As I lay in bed thinking about the craziness of the last hour or so. I rehearse my words and actions for taking control and doing what is best for me.
It sounds good. It even makes me feel good.
Until I really think about actually doing it.
Then you know what sounds good? Death.
That is not an option.
So I’m back to the going to bed.
It has been pointed out to me that I don’t know how to communicate.
So I think I will just go to bed
It has been pointed out to me that I let people get away with what I tell them is not acceptable.
So I think I will just go to bed.
I feel alone and without an Alai in this world. I don’t need anyone while I’m sleeping.
So I think I will just go to bed.
Maybe I will get up someday Or not
Every one should be happy. I’m doing what they want.
The twenty nine year old can go out on new years cause i will be home to watch her son.
The husband doesn’t have to worry if the car breaks down on my way to see him cause I’m not going. As an added bonus to that he won’t have to deal with a crazy wife and he can talk to his sane/whore girlfriend all he wants
The only one who doesn’t get what they want is me as usual. I give in
At least I will get the house clean. Again. That should also make everyone happy
It is all bullshit!!!!!
Some day I would like to get the feeling that I am more important than money. Or the lack there of.
Some day I would like someone to through caution to the wind and say. I don’t care what might happen I want to see you. To be with you no matter what.
Is that asking too much. Is that too sappy. I am a hopeless romantic. Love is very important to me. Life has little to offer without love.
I used to feel very loved. It is different now.
I want that feeling back and then some.
I want to be desired. To be the center of someone’s thoughts. To be so incredibly missed that heaven and earth would be moved so someone could be close to me.
I don’t want to be obligated or responsible for the wants needs and wishes of anyone but my self and lover
I see other couples in my age range being couples. Being in love and being able to focus on each other when ever they want to. Not having to answer to their children about when and where they will go or be somewhere. I want that.
I now find myself angry and disappointed with myself because I not demanding these things in my life. I let this happen to me. I am stuck. And lack the strength to change my life.
I need to make a plan and set things the way I want them to be beginning now. Sounds great doesn’t it. In reality I’ll probably just go to bed.
I think I might just hate Christmas after all.
I was off work today. So it was house cleaning/ last minute decorating day. Thank heaven that the 27year old and the 26year old helped. I could have never done it without them
Yet this is what still needs done.
2 boxes taken to basement
3 steps cleared and swept
4 finial glued on woodwork
5 front porch picked up
6 gifts wrapped
7 scarf finished
8 at least five more gifts to buy.
9 cookies baked.
I have to work tomorrow from 12:30 to 5:30. Can it all get done. Probably Not!!!
I want this to be as close to a perfect Christmas as possible. Because I think nothing is going to be as it has always been in 1213.
Double standard night.
The husband had a bad day so now he is short with me.
I was out at the store too long. You’re as bad as the kids
I didn’t get the dishwasher repairman scheduled
I gave the 26yearold a ride home from work.
This is how his criticizing makes me feel
You are inefficient
You are stupid since the repairman won’t get here for days. Then he will have to order a part. Now it won’t be fixed for Christmas.
You are a push over.
You disappoint me.
And the worst part is I have to keep those feelings to myself or I will get hung up on and told I am crazy.
Yup double standard night. I can criticize you. But don’t even think about criticizing me.