Three more days until my 50th birthday.
50. How do I feel about turning 50? I guess I am glad to have made it this far.
When I was young I never thought I would live past the age of 36, since that is the age my mother was when she died. So here I am about to turn 50.
Of course there was my two suicide attempts last year. Yet here I am about to turn 50.
still not sure how to feel.
I want to celebrate. I’ve always want to celebrate my birthday. I can never remember having a really great birthday. I am usually disappointed in some way or another. I’m used to that. Some years I have reconciled myself to the fact that nobody else thinks the anniversary of my birth is a big deal. I feel people either find me a person of no consequence, or take me for granted, “oh, (aloneagain3) has always been here and always will” I am a person not worth remembering.
As far as the actual years and how I feel about me personally? Not too thrilled about some of the physical aspects of getting older. Love that I will soon stop having periods! Feel just a little bit wiser, not so much of a kid anymore. I definitely feel like telling those who want to tell me what to do, “I am 50! I can do what I want, when I want!”
So all in all I don’t feel too bad about reaching this milestone year.
Too bad some of the issues I am forced to deal with have me feeling like none of it matters and death might not be such a bad thing after all, even if they are brief moments.