Monthly Archives: September 2011

impossible task?

life for me seems to be crazy right now. 

I have a lot to keep straight. 

it is a time for me to become organized.  I am not an organized person. 

I have six classes being offered at work.  and I plan on adding more.  the thought of getting all of that organized scares me because I am not sure I can keep up with it all. 

I am working with a substitute councelor while my regular one is out getting knee surgery.  I like this guy.  He is working with me on taking control of my house.  I have not done what I need to do to get that ball rolling. I am feeling stressed about it because I really want to proceed with this. 

I need to stop letting my daughters run my life and my home and I need to stop letting them treat me like a maid. 

Another thing I have going on is going back to college.  the husband made some phone calls and discovered that I can get an associate degree by taking one class and I can finish a Batchelor degree by taking five more classes and I think they can be done on the internet.    He is more excited about this than I am, but it will be good to finish something I started so long ago. 

of course I still have to keep up with everything else that one must keep up with in normal life. 

I have an overwhelming feeling that I am going to fail.   I feel that if I fail I will lose everything.    I really don’t remember being so negative when I was younger.  but then I never really have had a good memory.

someone hit delete please.

for the second time, I think it is only the second time, this week I am fighting demons of hurtful memories. 

How do I erase these memories from my mind?  They hit my body full force at times.  My stomach feels empty and burns.  I feel the pressure of a 100 lbs dead weight on my chest.  My hands shake and I find it hard to think about anything else. 

I would like to forget, I think maybe I could if there was absolutely no chance of more hurtful memories being added to the file. Maybe if the file was closed in all the  places it exists I could delete it from my memory bank.  



talking points, or what is the point of talking.

Why is it that I have this uncontrollable need to talk about everything. 

I want to talk to someone about every situation in my life.  

I want to talk about it until even  I am tired of hearing about it. 

Somehow I think that if I talk about an issue long enough it will all go away or be solved.  Surely everyone will listen to me, see things my way and we will all be friends again. 

Well of course that is just bullshit. 

I guess what I am really looking for is validation of my feelings, and to know that I am not a fault.  

You see, I run with a tough crowd (my family) who is quick to point out all the ways that it is my fault.  or at least how I should have handled the situation better. 

Which  begs the question, again, why do I have to talk about everything?   If talking about it only results in others telling me where I have failed, why do I want to do it?  

Is that the definition of insanity?