Monthly Archives: April 2013

Wasted day

I wasted the day again. I had a plan to get things done. But I didn’t I slept instead. I do not feel particularly depressed today. However when I look at the mess my bedroom/ workspace/ attic is in I just can’t seem to begin. Ugh. The wether is perfect for working inside. But I didn’t.
Soon my grandson will be home ( it’s his mothers late night at school ). We are going to take a walk. My extra daughter. And her daughter are walking with us. That might be all I get done today. And that is not ok! What is my problem! I don’t want to live in such a messy house. So why am I? Especially when I do not feel depressed!!! I need a kick in the ass. Although I would rebel against that if someone did it. Errrrrrrrr!!!! I’m angry with myself!!!!
I’m gonna fold a load of clothes. At least!


What it takes.

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I thought I had found that in my husband. We talked about it many times. Turns out he didn’t have what it takes.


Speculation

I was out for a drink with the 22 year old. Her boyfriend is a bar tender at a local restaurant. While there a group of men came in. Five of them two had wedding rings on although I suspect they were all married. Soon a woman came in and joined them. It didn’t appear as if she were married to any of them. She was wearing a wedding ring too. Of course my jaded mind thought she was there looking for a husband to steel or lead astray.
She could have been one of their wives. She might not have had any intentions other than to have a drink. But that isn’t where my mind went.
My innocence is gone. Or was it simply naivety? Or have I become a bitch who trusts no one, especially another woman?


What I talk about with my grown daughters

I was talking to my girls today about how I was raised a white American princess. Except we didn’t have money. It was kind of a mind set. I don’t think my mother intended to raise me that way but that was the outcome.
One of the aspects of being said princess is that the men in our lives are supposed to take care of us and basically worship us. ( not the kind of man I married. Obviously.) And we need to have such men in our lives.
To which my daughters replied
The 22 year old: I don’t need a man except to string along for sex. Sorry mom but you raised whores.
The 30 year old: I’m not a whore… Any more. I’m a recovering whore.

It was funny. At least at the time.

Those things being said. I did not raise them to be whores ( in this case meaning sexually promiscuous ) I actually advocated waiting for sex till marriage. They didn’t listen. Surprise surprise. I’ll blame it on the media. Yeah that sounds good.


To all my fellow betrayed wives.

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This is mild really. But I would like to do this too all the cheating douchbags we are married to.
As for the heartless bitches who still fucked our husbands when they knew they had wives at home… Well I am way to nice to say what they deserve.


Questions

Is this depression or laziness?

Am I unable to function or unwilling?

Am I unable to care or am I selfish?

It all looks the same no matter what the truth.


Hopeless failure

Here’s the thing about me. The things I am good at in life have not great or lasting value. They have let me down. I’m not good at the every day tasks one needs to attend to. I have never been organized or able to get my bills paid on time even when I had the money to lay them. I have never been a good house keeper. My home looks much more than lived in most of the time. It usually looks like a disaster area in need of hazmat crews to clean it. Once I had a cleaning service come in to give me a quote on cleaning my kitchen. She said it would be hundreds of dollars because of the state it was in. I guess cleaning services are for tidy people who don’t want to dust and run the vacuum. The condition of the house is probably the worst it has ever been.
I look at the job listings for the area in which I have interest and I do not have a specific enough degree. My resume lists all the things I did as. Stay at home mom who was involved I. My kids school and extracurricular activities. It all amounts to fluff.
Nothing I can earn a living doing. I remain an unqualified middle aged woman with a husband who finds her lacking In Almost every area. My children love me but don’t respect me. Why would they there is nothing respectable about me.
I feel obligated to every one and everything yet I k ow I will never be good enough to meet those obligations
I’m sitting in my dinning room looking at the beautiful red walls and the gray ceiling and the gorgeous crown molding. None of which would be here if it wasn’t for my talented intelligent husband. Then I look at the rest of the room. Clutter and mess everywhere. I have an awesome kitchen. Even though it is small due to the era of the house. It is nearly unable to function because the counter is covered with stuff. There is not one room in this house that I am not embarrassed by it’s condition I am a failure. I can’t even do what I am good at because of my failure. What the hell happened to me to make me turn out like this. Why couldn’t I turn out like a normal human being. It’s seems too late now. Change is out of reach. all is hopeless.