Monthly Archives: January 2013

One more night

First time in a long time something happened in my favor. The husband is staying another day because a part needs to be ordered for his car. 😊 he is actually happy to be staying.

We had a good morning before he went to the garage.
I have to work this evening. But we get another night together and some time tomorrow!!!

He is looking to being home in march. I hope we can do some couples counseling at that point. In spite of his refusal to not talk to Her. There are other things I need to bring to his attention and I would rather do it in session where arguing is less likely.


120.00 bucks

15×8=120.
120.00. Before taxes. That is what the husband makes a day.
He will not be staying longer than Monday evening. ( really only because he needs to get his car inspected)
Two nights together is all I get.
Three days sharing most of our time with family.
I’m not even worth $120.00


The other side of hell

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Ok I’m ready to be in the other side of hell now.


Neither rain nor sleet nor snow…

Waiting for the husband to get home. He hasn’t left yet because of the snow. I have no idea when he will get here.
It really seems like the forces of the universe are plotting to keep us apart.
Makes me wonder sometimes if that is the way it’s supposed to be.
Or am I just getting tired of fighting?
By the way. I have never liked snow very much. Tonight I despise it.
I guess the husband is not like the US mail.


Ugh

Ugh

I am now getting a cold sore.
The husband will be home Friday exactly one month since I have seen him. He won’t want to kiss me with a cold sore.
All I can think is lucky him. Now he has an excuse. Again I say
Ugh

By the way. I love kissing!!!! Him not do much.


Abandoned

I feel so disconnected from every one. It is debilitating to feel as if there is no one you can turn to for love help and support.
Everyone has their own issues. Their own lives.
I feel very alone. I feel as if I have no one to say “let’s go conquer the world together” to.
Isn’t that who a spouse is supposed to be?
I can’t even tell him my simplest feelings. I feel abandoned.
That’s kind of the story of my life.


I want

Tonight I just want to have a nice conversation. About positive things. I really want this conversation to be with my husband.
We didn’t speak to each other tonight we sent texts.
1st topic
What are you doing.
ME. helping the 29 year old clean out her room.
HIM. Netflix.
I later told him I had the daughter stop cleaning and get her son to bed while I cleaned off her bed so she could get some school work done and go to bed. And other information regarding her.

2nd topic
What are you watching.
HIM. a show about Australian animals.
ME. Australia has the worlds most deadly animals. Just a little trivia I know.
ME. Remember when we used to watch Boston Legal at the same time and I would call you when something crazy happened?
HIM. yes. That was when we both had cable 😦
ME. that was supposed to be a happy memory.
ME. that was before I lost interest in tv. Lol.

3rd topic
The weather
ME. I had to turn the heater on in the bedroom tonight
HIM I bet. It’s supposed to get really cold
ME. It is 11 degrees right now
HIM. 33 here
ME. And we are supposed to get an inch or two is snow
HIM. that sucks
ME. yes I hate it.

4th topic.
Food
ME. Did you eat with the [people he is staying with] tonight?
NOT READ YET. Which means he fell asleep.

I want more.

We have conversations like this and then I start to wonder, conjure up, and obsess over what his conversations with Her are like. Are they trivial too? If they are is that good or bad?

I want MY fucking husband back. I want to have mundane conversations and not think anything of it. I want to have loving conversations and not have to wonder if he really feels that way or if he is placating me. I want her out of his life completely. I WANT MY FUCKING HUSBAND BACK. AND I WANT HIM TO BE BETTER THAN EVER!!!!


Making a plan is useless around here.

I’m out with my youngest for her friends birthday.
I always think I want to go and then I get there and wonder what I’m doing here.
There is karaoke so I could sing. And sometimes I do but I don’t feel like it tonight.
Probably because the oldest daughter is now in a mood cause she didn’t get done what she wanted to and now doesn’t have time to go out herself.
Some how some way every time I decide to go out some one puts a damper on it.
I had plans to get a lot of things done this weekend too. I got nothing done as well. We spent all of today baking and decorating the cake for my daughters friend.
I will be going home soon. Then maybe the oldest will get to do whatever it is she wants to do


Out of reach

I am off work today.
No one is here but my grandson I am getting him ready for preschool.
I’m writing here now because I am lonely. I miss my husband. I want to call him. But I am trying not to call him too much. Besides. He probably won’t answer because he is working. And I get tired if getting is voicemail box do much. It makes me feel even more disconnected from him.
I am trying to be independent.
Somehow that seems like an oxymoron to me. Married and independent. Isn’t part of being married depending on each other?
It is three weeks today since we have
Been together. I’m not built to be apart. To be alone. This is unnatural for me.
I crave for more. Better. It all seems so out of reach right now.


Another alone post

Thirty years ago I got married. I’m still married. I married into a “ready made” family. By the time we were married ten years we had four children.
Except for the times I rented places while on college, I have always lived with family. First my parents. Then my husband and children. Never just me and my husband.
I counted on this time in our marriage to be just the two of us. And what to I end up with. First, Adult children who should be out on their own still home. At least when they want to be.
Second an absent husband. Instead of having our time. He is working away and became so disenchanted with our so called life that he built a dual one of his own.
I don’t want to be alone!!!! I earned my time to have my husband all to myself. It has been denied me.
Tonight I am pissed. I want my life my way for a change. Why the hell can’t anybody cooperate with me.
I have no one to talk to about this. So I blog. I tell strangers. It helps and I love the feedback. But it isn’t the same as having a person physically here to just be with.
A good friend. MY HUSBAND.
I am so sick of it all!!!!