Monthly Archives: November 2011

I don’t know, I just don’t know.

sadness and hopelessness have set in again.  sleep comes too easy, most of the time.

I mentioned to the husband the possibility of a separation, not with the intent to divorce, but to give him time to decide what he wants.  And to give me a break from the pain of knowing that they still talk.  He said no, absolutly not.

our 29th anniversary is saturday.

I don’t know.    I just don’t know.   that is all I can think to say.   I had tought I would concentrate on the other issues in our marriage and put the other woman on the back burner.  but I am not able to do that.  not now, not after talking to her.  not while I know she is sitting in the wings waiting for us to fail.

I guess I really do know.  I just don’t want to face it.

the weekend was good.  Except for some car problems that added stress to our trip.

My daughter arranged a surprise birthday party for me.   it was a very nice party.  just family.  My kids, grandkids, brothers and their wives, my uncle and my two favorite cousins.

My uncle gave me a card that said I am someone who never ceases to amaze him, he had me read it while he was there and then told me that he always felt that way about me and my talent and he is happy I am finishing my degree.   I told him he has to come to my graduation.   He is the last of my aunts and uncles.  He is my mother’s sister’s husband.    He is in his late 80’s.  That was a priceless moment for me.

The husband and I got along well this weekend.

I was slightly angry because we did not have sex.  I have posted before about my desire to have more sex.  I used to be more understanding of our differences in this area, but since his affair I am not as understanding.  I figure if he managed to have sex with two women for two years, then he should have no problem keeping me satisfied.  and I get a bit pissed when we don’t see each other for five days and then he is home and doesn’t want to have sex.  I will calmly talk to him about this at some point soon.

That is one thing that I think we are getting out of our counseling,  the ability, desire, to talk, really talk about what is going on.  We still have a lot to learn.  It really is a slow process.


fighting, not fighting and enjoying time together.

Couples counseling today… it was productive all be it ugly.   there was some yelling.  some truth-telling.  and some crying.

I am still living with actions I do not want to live with.  However, we had some good communication.   we even continued some of the conversation this evening without fighting.

This is a long and difficult process.  I know there will be more ugly before we get to the good.

We are minimising the time spent dwelling on the issues… we need some relaxing times together, and some fun.

Tomorrow we are “making a day of it” to celebrate my birthday.  We will drive two hours to the larger city near us, go to a jewelry store we know to get some things repaired, head to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch/dinner, then a possible visit to my uncles, and maybe a trip to Ikea.   it is supposed to be a nice day and I am looking forward to it.


the end of a friendship and waving memories.

What is it that makes memories come flooding back as if they had just happened yesterday?

What is the trigger?

I was just lying on my bed, thinking about a FB conversation I had with someone I know, about why we are no longer friends.  It was quite upsetting.

I don’t have many friends and I was trying to cultivate one with her.  I had told her about the husband’s affair and the issues I have with my children.  She talked about her children as well and menopause, about getting a job and the various reasons why she was doing that.

Soon it became clear that she was not really interested in the ongoing saga of my marriage.  one night she said things like me never resolving anything.  so I must not be ready to resolve it. and then said she wasn’t being a very good cheerleader.    I asked her if everything was ok  to which she replied “we all have stuff”  I said true… and left it at that feeling that she did not want to talk about it.   we chatted a few more times about jobs and such.  I didn’t really bring up my situation feeling she didn’t want to hear about it anymore since I wasn’t going to “do” anything to resolve it.

a couple of months later  (we didn’t talk for about a month and a half, I would see her on FB, figured she was playing the game she liked to play and if she wanted to see how I was she would ask… I was always the first to make contact)  I asked how she was, no answer.  I messaged her the next day as well when I saw she on FB.  she answered and told me more stuff about quitting two new jobs in two weeks.  so we talked a little about that. then I told her I just wanted to check in and see how she was doing, since it had been a long time since we talked.  she said she hasn’t been talking to much of anyone because she had too much going on. so I asked if everything was ok.  to which she replied that sometimes you can talk something to death.  and that she liked to figure it out and change it. I said that isn’t always easy when others are involved.. she replied, not easy but necessary.   Again I thought she didn’t want to talk about her stuff and disproved of the way I was handling mine.   So I said hope you get things figured out and call me if you need anything.

about a week later I said to her ” hey I have been a bit worried about you.  you ok”  to which she replied “Don’t worry about me… I’m fine, just  swamped.”      me:”you seemed like you were not doing well last week”  her: “I  hit a snag & figure out a solution!”  Me: “that is good… wish solutions were always available”   she did not reply.

a week or so later I told her I needed to buy something from her pampered chef business… she never replied.   that was in september.

tonight I asked how she was doing and it all started out ok.  I asked if she was working and where and if it  was full-time.  she said she wasn’t telling anyone where she was working… I asked why the secrecy and she replied “those that give a shit know”

WOW    I said I give a shit.  and then it went down hill from there….

I’m not sure but I think we are no longer friends because I didn’t have a pampered chef party for her.

So what does all of this have to do with memories that roll over you like a wave?   Maybe it put me in the frame of mind to recall things, I was trying to figure out if I had been a bad friend.    I have been self consumed with surviving my husband’s affair and recovering from my depression.

I really don’t want to remember the email I found that uncovered the affair.   I don’t want to remember the FB message begining, I assume FB is still safe.  I don’t want to remember any of it.    I want to put it all behind us, move on and concentrate on becoming us.

If only solutions were as easy to figure out as my non-friend claims they are.

you only turn fifty once. so why not get drunk?

For my 50th birthday my daughters took me out.  Well we went to the bar where the 21-year-old tends bar, because she was working.   They bought me a fancy hand painted martini glass so I had to go somewhere and use it.

I am not a drinker.  I drink what every one calls the “sissy drinks”    The glass however has a recipe for a celebration martini on the bottom.  So my bartender daughter said she had to make that for me.   it did not taste bad but it was not good.  and it was full of alcohol.   after that one drink I has two others.  I don’t remember the name of them but they have lots of OJ and cranberry juice in them.   However, I got very drunk.  probably the most drunk I have ever been.

needless to say I was quite hung over today.  Bad headache and spent most of the day in bed.  WOW.  a big reminder of why I don’t drink.  I really don’t like the feeling of being drunk.  I don’t like getting sick, which I did.  and I really don’t like the day after.

I suppose one drunken night in 50 years isn’t all that bad.

I did have a great time.  my neighbor came and she and I talked and had fun.  we also sang a couple of karaoke songs.  the neighbor, my two daughters and I, called ourselves the 4th ave 4 (we live on 4th ave) and sang the C-lo song fuck you.

I especially like to sing, very loudly, the line  “fuck her too”   I am sure those of you who have read previous posts  know what HER is being refered to.

I think there is a surprise party planned for me for saturday… but I am not sure.  we shall see.


what I want for my birthday today.

It is my birthday… today I turn 50.

Here is my birthday wish list

  1. a fully restored marriage.
  2. not to feel sad
  3. a good friend
  4. a clean house (done by the other adults that live in this house)
  5. a harmonious family

One wish for each decade of my life.

here’s to wishing on my birthday candles (I may or may not have a cake.. I never know with this family) for them all to be granted.

oh and if only one wish could be granted I would want it to be the fully restored marriage.    complete with the erasure of the pain of the husband’s affair.


still holding on.

I had an emotionally exhausting counseling session today.

I am chosing to keep myself in a situation that is destroying me.    I am not ready to make the healthy choice.

We talked about the possibility of  separation.  Wow.  as I type that I get a sick feeling in my stomach.

The reason for separation would not be the first step in a permanent split… it would be to give me a chance to concentrate on myself.  to take care of me and put me first.    I am sure the husband would not view it that way,  He would consider it the beginning of the end of our marriage.  That I think is why I can’t do it.  I reiterate my position.  I DO NOT WANT MY MARRIAGE TO END!!!!!

However, neither can I accept things as they are… I do not want a mediocre marriage either.

So here I am between a rock and a hard place.  Totally committed to a man who is not totally committed to me.

These issues will be discussed in our couples counseling this week.  I pray that the husband allows God to work in him and restore our marriage to what God intended it to be.