Monthly Archives: December 2011

worst pain ever.

I am sure there are those who feel that the worst pain one could ever feel is the death of a parent.

True that is very painful and it changes your life in tremendous ways.  I remember feeling lost, alone and had a sense that I had to be all grown up now.  I was in my early 30’s when my mother and farther died.

The pain I feel now as a result of my husband’s infidelity is by far greater, longer lasting, and more difficult to understand.

It is worsened by the fact that the husband doesn’t validate my pain.

I want it all to go away.  I don’t want to have thoughts about the two of them together.  about their conversations.

I would love nothing more than to right now at this moment to go and talk with the husband about how I am feeling, and to have him just be understanding, and remorseful.

I feel however that he would consider it to be another “beating” as he calls them, and that he would soon revert to telling me how badly he was feeling and how that lead him to the affair in the first place.

I am no sure we are going to make it through.

So happy new year to all of you who have hope for a better future.  As for me it seems to be just another day in this time of pain.

The worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life.


caregiver of me

MY EXAM WAS ACCEPTED!   The grade was a 90/100.   Thank God.

I moved on to the next chapter today and took the related quiz 3 times.  the first time I got a 60%  (I read most of the chapter at the local Panara, and I think there were too many distractions for me to absorb the information)  So I studied the questions I answered incorrectly , read the power point for the chapter and re-took the quiz, then got a 93.33%   again I studied the incorrect  answer and re-took the quiz a third time achieving a score of 100%!!!!   I am very excited.

Tomorrow I will read the next chapter, and Powerpoint and take the corresponding quiz several times.  then I will take todays quiz again for review and finish by taking the exam on these two chapters.

I had a counseling appointment today as well.   it was very productive for me.  I gained some new perceptions about myself and what true healing from the depression I have suffered from means.   It does not mean going back to who I was, caregiver to all.  It does mean moving forward to becoming who I should be, caregiver of me.


seconds to fail.

I guess I did a stupid thing tonight.   I decided to follow through with my plan to get the exam due by midnight on the 27th out-of-the-way early so I could get ahead on the work for the next couple of days, even though the grandson was not fully asleep.

He interrupted me enough that I did not get the test submitted before time ran out,  by seconds.

now I have a zero on the exam.  I have sent an email to the professor asking that she accept it anyway and the reason why I exceeded the time limit. We will see what she says.

so my grade has gone from an 89% to a 71% because of this.  I am more than pissed.  at myself, at my grandson, at my daughter for taking so long to get home.  and at my son who came home but didn’t stay to help me out.  I am so tired of being angry and for having reasons to be angry.


I am so much closer to being done.  and moving to the next step, one I had hoped to avoid.

it saddens me.


So on top of everything else that is going on, I now have a sore throat.

the 28-year-old came home from the hospital today.  so far so good.  no conflicts.

The social phyc. class I am taking is going pretty well.

Yet I feel as though I am simply surviving.   I want a resolution.  I want to live, not just survive.  I thought I was getting back to that, but now feel pulled in many directions.  I have to continue to stand up for myself.  To not be used by my children.  If I continue to allow them to demand that I do everything around the house I will not pass my class.  I refuse to let that happen.

they will have to step up to their own plates. and stop expecting me to pinch hit for them.


Classes, Children, Counseling, Christmas, & Me.

I began my on-line class this weekend.   I think I like the method of teaching through quiz taking.  Although I need to chill about the score and use it as more of a study tool.   tomorrow I will re-take chapter 2 quiz a few more times. and then move on to the exam for chapters 1 and 2.

So this is what else is going on.   28-year-old is still in the hospital recovering from her gunshot wound.   21-year-old announced that she is pregnant and is going to get an abortion.  couples counselor told us he will no longer be counseling us because there has been little or no (mostly no) progress in one of the big issues we went there for, the husbands continued relationship (no matter what level it is on) with Her.  The husband will begin individual counseling and I will continue with mine.   I would still like to be having couples counseling and hope we can get back to it soon.

five days till christmas and I am certainly not ready and I don’t think I will be.   Funny, I am actually ok with that.  I have never been ok with that before.   I have some gifts bought, most decorations up, no baking done.  It has always been very important to me to have a beautifully decorated house and cookies and breads to give away, but this year it just isn’t.

I guess I am getting stronger, I feel that I could handle life on my own.  I am feeling stronger.  I am making decisions that are more healthy for me.  although I am taking baby steps at least I am moving forward.


from anger to excited in 60 minutes or less.

not as angry as I was yesterday or the day before, but still angry.

I do not like being angry. I think it is a waste of time and energy.  yet here I am feeling angry, almost all of the time.

OK  I just started reading the book for my first class on the internet… I am actually excited.   Just what I needed to take my mind off of being angry, and focus on something good for me.

and then the negative thoughts about being able to do this begin to creep in.  Time for some positive self-talk.

I am an intelligent woman,  I am a remarkable woman.

I am excited about and interested in the class I am taking.  That means that I can do this and do it well.

Social Psychology, here I come.