Monthly Archives: April 2012

how can I choose myself when I am lost?

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My counselor wrote this for me to keep the other day.  well yesterday.  It is to remind me to stop doing what others want, trying to fix others, and choosing other people over myself (obviously)

So how is this choosing of myself going?  not so well.

It is something I don’t think I have ever done.  I am seeing that it isn’t a daily thing, it is literally minute by minute.  maybe even second by second.

When I started back to college in december, I had direction that was for only me.  I have two weeks left.  I am glad it is going to be over, it has taken a great deal of my time.  But now I am back to having no direction. I will be available for everyone to take advantage of again.  i will not a reason to choose myself.  other than being selfish.  But it isn’t really selfish. I know this in my head, now if I can just get the rest of me to follow.

I’m afraid.  If I choose myself will I lose everyone else that I have invested in for all these years.  I love them, I don’t want to lose them.

I’m afraid.  How can I choose myself? I can’t find myself.  what if I never do?  do I exist outside of those that I have been choosing over myself?  I am lost.

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You is Strong.

I just posted the video clip from the movie “The Help”   if I was better at navigating this blog posting stuff it would be inbedded in this post.  at any rate.

I need someone like the black woman in this clip.  (I appoligize if I am not politically correct in my terminology I do not mean to be).  I need someone to sit me down and tell me that I am kind, I am smart, and I am I am important.  I also need them to add that I am strong.

I need them to be here for the times when I forget that and I do stupid weak stuff.  like I did with the husband tonight.  I jumped at the littlest hint that he might be ready to give 100% to our marriage.  I showed weakness and not strength.  I need him to know that I can make it with out him.  That I deserve a honest committed husband who does not have a girlfriend on the side.   and that I will not settle for less.  and that the future of our marriage depends on his choice not mine.  He has the choice to make, not me.  I made my choice 30 years ago.  and I am sticking to it.

That being said I have a new choice to make in all my relationships.  I chose Myself.    I have never done that before.  not even as a child.  UGH.  now is when I need my own

I just posted the video clip from the movie “The Help”   if I was better at navigating this blog posting stuff it would be embedded in this post.  at any rate.

I need someone like the black woman in this clip.  (I apologize if I am not politically correct in my terminology I do not mean to be).  I need someone to sit me down and tell me that I am kind, I am smart, and I am I am important.  I also need them to add that I am strong.

I need them to be here for the times when I forget that and I do stupid weak stuff.  like I did with the husband tonight.  I jumped at the littlest hint that he might be ready to give 100% to our marriage.  I showed weakness and not strength.  I need him to know that I can make it with out him.  That I deserve a honest committed husband who does not have a girlfriend on the side.   and that I will not settle for less.  and that the future of our marriage depends on his choice not mine.  He has the choice to make, not me.  I made my choice 30 years ago.  and I am sticking to it.

That being said I have a new choice to make in all my relationships.  I chose Myself.    I have never done that before.  not even as a child.  UGH.  now is when I need my own Aibileen.  I need her right here beside me saying in a loving assertive voice.  YOU IS STRONG!

  I need her right here beside me saying in a loving assertive voice.  YOU IS STRONG!


you is kind


which will it be?

it might all be coming to an end… one way or another. 

that is all I have to say right now. 

 


roller coasters, movies, and vacations.

I had a session with my counselor today,  and described my life as a rollercoaster ride.  not one where there are days of ups followed by days of downs, more like minutes of ups and then minutes of downs.    I am tired of rollercoasters.   the ups are too high and the lows are too low.  I want some consistency,  maybe rolling gentle hills and valleys.

I think I could use a little “Eat, Pray, Love” time.

I have plans to take a trip to a friend’s wedding in may, after I graduate.   going to take the train, rent a car, attend the wedding, then head to a time share location for a week.  all by myself.  I will have to think of a cleaver name for this trip.  maybe “Rails, Vows, ???” can’t think of a one word description for the time at the resort right now.  Maybe the title will come after the experience.

I plan to use the time to reconnect with God, reflect on my life, and review my future options.     and maybe continue my family history research I am doing for a class.

here is to MY future.