Monthly Archives: November 2012

Loyalty

I find myself more consumed with thoughts of the affair than I have for a long time.   I wonder what things do they talk about. what was their sex like.  Is there a song that reminds him of her or her of him.  I am sure it has to do with the the distance between us.  I wake up in the night and have nothing to do but think.  When he was here I could find comfort in his presence, and touch.  

It can be torture wondering if he is awake, if I knew he was we could talk.  but if he isn’t and I wake him… 

If I believe that the copy of a text is true she isn’t happy with him right now.  He is showing her his loyalty toward me.  

Loyalty?  I want so much more than loyalty.  I want love and passion.  Devotion.  That is what I want.  but for now I will take what I can get.  

  

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sweating the small stuff.

in general I am  not a controlling person.  however, there are things that I do not like other people to be in charge of.  My children are downstairs as I type rearranging the furniture.  It is needed so we can put the Christmas tree up. But it freaks me out a little bit to let them do it.  

It took years for me to turn over the choosing of the tree to others, but that became necessary when I began to work retail.  They have done a fine job and we have had beautiful trees.  They will handle that for me again this year.  

So I am letting them rearrange with the stipulation that if I don’t like it I will change it!  

The silver lining to this is that none of them are out at the bars!  and they are all getting along.  which may have more to do with the fact that they feel united against me. What ever the reason I will just relax and enjoy it.  and try not to stress too much about what the new arrangement will be.  

I am reminded through this writing of my tendency to remain calm about big issues and stress about insignificant issues.  Although the  issue that  causes me the most anxiety is not small or insignificant.  but I don’t feel like talking about that tonight.  

Here’s to Christmas decorating and giving up control.  


twisted lifestyles.

i am finding myself  in relationships with people who have sewed or twisted ideas of what is a normal lifestyle 

 The almost 30 year old.  doesn’t seem to think that her lifestyle of staying up all night, either at home or out is a problem.  never mind the fact that she can not get up in the morning when her son is ready to.  never mind that fact that she does not like that he tries to be on the same schedule as her.  This is abnormal.  

  The 22 year old.  She is out every every night of the week.  and drinking or drunk most of the time.  She sees no problem with this.  never mind that she is tired all the time.  never mind that it is causing other aspects of her life to be affected. This is abnormal. 

 Then there is the husband.  He says over and over again that the relationship he has with Diane ( yes I am going to use her name from now on.   I don’t care.)  is not a problem.  they are just friends.  I don’t think she thinks they are just friends, to which he  will reply “what difference does it make what she thinks?”   it makes a huge difference.   anyway.  This is abnormal.  

He and I had a discussion with the 22 year old yesterday.  He finds it unbelievable that she does not see her lifestyle as a problem.  I find it unbelievable that he does not see his lifestyle as a problem.   proof that we all see things the way we want to see them.  we all make excuses and justifications for our actions when they are harmful and destructive.  

 As for me.  I put up with all this abnormal behavior making me just as abnormal as the rest of them.   

 


Alone.

What a bittersweet weekend. Had a nice holiday with the family. Although there is always a could over everything that makes things a little less joyful.
I did get to set a beautiful table, something I like to do.
The rest of the weekend retail hell. Actually as busy as Friday and Saturday were they weren’t that bad. Sunday however was awful Customers all seemed to want to argue or question the cost of the items they were buying. Made the five hour shift feel longer than the eight hour ones the two previous days.
Saturday and Sunday turned into family hell. I was foolish and made things worse with my daughters. I have apologized but that probably won’t matter. And now they have justification for treating me badly and acting like bitches. The difference this time is that I’m not going to put up with it. And I am no longer going to pretend that the lifestyle of going out drinking almost every night is ok.
So why the title “alone”? Well the husband has left for work out of town again. Although even if he was still here I’m not sure I would not still feel alone in this mess. Alone to put things back together. Alone to handle the home bills and upkeep. Alone No one to talk to about any of this. No one to lean on for support No one to gather strength from. Simply alone. Alone as I watch my children lead harmful lives and watch my family fall to pieces.


until the scales tip.

so here we go again.

The husband left yesterday to work in Delaware.   He will be gone for about five weeks if not longer.

He will miss my birthday

He will miss thanksgiving

He will miss our thirtieth wedding anniversary

He will be making good money, and it should enable him to qualify for unemployment.  but…

I hate him being gone as usual.

I am scared that he will get a visit from her.  He says it isn’t going to happen but I can’t trust what he says.

He says his relationship with her is just a friendship.  either he thinks I am an idiot or he has convinced himself this is the truth.

I am not fearful of him never coming home.  I know he will come home. I know our marriage will last as long as I want it to continue.  He is comfortable with me.  I am fearful of what goes on in his conversations with her.  I am fearful of what might go on if he were to see her again.  I am fearful of the pain and hurt.  It is a pain that he does not comprehend.  He does not understand the magnitude of the pain.

My psychiatrist asked me today why I have decided to stay in this marriage?   My answer was this,  because of love, history and my personal beliefs.     I guess those things still outweigh the pain.   so I guess until the scales tip in the other direction I will hold on to my marriage.


Anxious life

Life makes me anxious.

I mistakenly thought that at this stage of my life things would be easier.
I thought my kids would be on their own They aren’t.
I thought this would be a time for my husband and I to be just a couple. It isn’t.
I thought with kids gone and just our own needs to focus on we could become debt free. We can’t.

All of this makes me anxious.
I don’t want to be anxious any more but I feel powerless to do anything about it.


Longing

I’m still longing for someone to talk to. Someone to tell me how much I mean to them. Ok. I’m not longing for just anyone. I know who I want that someone to be. The only problem is if it did happen how could I trust it to be real?