Stuck in this place that only I can get myself out of. It is a place of inactivity.
I tell myself “get up get something done.” So I get up. Then I have to pee. I walk down the stairs to the bathroom, pee, think “I should get a shower”. But instead I walk back up to my attic hideaway bedroom. When I get there I feel tired. I sit on my bed and tell myself “get dressed. Throw your dirty hair in a pony tail. DO SOMETHING!!!”
Sometimes I actually do get dressed. Sometimes not. But the end result is the same. I lay back down. With an inactive body, yet an active mind. Till relief comes and I fall asleep again. Although sometimes my mind stays active and I Dream.
This morning I dreamt that I was at my fathers funeral ( logical since he died 20 years ago today) but my mother was at the funeral. She has been dead for 23 years.
I didn’t finish the dream. My daughter interrupted it when she came home and wanted to talk.
I have a counseling appointment today. I don’t want to go. I will. But I don’t want to. I think I will talk to him about little things to help me rather than the big moves like separating or divorcing
On that note. I’m getting in the shower.