Monthly Archives: August 2011

a crock of shit.

almost two months ago my Mother-in-law died.    the estrangement between us and the rest of the in-laws began then.  not really a word from my sister-in-law at all.  untill tonight. via Facebook message. 

We have been accused of steeling a crock.  yes a crock.  apparently said crock belongs to her.  it was in the mother-in-laws basement.  I didn’t know there was crock in the basement. 

She had deduced that we had to be the ones who took it because our family was at the house by ourselves.  that is true, because the rest of the family went to a hotel and spent all their time together at the hotel.  with out us. We were actually quite hurt by their absence. 

Really? A crock.    At our house we are still adjusting to the fact that our loved one has died. 

I wonder who has the crock anyway.  or is all of this just a crock of shit. 


Get away or escape

I had a very nice weekend with my sister-in-law. 

It was nice to get away. 

Getting away would be even nicer if the life I had to return to was the life I wanted.  My life is so far from what I want it to be that I a simple get away is not enough.  I need an escape.

This is what I want my life to be:

  • living 24-7 in the same place as my husband.
  • grown children living in their own places.
  • spending some time with grandchildren for adventures
  • creating and selling artwork. 

If that were my life then a get away would be just that, a break from the everyday.  A life that I would not mind returning to.  A life I would not want to escape from.

I guess the next step would be to develop plans for those things to happen.  But we all know how things go when I make plans. 




who is in charge here anyway?

I am getting ready to go away for the weekend.  looking forward to some fun time with my sister-in-law which is part of the plans I made and posted about last week.

last year I went to this event with my sister.  It was fun except for the major anxiety attacks I was having.  Don’t think I will be having any this weekend.  although I just realized that it is in a very different location than last year.  I thought we were only going to be about an hour away from the town where the husband works.  Turns out it is two hours away.   He was going to drive down for lunch not sure if he will make the two-hour drive or not.  If he does not make the drive it means that I will not see him for 12 days in a row. That causes me anxiety. Change number one.

I have a different work schedule this coming week as well.  I work Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday.  the extra day is good as far as the extra money goes, but my weekend with the husband will be interrupted.   So if you check back to a couple of posts ago I laid out my plan for the next few weeks,  hoping that it would not be thwarted as usual.   This is change number two. 

Again I ask who is in charge of my  life?  cause it sure as hell isn’t me. 



I am oversensitive I think

not sure how to overcome that at this point

When every ounce of  your confidence has been shaken I guess that happens. 

maybe the solution is to hit the bars with my daughters.  People seem to think we are friends or sisters. that should build my confidence.   too bad I don’t really enjoy the bars. 

Funny how I can have two really good days at work and still feel this way.  I suppose that is due to the fact that my personality type is all about relationships.  So doing well at work doesn’t do much for me.  It helps but not as much as other things would. 

Oh well I guess I will take my sorry oversensitive ass to bed.   gotta work in the morning.

life today. for me at least.

in a bit of a better mood today.    had a good day at work…made two $350.00 sales with components that will look good on my report. 

I am now getting things ready for the scrap-book classes I teach, and for an “open house” to promote the classes.  I won’t be at the open house so I am making displays to showcase the classes.   I need to get this done in the next week and a half  and the time available to me is limited.  ugh.

I am so looking forward to the weekend.  spending time with the sister-in-law and away from the children is going to be great.  although I do not like not seeing the husband.  He will however be coming to have lunch with us at one point over the weekend.

I guess that is all for now… boring as it is.  that is my life.   


epic fail

I think I figured out this weekend why  I have begun to throw myself into my artwork.  It is something that I am good at. maybe the only thing that I am good at. 

when I am working on a piece and it is looking bad, I can turn it around and make it look good. 

Here is the thing.  it isn’t of any value.  just like me.  of no value.  I feel as if anything I have ever done in my life that was once good is no longer good.  

I was a good mom.  when my children were young, they were good children, normal children who weren’t perfect but they were good.  as adults they are over dependent on me, under achievers

, and they seem to feel that I should parent them in the same way I did when they were children.  

I had two dogs who are both now dead.  they were good dogs, well-trained and even held obedience trial titles.  I now have two dogs (different gods) who drive every one crazy and cause more problems than enjoyment. 

I am a christian.  I know that will never change. however I used to be different in my faith.  now I feel I am failing at that as well. 

There is nothing in my life that I can point to and say… “look at that. I did that.” or “I am responsible for that.”  There is something  good or something to be proud about. 

what was the point of my life so far?  and guess what, I don’t see it getting any better. 

the most important thing to me has always been my relationship with my husband, and that is apparently not what I thought it was either.  maybe it never was. 

so here I am, one big epic fail. 

tell me what do you do when your life is a an epic fail.  how do you fix that?

here’s the plan.

I have not posted for a few weeks.  I have no reason why. I have been more anxious, and feeling more depressed than I have in a long while.   My time has been filled with working on what I call my artwork.  I’m not sure if that is what it really is, some people seem to like it. (I will post some pictures of the art work soon)  I like it.  funny  though it isn’t something I would use in my own decor.  weird huh?  

So that is what I have been up to.  now for my plans for the next few weeks.  Maybe if I share them here they will actually come to fruition. 

next week I will be working quite a bit.  three, full days and then a crop night. then I am off to a scrapbook event with my sister-in-law.   I will come back to three days at home to clean up after every one else. 

then I will work the days surrounding labor day weekend. Make a wedding cake.  The next part of my plan is to spend 7 days with the husband in the town where he works.  once again attempting to be a normal couple with adult children

So that is my plan.  lets see how this goes.  It has been a very  long time since plans I made actually panned out.


July 31

I am back “home” again. 

the stress I feel here does not make this place much of a home any more. 

I only asked for two things to be done while I was gone and neither of them were. 

I could make a big deal of them but it will not do any good.  I have no authority in my own home or life. 

I am sure this is my fault for letting it happen.  for not asserting the authority I have as the matriarch of the family.  I fear it is too late to change things now. 

I have three days to get the house together.  on two of those days I will pick the grandson up from day care and watch him for the evening, on the third evening I will be at work.   I will spend the days battling against the desire to lay in bed and do nothing since I will be overwhelmed by all that needs to be done. 

Then comes a “family day of fun” at a water park.  we have done this for about 15 years.  and it usually is fun.  with the exception of maybe one or two years.  the stress comes from figuring out who rides with who.  should we wait for someone who might be running late.  Of course any time things do not run smoothly, the blame falls on me, even if it only comes from me.  which is sometimes the case. 

the group this year is small though so things should go fairly well.  I am keeping my fingers crossed.

so here’s to a good week!!