about my birthday.

Three more days until my 50th birthday.

50.   How do I feel about turning 50?   I guess I am glad to have made it this far.

When I was young I never thought I would live past the age of 36, since that is the age my mother was when she died.   So here I am about to turn 50.

Of course there was my two suicide attempts last year.  Yet here I am about to turn 50.

still not sure how to feel.

I want to celebrate.     I’ve always want to celebrate my birthday.    I can never remember having a really great birthday.  I am usually disappointed in some way or another.   I’m used to that.  Some years I have reconciled myself to the fact that nobody else thinks the anniversary of my birth is a big deal.   I feel people either find me a person of no consequence, or take me for granted, “oh, (aloneagain3) has always been here and always will”   I am a person not worth remembering.

As far as the actual years and how I feel about me personally?  Not too thrilled about some of the physical aspects of getting older.  Love that I will soon stop having periods!  Feel just a little bit wiser, not so much of a kid anymore.   I definitely feel like telling those who want to tell me what to do, “I am 50!  I can do what I want, when I want!”

So all in all I don’t feel too bad about reaching this milestone year.

Too bad some of the issues I am forced to deal with have me feeling like none of it matters and death might not be such a bad thing after all, even if they are brief moments.

 

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About aloneagain3

I am a wife and mother of 5 grown children... and 3 grandchildren.. I have been married for 29 years... I thought I did ok at life... turns out i sucked at it... but I am getting better!! View all posts by aloneagain3

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