epic fail

I think I figured out this weekend why  I have begun to throw myself into my artwork.  It is something that I am good at. maybe the only thing that I am good at. 

when I am working on a piece and it is looking bad, I can turn it around and make it look good. 

Here is the thing.  it isn’t of any value.  just like me.  of no value.  I feel as if anything I have ever done in my life that was once good is no longer good.  

I was a good mom.  when my children were young, they were good children, normal children who weren’t perfect but they were good.  as adults they are over dependent on me, under achievers

, and they seem to feel that I should parent them in the same way I did when they were children.  

I had two dogs who are both now dead.  they were good dogs, well-trained and even held obedience trial titles.  I now have two dogs (different gods) who drive every one crazy and cause more problems than enjoyment. 

I am a christian.  I know that will never change. however I used to be different in my faith.  now I feel I am failing at that as well. 

There is nothing in my life that I can point to and say… “look at that. I did that.” or “I am responsible for that.”  There is something  good or something to be proud about. 

what was the point of my life so far?  and guess what, I don’t see it getting any better. 

the most important thing to me has always been my relationship with my husband, and that is apparently not what I thought it was either.  maybe it never was. 

so here I am, one big epic fail. 

tell me what do you do when your life is a an epic fail.  how do you fix that?

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About aloneagain3

I am a wife and mother of 5 grown children... and 3 grandchildren.. I have been married for 29 years... I thought I did ok at life... turns out i sucked at it... but I am getting better!! View all posts by aloneagain3

3 responses to “epic fail

  • victoriasvisits

    Aloneagain, my heart goes out to you. Sort of. You have so many things to be sad about.
    On the other hand, my heart doesn’t go out to you at all. I have been in precisely the places you are at, and while it hurts like all get out, I sure as hell am not going to stay there.
    Why don’t you give a damn? I’m a Christian too, an when my husband had a ‘friend’ I realized that Jesus said I had to love and forgive him, but I didn’t have to be a damn door mat.
    Figure it out! Value yourself! I don’t have a thyroid (pills my whole life) have permanent myopethy in BOTH feet (used to be a dancer) and NO HUSBAND because he just died horribly from cancer a year ago.
    GET WITH IT! My teenagers are crushed with grief, and it took me MONTHS to work out of my own haze. I AM SURE there are low cost counselors in your area, mine were free.
    So, I must be a mother and a father, work full time, and deal with my own health issues. I never planned for this. It seemed like God hated me. I can pull the covers over my head like you are doing, or I can FIGURE IT OUT. Get with it, sweetie, you’re too important to lose. Really.

    victoriasvisits

  • aloneagain3

    I do see a counselor and was doing better. It just feels like I ahve taken a step back in time. I know I should GET WITH IT. and believe it or ot i am trying. I guess there is no set time line for someone to finally get to the point when they say enough is enough and they leave. I am closer to that point I keep hoping that it wont come to that.
    we are suffering from a “perfict storm” of events and depression on both my part and my husbands. it is very complicated. but I am not totally without hope. thanks for your input.

  • smwr1982

    one thing hit me at first about this post. your artwork is worth nothing, just like you.

    that’s one way of looking at it, but the other way is that your artwork is literally priceless. just like you.

    and yes, tho i’ve heard several pastors counsel that being devoted and honouring is very christian, they often forget that doing it to the point of being a doormat is not how jesus wants us to honour ourselves.

    word.

    in touch,
    holly

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