotion to a husband who isn’t fully committed to you means you don’t deserve respect. that’s not devotion anymore.

        it’s better to have devotion for something that actually builds you up!

        in touch,
        holly

  • victoriasvisits

    Sweetie, Jesus doesn’t ask us to be a doormat. I have been where you are. When my husband had an affair, I loved him with my whole heart, before, during and after. What he had to understand though, was if he didn’t stop THAT DAY that I would love him from a distance. Maybe a far distance. Do you have the wherewithal to move out? Be the devoted wife, it doesn’t help him when you let him run all over your boundaries.
    Be the devoted wife who lives with her daughter, or by herself, who teaches, works a job, helps other people, loves her kids and grandkids, and dearly wants her husband to come back to the fold like the prodigal son.
    You are not helping him by allowing him to do this.
    You have the strength to do this.

    Much love,

    Victoriasvisits

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