Monthly Archives: September 2012

new things on the horizon

Here is what is new.

1  I have a job interview on October 2.

2 I have had some students sign up for my classes and have enjoyed teaching the classes.

3 the husband is in the top three for a job (out-of-town again)  we need him to get it for our finances… but I do not want to go through him being gone.  although sometimes it feels like he is gone when he is right next to me.

Here is what is old.

1 I am still depressed… but not as much

2 The husband still has HER in his life.  (I still hate her)

3 He still won’t forgive me for his perceived offenses toward him.

4 My children at still needy and stressful!!!

 

I am still committed to my husband and my marriage.   I may have to distance myself from the hurt and pain he causes, but I am not going to end our marriage anytime soon.   I have faith (although it may be the size of a mustard seed) that our marriage will be restored.  I don’t know when.  I don’t know how.  but I know it will.

I love him.   I was even beginning to doubt that.  But through some prayer I realize that I do love him.    I pray he will love me again too.  God can and I believe he wants our marriage to work.

I am trusting in that.

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stagnation

Time moves along and nothing really changes except my moral.  I am more and more hopeless for my marriage.  I could stay in it just the way it is.  but that is making me feel more and more inadequate. 

logically I know that there is nothing I can do to make my husband do what is right.  but emotionally I feel like I am just not good enough. 

Things go smoothly as long as I don’t mention how I feel about the presence of Her in our lives. 

I am angry a lot.  angry at him, at her, but mostly at myself for not doing what I have to do to take care of me. 

I think the thing I am the most angry about it that I am probably doing irreparable damage to myself. 

I’m not sure how but I probably am. 

I feel like I am in a stagnating pond, that just keeps getting more and more brackish. 

My entire life is affected and my mind is consumed with the situation.  I might just be dying.