today was a better day. 

although I am beginning to wonder if I am just numb and not really caring anymore.  

The husband and I have been talking about the bills and what needs to be paid and how we don’t have enough money, (my handling of the finances was his “unmet” need that led him to an affair)  (bullshit by the way)   Yes I have done a piss poor job at handling the money.  I have been afraid to talk to him about it forever because his reaction is always so drastic and dramatic and makes me feel like I am stupid.  but there were other ways to deal with this issue than him having an affair.  I wonder how am I supposed to try so hard at making his issue with me better when he refuses to stop his relationship with Her?  

we are behind on many bills.  not exceedingly behind and I would have worked to get them paid earlier in the month had it not been for my health issues.  

we have made arrangements to settle on a loan and to settle on a credit card debt.  which we really don’t have the money to do.  

He is so angry with me for not getting a better job.  He feels all of this is me not caring about him.  but this affects me negatively as well.  His affair has a bigger negative affect on me than it does on him.  all though it really isn’t making him happy.  How am I supposed to get a better job when I feel defeated, useless, and not good enough.  

I was doing so much better with these feelings about myself, but the last few months with him away have been hard on me.  

ugh.  I am praying for a miracle.        


About aloneagain3

I am a wife and mother of 5 grown children... and 3 grandchildren.. I have been married for 29 years... I thought I did ok at life... turns out i sucked at it... but I am getting better!! View all posts by aloneagain3

6 responses to “ugh

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    aloneagain3, you mentioned a couple of months ago that you have hopes of you and your husband resuming couples counseling. I feel this is not only a GOOD idea, IT IS CRUCIAL THAT YOU FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THOSE PLANS!

    Your husband’s selfish and irrational anger with you COULD actually be anger at himself. In any event, your marriage is very dysfunctional, as you are quite aware. As usual, YOU (the wife) are assuming the vast majority of the blame for EVERYTHING that goes wrong in your marriage. I wish I could “drill” into your head the fact that YOUR HUSBAND AND CHILDREN SEE YOU THE WAY YOU SEE YOURSELF! If you continue to see yourself as a failure, they’ll continue to see you as a failure. If you continue to see yourself as a screw up, they’ll continue to see you as a screwup.

    You are NOT a lazy or unmotivated person, aloneagain3! You wear MANY hats: running your household BY YOURSELF; doing the marketing and cooking; doing the housecleaning and laundry; managing the finances; taking care of grown children who should have long ago been out of your house and on their own; taking care of a young grandson; and taking care of a husband WHO DOESN’T HAVE TO WORK OUT OF TOWN IF HE DIDN’T WANT TO! It’s not as if he has a $100,000/yr career. While he wants YOU to get a better job, HE continues to work away from his marriage and home for not very much money (per your 01/27/13 “120.00 bucks” post). I BELIEVE HE’S USING WORKING OUT OF TOWN AS AN EXCUSE TO AVOID BEING PRESENT IN YOUR HOME AND PUTTING IN THE WORK TO REPAIR YOUR MARRIAGE!

    Again, you two MUST get couples therapy before your marriage reaches the point of no return—affair or no affair. Remember, you MUST get a counselor/therapist who specializes in Affair Recovery, because not all counselors/therapists do. Additionally, please bear in mind that counselors/therapists are like shoes: sometimes you have to try on a few before you make your final selection.

    And, PLEASE, finish reading that book, ‘Codependent No More’ by Melody Beattie. You have had many months to have completed the book.

    Set a goal for yourself to finish reading the book by next Monday, March 25th. You CAN do it, aloneagain3, IF you make up your mind to do it!

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    Okay, aloneagain3. 🙂 Remember, I’m rooting for you! 😀

    I want to share with you one of my favorite quotes (I don’t know who the author is):

    “Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

  • userdand

    Are you reading the book? You have until Monday. Forget the “trying” nonsense. If you truly want to get well and stop playing the victim card, start doing the heavy lifting. Get to reading the book. If you have been praying to God to help you, consider that He sent you 1981 and a book to read, and not necessarily what you thought he shuold send. Don’t ignore the fact that a prayer may have been answered because it is not the answer you expected or desired. Only you can make the change in you. You surely know that by now. Get off the I don’t know what to do wagon and start doing. You have let this control your life long enough and the lives of those around you. I haven’t read all the posts but my hunch is he had a living arrangement in the other towns. He may even have other children. Take care of YOU first, then the marriage if you still want to. Until you are healthy for you and your children, there is nothing else to work on.

  • userdand

    A little piece of advice on the credit issue. Get the creditors to issue you a letter that exactly describes the elements of the settlements. They can and will lie to you over the phone. They will tell you your record will show paid-in-full. It will not. It will say something to the effect of settled for less than the full amount. If you have nothing on paper and no record they can deny the settlement agreement and keep trying to collect the rest.You need to get a letter from them releasing you from the remainder of the debt beyond the settlement. And yes, it will affect your credit record worse than slow pays but sometimes it is the only option.

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