I have been very busy with school and have not taken the time to post. I should not be taking the time now. yet here I am.
Valentines day. yuck. it was the worst one ever. I told the husband I was going to leave him after school is over. He was not happy and pretty much said no that he was not going to let me just pack up and leave. we have spent too many years together to give up on us.
I agreed that we would not talk about leaving anymore.
leaving isn’t what I want but in the long run it may be what I need. We will see.
so for the mean time I am concentrating on finishing my degree. I am concentrating on being well again, and not moving backwards.
I began to wonder today if I was suffering from some form of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
I thought of this due to something I read from one of my classes…. in the child abuse class there is a definition of PTS and I sort of fit the bill. I never know when or from where I am going to be triggered into overwhelming thoughts of the affair. It happened in one of my classes tonight. I don’t know what triggered it but I suddenly found myself anxious and back in time with feelings about the affair.
I’m a little frightened that it is never going to go away.
Maybe it isn’t post traumatic stress, maybe it is just mistrust for the fear that it is going to happen again.
All of this is compounded by other problems in the family.
I asked my sunshine when my family fell apart? Her answer was, “ask ‘the husband'” it started when he had the affair.
I guess I knew this but I don’t feel right putting it all on him. As he will quickly tell you, things were falling apart before that, and they were. I think it would have been easier to pull it all back together if he hadn’t betrayed me and them with the affair.
I am getting better at pulling myself back from the PTS episodes. tonight’s one in class only lasted a few seconds, I went right back to concentrating on the material being presented.
so I find myself on a strange ride of ups and downs that come and go quickly. it is exhausting. and I am tired.