how can I choose myself when I am lost?

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My counselor wrote this for me to keep the other day.  well yesterday.  It is to remind me to stop doing what others want, trying to fix others, and choosing other people over myself (obviously)

So how is this choosing of myself going?  not so well.

It is something I don’t think I have ever done.  I am seeing that it isn’t a daily thing, it is literally minute by minute.  maybe even second by second.

When I started back to college in december, I had direction that was for only me.  I have two weeks left.  I am glad it is going to be over, it has taken a great deal of my time.  But now I am back to having no direction. I will be available for everyone to take advantage of again.  i will not a reason to choose myself.  other than being selfish.  But it isn’t really selfish. I know this in my head, now if I can just get the rest of me to follow.

I’m afraid.  If I choose myself will I lose everyone else that I have invested in for all these years.  I love them, I don’t want to lose them.

I’m afraid.  How can I choose myself? I can’t find myself.  what if I never do?  do I exist outside of those that I have been choosing over myself?  I am lost.

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About aloneagain3

I am a wife and mother of 5 grown children... and 3 grandchildren.. I have been married for 29 years... I thought I did ok at life... turns out i sucked at it... but I am getting better!! View all posts by aloneagain3

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