Monthly Archives: March 2013

More proof of what a moron I am.

Somehow I felt it brewing. I knew that the husband and I were going to end up fighting. I didn’t want to but I wasn’t sure I would be able to stop it.
He gave me back his passwords the other day. I looked at his FB once really just to see if I written the password correctly. Well first I tried to log into his email. It didn’t work because of a typing error on my part. So last night I decided to see if the email would open It did. So I looked to see if a email I sent him from a website got there. Actually I sent two and only one got there. I then looked at his sent mail. That’s Is what sparked the fight. He sent HER a copy of the budget he put together for US. I was and am so angry that he did that. I guess it was to show her why he is so angry all the time. Bullshit.
I started out calm. And asked why he did that. He had no right. Of course his reaction was all about how I “snooped” and he should not have given me the password. He did finally agree that he was wrong to send it to her (although he probably doesn’t believe it)
I said we’ll what did she say when she saw it. Her answer was she never saw anything like it. I said of course she hasn’t. She didn’t grow up with lower income families. She hasn’t had as many periods of unemployment like we have. Starting salary for her profession is more than double what it is for the husbands.
When will I finally get that his loyalties lie with her. The privileged bitch who takes what she wants cause she has always gotten it. The only bad thing that ever happened to her was having a mentally disturbed husband.
Who my husband helped and gave her strength to leave.
God help me.

Let no good deed….

If the picture actually posted it is my oldest daughters birthday cake for the big party she is having that she had decided not to have. And then decided to have it. She hates the cake. I actually hate the cake too.
I have always made cakes for my families birthdays ALWAYS.
This year I told them I was going to buy them. Then this party came up and it is a milestone birthday. At first I was going to get the cake decorating instructor to make it. But she was going out of town. So I made the cake. Of course she couldn’t let me just do it. She had to help. She wants things the way SHE wants them. A good example of let no good deed go unpunished
I need a drink.


I’m stuck

Stuck in this place that only I can get myself out of. It is a place of inactivity.

I tell myself “get up get something done.” So I get up. Then I have to pee. I walk down the stairs to the bathroom, pee, think “I should get a shower”. But instead I walk back up to my attic hideaway bedroom. When I get there I feel tired. I sit on my bed and tell myself “get dressed. Throw your dirty hair in a pony tail. DO SOMETHING!!!”
Sometimes I actually do get dressed. Sometimes not. But the end result is the same. I lay back down. With an inactive body, yet an active mind. Till relief comes and I fall asleep again. Although sometimes my mind stays active and I Dream.
This morning I dreamt that I was at my fathers funeral ( logical since he died 20 years ago today) but my mother was at the funeral. She has been dead for 23 years.
I didn’t finish the dream. My daughter interrupted it when she came home and wanted to talk.
I have a counseling appointment today. I don’t want to go. I will. But I don’t want to. I think I will talk to him about little things to help me rather than the big moves like separating or divorcing

On that note. I’m getting in the shower.

A quote

“It’s no use going back to yesterday. I was a different person then.”
Alice in wonderland

What a girl wants

Some one told me to think about one thing I want. That would make me happy.
Well I don’t usually know what that one thing would be at any given moment.

But I do right now.

At this moment the thing that would make me happy would be some really great sex.
Yup I want to get fucked!!!
I want my partner to be totally focused on me and making sure I was completely satisfied.

Not going to happen but it is a nice thought!

One shinning spot.

The 26 almost 27 year old moved out of town today.
Bittersweet for me. I am so happy for the opportunity he has taken advantage of to move into an area where he can advance in his career. He will do well. I am proud of him
I am sad I won’t get to see him as much. He didn’t live with me. And is quite self sufficient for the most part. It was nice when he came over and spent time with me. It was nice when he did little jobs to help me out.
At least he is only two hours away. Close enough to go for a visit just for the day or the weekend. And close enough for him to get home once in a while too.
He is my shinning spot in this crazy life I live. At least he is now!

The truth about who I am

I have decided to accept what I am and what I have always been.
A lazy piece of shit who doesn’t want to work.
I always have been and I always will be.

I am too lazy to change.

My laziness is why I don’t blog On a regular basis.

Even when I want to change I don’t. So I guess I really and truly don’t want to.

Because of my laziness I don’t deserve anything other than what I got.

You reap what you sow.