I don’t get it

not really having a good week.

I am consumed with thoughts of “their” relationship.

The husband tells me that we are going to be together for  a long time.  He isn’t going anywhere.  well that is all fine and well. and it is what I want, however, I do not want her still in the picture.  he calls her and she calls him and they text all the time.

I have told him to go and live with her for awhile and see if that is what he really wants, he says no.  he says if that is what he wanted that is where he would be.

So where does that leave me?   I don’t feel like I am his first priority.  I don’t feel like he wants to be here with me, married to me, in love with me.

Times are hard for us right now without the difficulty of the affair.  He has been unemployed since may.  he has applied for over 70 jobs.  and has had a handful of interviews.  All of this would be so much easier to handle if I didn’t have to feel the pain of his betrayal every day.

I don’t get where his head is.

and I don’t think he gets the full extent of his actions on me and our marriage.

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About aloneagain3

I am a wife and mother of 5 grown children... and 3 grandchildren.. I have been married for 29 years... I thought I did ok at life... turns out i sucked at it... but I am getting better!! View all posts by aloneagain3

One response to “I don’t get it

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    aloneagain3:
    Have you ever read the “Not Over It” blog? I ran across it yesterday (10/30) when I was reading response comments to a “Rescuing My Marriage” post. I “cut and pasted” (below) one of the posts from the “Not Over It” blog. (I HOPE I cut and pasted the post CORRECTLY so that all of it appears below. If not, please refer to “Not Over It: DJ’s journey to healing after infidelity” blog. The entry that I tried to cut and paste below is the February 7, 2012 “Online coaching” post.

    Of course (as you and I and everybody else knows), everyone’s situation is different concerning affairs (by both the cheating spouse and the betrayed spouse), and some information may be interesting or helpful to one person but not to another. Pertaining to the entry I pasted below, for example, I cannot currently afford $99/mo for online coaching (as described below), and your financial belt is very tight also, as you’ve described in several of your posts. However, I just thought I’d forward one of the posts from “Not Over It” to you that pertains to the availability and advantages of online marriage coaching that’s often MUCH less expensive than face-to-face marriage counseling, and is available 24/7. Maybe you’ll find it helpful, maybe not. But, just know that I’m thinking about you and I wish you the best. God Bless.
    betrayalsurvivor1981

    Not Over It
    DJ’s journey to healing after infidelity
    FEBRUARY 7, 2012
    Online coaching

    For three days after D-day, I was non-functional. I was in physical shock. I could not eat. I could not sleep. I could not think. I felt like I was on a different plane of existence. My world seemed to stand still or move in slow motion. It felt like the hole in my chest was real.

    I slowly started functioning again, but the shock did not go away for some time. I did not eat normally for several months. I still do not sleep normally. And I know my thinking is still a little slow and fuzzy at times.

    After a month, I asked my husband to consider counseling. He readily said ok. I’ve posted about that awful experience. She did not validate my feelings at all. She kept trying to give me new age meditation techniques for relieving the pain. She tried to move me into the marriage rebuilding stage when I was still raw and in so much pain I couldn’t function well. With her red nails, high heels and plastered-on smile she tried to make it seem like the affair was no big deal. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say that. And at that time, it just pushed me farther down into the pit of despair.

    So I withdrew from life and into my pain and I read books, articles and searched online for answers. Emotional Affair Journey was a tremendous help. Then in January I came across Marriage Sherpa. Emotional Affair Journey had mentioned Dr. Frank Gunzberg several times and Marriage Sherpa is his site. I poured over the articles and liked what they had to say. They had a product called Marriage Coaching. A real live licensed therapist who would answer questions in a private blog… sounded interesting. They promised an answer within 1 business day. That made a lot of sense to me. Waiting a whole week or even two weeks to see a therapist was hard. Fights, triggers, and questions would pop up in between visits and it was hard to wait or to reschedule for the next available time slot.

    I hemmed and hawed for a few days. It was a fairly new program at the time and I was leery of trying something online that didn’t have many reviews yet. But I kept going back and looking at the site. I couldn’t find anything negative about it online, and a few positives. My husband said if it would help me, go ahead. It’s $99 per month for unlimited access, cheaper than what I paid for weekly face-to-face sessions with a local therapist. I signed up.

    It’s called coaching because the program is not as intensive as traditional therapy. You give some background, you ask some questions, and you get some advice. In my case, I wrote a few times per week and my coach often answered ahead of schedule. I just passed the one-year mark with him, and have no plans to quit anytime soon.

    I can say without any hesitation that my coach is THE best thing I did for myself after D-day. He guided me through the dark times and he continues to help me up when I fall backwards again. I seriously would not be this far along without his help.

    My daughter asked me recently how long I intended to continue with online coaching. I laughed and said, “Oh, maybe until my coach retires.”

    She laughed. “He must really be something to impress you so much.”

    He really is.

    Sounding like an advertisement? Sorry. But as I looked at my blog the other day, I realized that I had not given much recognition to the person who really deserves credit for helping me move forward. So hats off to my coach and to

    http://www.marriagesherpa.com

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