Monthly Archives: July 2012

the last hurrah.

Two years ago this past week i was in the mental hospital rocovering from my suicide attempt.    The circumstances that lead me to try and take my life are still here.   Not much has changed, except for me.

I am stronger. my coping skills are better I think. 

I have finally gotten my bachlors degree.  and I am hoping to find a job doing what I want, even though I will have to convince someone to create a position for me.

There are times when I think another week in the hospital would be nice.  uninterrupted time  to focus on my, professional staff there to ask questions and help me gain perspective.  but then again, maybe not. 

I am happy to not be dead.   I don’t say “alive” becuse this summer I have not felt all that alive.  I feel like the cancer my husbands affair has aflicted on our marriage is in it’s last stages and death is near. It is the death of what was most important in my life, my marriage, my relationship with my husband.  

what is important now? 

I am not leaving soon.  I told the husband I would stay titl we are a little bit more financially stable, as he asked.  That being said i am trying to savor what could  and probably will  be my last month with him.  He loves me and is trying to show me that, although he is keeping the relationship with the mistress alive. making it impossable for me to stay.  so I enjoy our time together for what it is, not the promiss of the the future, but a last horrah before the death of something that was supposed to last a lifetime.  

It is sad time with some fun moments peppered in. 

Here is to forward motion.

When you file for unemployment there is a “waiting week”  or a period of time after the unemployment occurs and when you can begin to file for benefits.   I kind of feel like this past week has been my waiting week for the future of my marriage, will it continue as we are with the  addition of counseling, or will we separate?

We haven’t spent time talking about it much in the last few days.  I don’t know what is going to happen on friday when we see my counselor again.  I think the Husband would like our marriage to remain in the status quo.  in other words he wants his cake and to eat it too.   I can not see that happening.  I hate living not knowing what is going on.  The mistrust is awful.  He went to get a cup of coffee at our local convenient store tonight and my fist thought was, “you are going so you can make a phone call”  then when the trip took what may have been a legitimate length of time, but I thought it was long I began to get upset.

I spent the better part of the evening filling out an application for welfare, and I wondered if this was an exercise in futility.  Is our household size going to change come friday.  will I be looking for another place to live, will he?

The Husband stated today in a text to me that I always seem so angry.   Is it any wonder?  He has had a mistress since October of  2009.  There are many times when he  still treats me as though I am the dumbest women in the world.  So yes I am angry. and hurt, and sad, and depressed.   I find myself very depressed again.  Not wanting to wake up, or get out of bed.  Not wanting to deal with my family, especially not wanting to care for my Grandson.

There is so much to do here at the house.  and I can’t seem to get it done.  So much to do for myself and my career development and I can’t seem to get it done.  So much to do for my current job. and I can’t seem to get it done.   So on top of the anger, hurt, sadness and depression, I also feel guilty and useless.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.  and maybe the waiting will be over and I can move forward in whatever direction that may be.   Here is to forward motion! (even if it scares me to death)

under his thumb

Can I survive this?

the husband is depressed.  of course he can’t be depressed in the normal way.    His depression manifests itself in aggression, dissatisfaction, and disapproval of me.  any thing I do that is not perfect is a huge deal.

He makes me feel as if he hates me.  maybe he really does.

The last time I went through this I tried to kill myself.  I do not think that will be the path I take this time.  Thanks to the hours and hours of counseling I have had I am in a much better place.    instead of thinking he is right this time I just get pissed.

I hope he realizes what he is doing to us before it is too late.

I don’t need him as much as I did two years ago.  I am stronger and more sure of myself. I know I am not the stupid person he wants me to think I am.  He would never admit or maybe he doesn’t  realize that he wants me to feel that way but he does.  It helps to keep him in control.

I still alow too much.  I am still “under his thumb”


losing trust is probably the most damaging thing that can happen in a relationship.   Trust is the cornerstone of every aspect of a relationship.  The lack of trust leaves a hole that is filled with doubt and questions.  Questions like “what is behind this action?”  “am I being manipulated?”  “is this genuine?’

Without trust joy and happiness become replaced with fear and sadness.  One begins to question their judgement.  Slowly life paradigms are distorted and hope fades.

Regaining trust is a fragile process and setbacks are more powerful than gains.   It takes a great deal of work.  Work by the one who has abused the trust, and an open mind by the one who has lost trust.   In my case my mind has been open,and my heart has been open.   What have I really opened myself up to? More hurt and more betrayal.

The husband has not done the work necessary,  so I have begun to close myself off.  Becoming callous. A callus is hard, rough and difficult to break through.  I do not want to be a person with callouses.

what is normal anyway?

Today was basement cleaning day.

Because of the hot humid weather the basement was emitting the most awful smell.  It was making me sick.  We rented a huge fan and cleaned and discarded  a bunch of stuff.  It seems to be helping.

We ended the day with time by the fire pit and some s’mores.

A pretty normal day.

normal as long as we don’t talk about indiscretions.  Not that we should talk about them all the time.  that would not be productive.  yet they are always there, and since they are not totally stopped they will continue to always be there.

When will normal be truly normal?  And  what is normal anyway?

just a day with a nice breakfast.

no fights today.

a nearby town is having a gas war, and we earned points to get gas at a cheaper price so we drove there and filled up the car and some cans with 30 gallons of gas for about ten bucks.

Then the husband took me to breakfast at a small diner type restaurant.  it was a nice place.

watched the grandson for the afternoon.

all in all today was a good day.