Monthly Archives: June 2012

double standards.

really not happy with the double standard that has been set up here.

He gets to have Her.

I can’t even talk to the daughter of the Him I found.

He gets to blame me for his relationship with Her.

My couple of days with Him are also all my fault.

He gets to bring up my indiscretion when ever he wants.  I can’t even allude to his 2 1/2 year affair.

Double standards suck!

neither one of us.

I worked all day.  I wish I could say I believe what the husband said he was doing,  but that would require trust… not much of that there.  We are in a strange place.

I feel like this is where we are.. we are not making each other happy, yet we can’t imagine life with out one another.  And we do love one another.

I think I am still willing to do what it takes to make us work, but I am pretty sure the husband isn’t.   which leaves me not trusting him.

at some point something will have to give.  I have no idea when.  So until then life goes on as it is.

the great pretender

yup that is me.. .pretending that everything is OK

pretending that I am not consumed by anger.

pretending that we are going to be happy while I am one of not the one and only.

I posted a few days ago about not being stuck… the Truth is I am stuck.  but not for the reasons he thinks I am.

I can’t leave… I don’t have a reason why.  I just can’t bring myself to do it.  I guess I’m just not ready to give up.  but I wonder what is it I’m not giving up on?

I’m not giving up on thirty years of my life.  (positive)

I’m not giving up on a cheating husband.  (negative)

I’m not giving up a the commitment I have made.  (positive)

I’m not giving up on the man I love (positive)

I’m not giving up on hope. (positive)



So for now I will keep pretending hoping it will become real.

too Hard?

will my life ever be my own?

At the age of 21 I married and became a mother.

I have devoted almost every day since then to my children and my husband.

The children are all grown, yet I am still constrained by their schedules and needs.

I want to be in control of my own time.  if I want to sleep, go out, stay in, or what ever.  is that too much to ask now that I am 50 and they are all grown?

Taking back your life without loosing it is really hard.

Maybe too hard.


not stuck

He thinks I am stuck.

That I can’t leavc because I have a pittyful job and no money.

all I know is that I won’t put up with what he is doing for ever.  Things must change or I will be gone.

I  don’t know when, but I will.


abnormal as normal.

I was told yesterday by the husband that I accept the abnormal as normal.   He is correct.  although he was referring to  the life styles of our children, the same applies to my acceptance of his distorted idea of normal for our marriage.

I am sure he wouldn’t feel the same way.  Of course he is the king of the double standard.  Things he wouldn’t tolerate from anyone I am supposed to tolerate from him.

so life is continuing as it always does and I am taking it one day at a time.   I’m looking for a job.  Finding a job that is what I want to do will be very beneficial to me.  I think I am slowly coming back to the point I was just a short time ago.   at least that is what I keep telling myself.



blah blah blah

blah blah blah blah.

more of the same. 

blah blah blah

I have lost my voice again.