Monthly Archives: January 2012

life and classes.

One week of classes in.  I am feeling good and enjoying it.  I never liked college when I was young.  but I really like it now.  my classes are interesting and I think I am making good responses.

as far as  the rest of my life things seem to be the same.  My children are not any better at helping with the house.    The husband still talks to Her.  We have been talking about it a bit more… which is good I guess.   I do wish we were still in joint counseling.

I am concentrating on my classes as best I can, and trying not to get too bothered by the rest of it all.

 


my sunlight

I had a terrifying thought tonight.   Have I taken on more than I can actually do?

Of course I talked to the 26-year-old added on daughter.  She said take it easy, you will do fine.

Of course I talked to the husband.   He said, you are going to do this, I went through… you and I went through too much to get you to this point so it doesn’t matter how you feel.   You are going to do this.   all I could say back to him was  “Yes sir”

Thank God for my girl… my sunlight!

You know I am going to get through this college stuff.  and I did probably take on more than I can handle.  but here I am and I will graduate in may,   it might not be a pretty as I would like, but I will do it.

Oh and according to the husband, I need a plan… I haven’t come up with a plan of study yet.   Just another thing I am doing wrong in his eyes.    My classes don’t actually begin till monday. and I don’t even have the syllabus for most of the classes so how can I have a plan when I don’t know how much time I am going to have to put into individual classes or what kind of studying I am going to need to do….The husband is convinced that I can not study at home.  When the time comes that I need to go somewhere else to study I will do it.

I hate that he doesn’t trust me enough to do this my way and not his.  Trust probably isn’t the right word.  Have enough confidence in me… he says he thinks I am smart enough, but he really doesn’t.

So I guess the plan for me should be to look to my sunlight for encouragement.


My way or… not

do you ever have a day when you don’t want to be around anyone.  yet you don’t want to be alone.   I am having such a day.

when this happens to me I usually opt to be alone.  maybe not the best option but the safest I guess.

What has happened that I feel dragged back into this sad, hopeless feeling?  Nothing.

Nothing.  that is the problem.  I’m here in a holding pattern waiting for life to go my way.    But why should it?

Life has never gone my way before.    If it had I would not have lost my mother at the age of  6.    My next mother would not have died when I was only 28.  My children would have gone the normal path of  college after highschool, marriage, children, and out on their own by now.  My husband would have never had an affair.

No life has never gone my way.  Maybe it is time to pick a new way.

or just go back to bed.


my artwork.

it is late and I should be in bed… but I was getting a head start on one of my classes.  would like to be ahead so I can have some wiggle room.

I then started drawing.   I like to draw.. well doodle.  I don’t think I will have much time for it in the next few months.

Not sure why, but the photo downloaded sideways.  anyway here is my drawing… well one of them.  a bit crazy I think.  weird.  but isn’t that who I am, crazy and weird.

time for bed I think now.  I hope I can sleep and that I am not overrun with unpleasant thoughts.


fighter.

 

I really found encouragement from Rescuing My Marriage’s post today.     (tried to add a link to her blog… but did something wrong, sorry)

      I will never be an equal because I am not a mistress, I am a WIFE, I am not a liar, I am a fighter, and I am not a victim, I am a survivor.

That is what I am too.    I will keep being a wife, a fighter and a survivor.   which makes me the winner.

I love my husband and he loves me. and although he doesn’t have his head completely out of his ass yet.  it will get there.  and we will get there.


resentful

Have I told you lately that I hate my family.

OK I suppose hate is too strong a word.

I resent that 29 feels more entitled to my services now than she did before even though she asks for the same things.

true she is recovering from a gunshot wound, and she has strep and I would feel like doing for her the things she needs now if she hadn’t always expected them before as well.

I resent that 21 wants me to cook for her and take care of her because she is recovering from an abortion that I didn’t want her to have in the first place. and now after I made her pork chops, she has headed out to sing karaoke for a few hours.  Oh but it is ok because she will be home earlier than usual.

I resent that I can’t talk to the husband about this cause somehow it will become a problem that I created… which it might be, but I don’t want to hear that.  I just want some understanding.

I need to get out-of-town.


plans for me.

I was restless all day.  not sure why.

had a good session with the therapist.  I have been instructed to do something for myself  in the next week.  He identified 3 specific things.

  1. go out for drinks with my neighbor on Wednesday as planned.
  2. go for a hike
  3. go scrapbook with my sister-in-law.

1 and 2 shouldn’t be a problem but I am not too sure if 3 is going to work out. We will see.

so all in all today was a better day.


how I feel… but who the hell cares.

ugh.   in a mood of some sort.   but who the hell cares anyway.

I feel used.

I feel neglected.

I feel stuck.

I feel unappreciated.

I feel frustrated sexually.

but who the hell cares?

 


Closer I am to fine

My first class is all but done.  I have finished all the regular class work but have been given the opportunity to retake one of the first five exams, so I will do that tomorrow.  At this point my final grade is 90.8  which is an A.    Needless to say I am happy about that.

As for the rest.  I am still not getting what I need from the Husband, as he is still talking to Her.  Of course he feels things are fine with us until I bring it up.  No, things are fine for him when I don’t bring it up, but I am still living with the uncertainty and pain of that relationship.

I have a plan in the works to address the way practical things are handled in this house.  I think it too is going to be a slow process.  The Daughters are not going to find it pleasant.  Again, a situation where things are fine if I don’t bring it up, and I just keep doing everything.  Yes, fine for them but not for me.

I pray that things will soon be fine for me as well as everyone else.    I am not sure any of them are going to like it when “fine” for me means I am not in a daily relationship with any of them.   Separation may still be warranted.