Separation

There are times when I feel like an inconvenience to the husband.
More often than not he seems happy to be away. Doing his own thing.
I hate it.

I want a relationship. He doesn’t seem to.
I want connection. I think he would be happy not to speak to me for days.
I want love. He wants peace.

I wish I could not answer his calls or not call him for awhile. I just don’t seem to be able to do that. Maybe if I could he would know what he is missing and really miss me. Maybe.
Or maybe he would find the peace he so desires and be happy without me.
I wish I could take the risk.

Advertisements

About aloneagain3

I am a wife and mother of 5 grown children... and 3 grandchildren.. I have been married for 29 years... I thought I did ok at life... turns out i sucked at it... but I am getting better!! View all posts by aloneagain3

47 responses to “Separation

  • Relationship columnist♥

    I’m sure that your hubby misses you more than you think. Maybe he just doesn’t know how to show love? Maybe he’s afraid to share his feelings? Maybe he’s just scared?
    I hope the best for you, dear.

  • Still Loving Him

    Instead of calling him or texting him when your better judgement tells you not to get online and read a blog or write a post instead. Stay strong.

    • aloneagain3

      I may have to try that.
      I am so needy with him sometimes. I know he hates that but I still do it. he hangs up on me and I really hate that so I call and call and text till he answers with a droning tone in his voice saying whaat??
      I read where you said your picture should be next to the codependent wife listing in the dictionary. No that is where I belong… no my husband does not abuse substances… he has been a workaholic in the past. but he is manipulative and controlling. even if he doesn’t realize he is.
      probably the best thing for me to do is leave him or formally separate (marriage wise) but I am not going to do that as of yet. frankly I am tired of being told I should. I still want my marriage to work. I still love my husband, although I don’t feel that as strongly as I used to.
      I think that being a stronger person will do wonders for our relationship. i am working on being more assertive and standing up for myself more. it takes time. and no matter what happens with my marriage I will be a better person in the long run.
      i am weary which weakens me and when I am weak I look to my husband… he really doesn’t want that burden even though I have always felt that to be part of a spouses job. so here I am trying to stay strong or gain strength as you say. Your comments and posts help. thanks aloneagain3

  • chris9911

    oh no…is he the one that would be interested in talking about whatever topic?

    • aloneagain3

      yes he is… he is very intelligent and I have always believed that consulting is the way he sould go. he has issues. but mostly you will like him.

      • chris9911

        You seem to be a very loyal wife and I respect that very much. I am curious about few things: When you guys argue about things, does he shut you down almost at will, because he can, and he wins almost every arguement against you? does he roll his eyes alot and he sighs alot when around you? Does he tell you that you are the source of his stress?

      • aloneagain3

        he does a great deal of that. I am one of the causes of his stress and our adult children.. I usually get the blame for all that is wrong, something I have let happen for way too long.
        since we are living apart right now our fights are usually over the phone and always end with him hanging up on me, and me calling and texting him in a “frenzy” as he calls it.
        I am now interested in what your thoughts are now.

      • chris9911

        well…you definitely read my about page correctly. Let me think about this little longer and get back to you.

      • aloneagain3

        I am waiting for your thoughts…

      • chris9911

        Sorry about the late response, been really busy with work. Looks like your situation went about 1 or 2 steps further than where mine reached. Things did get bad between me and my wife because she was giving me too much stress and was crying a lot. I would get the constant nagging, complain, and all the “you don’t love me anymore”…etc. For some reason every time she mentioned the word ‘love’, it would drive me insane and didn’t want to have anything to do with her. I guess men like me don’t do well with emotional women and would rather sneak away from it rather than facing it. All the sobbing and tears eventually annoyed me enough to take my stuff and move out to the opposite corner of our house. I felt sorry for her but I felt pretty good to get away. I lived like this for about 3months and it was a wonderful feeling once I closed my bedroom door; it was all peace, comfort, and silence. We tried our best to hide all this from our kids, but you know you can only hide so much. I think the next stage would have resulted in me moving out, which is where you are at?
        So one evening around midnight, while I was up working, she barged into my bedroom. I still remember seeing her face all puffy from crying and I felt bad for her because nobody deserves to be in that kind of misery. She did something very unusual, she DEMANDED that I come back to the master bedroom, because I am her husband and she is my wife. I wasn’t feeling angry and had no desire to be confrontational with her, probably because I was so relaxed, but most importantly she didn’t mention the word ‘love’. I didn’t say anything; I simply picked up my pillow and went into the master bedroom with her. I rolled into my edge of the bed and did some serious thinking that night. Here were things that were going through in my head.
        1. I hope she doesn’t cry
        2. I hope she doesn’t mention any word of ‘love’
        3. I hope she doesn’t talk to me
        4. I hope she doesn’t touch me
        5. Why am I still married to this person when she is unreliable, breaks everything she touches, makes bad decisions, doesn’t do anything right, and creates more work for me?
        6. Why would this person still want to be with me, is she crazy?
        7. I guess we are still husband and wife…

        I’ll finish up later…gotta gown up and run some tests..brb

      • chris9911

        Lot of those questions made me think about myself and my priorities. While I do try to live by strict rules w/ minimal errors, I will occasionally mess up. I thought about my biggest F’up of all, when I lost close to $1mil in day trading, $1mil that I didn’t have. It was the only time I ever contemplated suicide, but more importantly, it was the first time I ever wanted to write a love letter to my wife.

        Gotta run off again.

      • chris9911

        Sooo…I thought about the content of the love letter and I couldn’t believe she still stuck with me after I lost EVERYTHING and then some. Per my own standard, I was a STFU, dumbass, & a loser, I should have ended my life because I was too stupid for life and I didn’t deserve to live; but my wife still stood by me.
        Why was I so mean to my wife and why do I belittle her and make her feel so useless? Then it dawned on me, this is how I treat my subordinates and coworkers. I was treating my wife like an employee of a company.
        I realized what a shitty person I was, and this poor helpless woman…was a punching bag, because she couldn’t defend herself from my verbal assaults. She should have left me a long time ago when I told her to, but she refused to give up on the relationship.
        There was a lot of reprogramming going on in my brain that night. Loyalty has always been my most important criteria in life, but for some reason my wife wasn’t on the list. How could somebody that’s been through so much of my b.s. still stick around and not even be on the list? Needless to say, she was immediately placed in the #1 slot.
        I woke up the next morning as a new man. There were bunch of action items and adjustments that I made. I stopped seeing my wife as an employee/coworker and I started seeing her as my #1 loyal fan in the world. If I lose her trust, I’m better off dead.

        And there you have it.

      • aloneagain3

        I often feel like an employee of my husband.
        And a slave to my children.
        And a nobody everywhere else.

        One thing that sounds very different Is the presence of another women.
        Her existence makes my desperation heightened. Which makes my husband less attracted to me.

        We are not separated by choice. He got a job (again) that is far away. It may be a temporary job it may not. That is why I’m not with him yet.
        I do think he enjoys, to a certain extent, being by himself.

        I’m very fearful that my thirty year marriage is close to an end.

        I’m a mess in a dress.

        I would like to hear more thoughts from your point of view.

        Thanks

      • chris9911

        Yeah, the other woman can definitely be trouble because she is keeping him occupied and preventing him from thinking about his priorities. Just so I know what you are up against, what are the stats of the other woman? I’m guessing much younger & prettier?

      • aloneagain3

        Ten years younger
        Used to make ten times more money. ( a big deal for my husband) Now she is out of work.
        Not really prettier. Just ordinary.
        I’ll be catty now, if I may. Although they are all grown now. My husband and I had beautiful children. Her children are not in the least bit cute!!
        She is much more intelligent than I am. Chemical engineer. Valedictorian of her high school. Blah blah blah.
        However I just finished my college degree (had six classes to take after a 29 year break) with a 4.0 average.
        I used to think she had lower self esteem than me because she chooses to remain in the relationship with my husband. Who has made it clear that he isn’t going to leave me. Now I realize she is just a woman with bad character who knew what she signed up for the minute she started a relationship with a married man. If that were not true she would end it.

      • chris9911

        I think the new girl is only a temporary “relief” for him until he finds a better one. You just have to figure out how to convince him that YOU are the best one. I don’t dissect too much into relationships, it either works or it doesn’t. The new girl will not work out, I’m almost certain of it. But you, on the other hand, have long history of working out with your husband. We call call it historical data, and its one of the best form of indictator for how something will perform for the future.
        I think you have a lot going for yourself and you can certainly put up a good “fight” to win him back. But first, how do I know I’m not assisting a psychopath spouse?

      • aloneagain3

        Well my official diagnosis is major depressive disorder. Lol. My counselor tells me I react appropriately to what happens to me. He also says I need to take care of me and stand up for myself.
        So I don’t believe I am a psychopath. I just don’t give up on what I feel is important. And my marriage is important.

        I actually had a bad day today. All I managed to do was get up and go to work. I almost called off. Just felt depressed. Then at work I was told that a student was very unhappy with the class I taught last night and wanted a refund. Some days I would just accept that as it was. Today not so much. My husband was encouraging to me when I talked to him on my break.

        As for the girlfriend being temporary. Three years? Is that temporary? Like I said he says he is not going to leave me. I believe that. He also tells me he will never stop talking to her. As far as I know they don’t see each other at all but they talk a lot.
        It might actually be time for me to give up I don’t know. I do know that is easier said than done.

      • chris9911

        hahaha, I was kidding about the psychopath, you seem like such a wonderful person.
        Sorry to hear about your bad day. Try not to be bothered by some annoying student, it is what it is and you did the best you can under the current circumstances.
        I guess its good that your husband is being a friend to you. Its an odd situatioin and I don’t know if its helping you or hurting you.
        I’m thinking his relationship would be temporary because I’m sure the girl would eventually settle down with a full time husband.

      • aloneagain3

        I was planning to go surprise my husband this weekend but I’m not going for various reasons.
        My questions is should I tell him how anxious I am that I will come to surprise him and find that he is gone to meet her somewhere for the weekend. Or not.

      • chris9911

        I think you should change your strategy. Make him want you instead of looking somewhat desperate. All those calls and texts probably are not helping either 😦
        Maybe think in terms of ‘thrill of the hunt’? Since you did just earn a degree and there is a chance you might be single again, maybe reinvent yourself to something you always wanted to be? what do you think? 🙂

      • aloneagain3

        I have tried to do that from time to time but I’m not that good at it.
        as for reinventing myself… I have been working on that too.
        I seem to have a great deal of obsiticals I let get in my way. out of obligation and codepencency I guess. I am a work in progress.

      • chris9911

        As long as you are trying, you’ll get there. Nobody is an expert the first time around 🙂
        One of the things that I did when I “woke” up was, get my wife involved in part of my business and she was put charge of that roll. Another thing we did was join a team sport like volleyball.
        Can you start a business venture together? join a team activity? how about setting up a weekly “meeting”. Maybe you can play part of his realm while you gather your strategy.

      • aloneagain3

        It is kind of hard with him five hours away. He said he is going to email you about beginning a consulting business Which I have encouraged him to do. (both the business and emailing you) I know he would do well consulting.
        We used to do things like choir together. But we stopped when he began his downward spiral after his dad died.
        I’m not sure if we would be able together. Although we do well when we wash dishes together.

      • chris9911

        awe. the dishwasher part is pretty sweet. 5hours is pretty rough, I did not know that, and heaven forbid if one of you got into a car accident during the trip.
        I think you need to enter ‘single and available’ mode now. Why don’t you go out and meet someone interesting? or join a dating service? doesn’t have to be anything physical, but just something to keep your mind full of hope. Its Friday night and I’m sure there is lucky fella somewhere that will get your mind off all this nuisance. You had a rough week, try to go have some fun and don’t torture yourself anymore over your husband.
        Also, I don’t think your husband need to contact me for anything. Sounds like he knows what he is doing with his life. He is picking high income earner 10yr younger woman over 20+yrs of memories and trust…that kinda sums it up, don’t you think?

      • aloneagain3

        See that’s just it He isn’t picking her over me. He wants me to be his wife but he still wants her in his life as well. Five hours from me means seven hours from her. He is only away for work. If he could find work here he would.
        It is up in the air how long this job will last.
        He is setting up a new data base system for them now. And has other projects to help them do better business.
        There are times when I think you are right and I should be building a life for just me.
        It is complicated and yet it is simple.
        Right now my main focus is to try and do what I want and not what others dictate. Not an easy thing for a people pleaser.
        And if my husband emails you it will be for the sole purpose of learning some of the things you did to start consulting.
        Thanks for letting me talk things out with you! 😊

      • chris9911

        wow, that is pretty complicated.

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    Men are “hunters” by nature. Your husband needs to PURSUE YOU! Constant texts and calls will drive him further away.

    • aloneagain3

      I have been doing better in that area this week. It is difficult though because he is my best friend and I rely on him for so much. I did just read something I wrote in a hand written book of thoughts and art work that I keep, Pointing out to myself how much he relies on me as well. I have to give him space to realize that though.
      It is very hard though since he has her in his life to call and talk to as well.

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    PLEASE read “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. You’re WORTH your husband’s RESPECT & LOVE, but you can’t FORCE it!

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    Today I’m on a SLOW phone that lets me post only a few words at a time, so my following comment may take a few posts…

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    (No need to respond to my following comment.) It’s just something I want to share with you…

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    “Younger & Prettier” are overrated. Princess Di was FAR younger & prettier than Camilla. Prince Charles wanted Camilla.

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    Di was VERY insecure (understandably; her husband was a WS). Camilla (the OW) was/is VERY confident. Charles adores her.

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    Self-assuredness is attractive; neediness is not. (I’m STILL learning this, and I’m 53 years old!)

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    Please read “A request” (1/3/13) by Fulfilled Entrepreneur (AKA ishappinesspossible) on his WordPress blog.

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    Read his comment to his post that says, “…When my wife forgave easily…my behavior did not change…”

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    And continues, “…In my eyes she looks…very unlike a victim [now], and all the more attractive for it….”

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    And concludes with, “Show me a man that doesn’t find a confident woman alluring.”

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    Also, please read “Debunking the myths of infidelity: revisited” (12/29/12) by Rescuing My Marriage.

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    Of course, everybody’s experiences differ, but You & I can both learn something from those two posts.

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    Looks like You and I could both use some self-esteem “elixer” right about now! 😀

    (I’m signing off now. Take care.)

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    *elixir (Sorry)

    🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: