Monthly Archives: October 2012

ramblings of a wanton woman.

There are times when I wonder if I really am very different from everyone else.

I am a woman who likes to have sex and to have it often.  I don’t get it.  The husband has never wanted sex as much as me.  ( a fact that makes his affair even more distressing)

I know the exact dates of the last two times we had sex.  October 11.  I sent him a text and asked if having sex that night would be a possibility. He obliged.

We had sex again last night.  I did not ask for it as bluntly but I went to bed naked and I think he got the hint.   The issue is that it is not enough for me… I really wanted to have sex again today.    The other issue I guess is that I am not sure the husband really wants to have sex with me or if he is just fulfilling his duty as my husband.  And when we do have sex is it me he is thinking about?  I hate when his eyes are closed.

for about two months after I discovered the affair, sex between us was great, and often.  little did I know that the so-called emotional affair he was in and was ending was also physical and not ending.

Ok I thought writing this would help somehow… it isn’t    I am getting angry and feeling worse.

I wish I could get what I need from my husband.   physically and emotionally!   either that or for him just to go.  and let me heal from this non-stop unbearable pain.

 

 

 

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Feeling

I’m with my daughter at Victoria secret so many beautiful sexy nighties to wear. It is depressing me for several reasons.
1. My body would lower the sexy quotient.
2. I don’t think the husband desires me anyway so what would the point be.

It all makes me feel worthless as a woman.
I hope she hurries. Indeed to get out of here.


I don’t get it

not really having a good week.

I am consumed with thoughts of “their” relationship.

The husband tells me that we are going to be together for  a long time.  He isn’t going anywhere.  well that is all fine and well. and it is what I want, however, I do not want her still in the picture.  he calls her and she calls him and they text all the time.

I have told him to go and live with her for awhile and see if that is what he really wants, he says no.  he says if that is what he wanted that is where he would be.

So where does that leave me?   I don’t feel like I am his first priority.  I don’t feel like he wants to be here with me, married to me, in love with me.

Times are hard for us right now without the difficulty of the affair.  He has been unemployed since may.  he has applied for over 70 jobs.  and has had a handful of interviews.  All of this would be so much easier to handle if I didn’t have to feel the pain of his betrayal every day.

I don’t get where his head is.

and I don’t think he gets the full extent of his actions on me and our marriage.


An update

It has been a long time since I’ve posted. Mostly because I’m not sure this is a safe place to express my feelings anymore. I have a feeling the OW might check here. But then again she might not.

Aside from the on going problems of my family, we are now nearing the end of the small financial resources we had to keep the bills paid. The husband is depressed over this and his unemployment.

We spent the weekend apart. I at my brothers and him at home. I did not handle it well. Mistrust and anxiety consumed me at times. I had trouble sleeping. However when I did manage to keep it together I had an enjoyable time scrapbook -ing with my sister-in-law.

The husband seems less pessimistic about our future. He says he has some ideas about keeping the bills, especially our mortgage paid. I have faith about that. However the more important issue for me is our relationship. A relationship that does not include any others. I still have faith about that too. God is good and will see us through.