Anxious

Very anxious today. Can’t pinpoint a reason. I need my husband when I feel like this. And that is a problem for many reasons
1. He is five hours away
2. He isn’t all that sympathetic my anxieties
3. I need to learn to deal with it on my own

So I am here at home not telling him And dealing on my own.

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About aloneagain3

I am a wife and mother of 5 grown children... and 3 grandchildren.. I have been married for 29 years... I thought I did ok at life... turns out i sucked at it... but I am getting better!! View all posts by aloneagain3

7 responses to “Anxious

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    AA3, I’m forwarding this to all my cyberfriends, and you of course are one of them! {{{Hugs}}} 🙂 1981

    “The following is from Anne and Brian Bercht, founders of Beyond Affairs Network (BAN). Anne is the author of “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me” (PLEASE DON’T MISJUDGE THAT BOOK’S TITLE! WHEN YOU READ THE BOOK YOU’LL SEE THAT THE TITLE IS SOMEWHAT OF A “TEASER” AND THAT ANNE BERCHT IS A VERY RECOGNIZED AND QUALIFIED COUNSELOR AND FORMER BETRAYED SPOUSE.) Her article (below) concerns the MISINFORMATION in the entire world (INCLUDING therapists) pertaining to Betrayed Spouses and Wayward Spouses. I’m sharing this with everyone I “know.” Rescuing My Marriage (a former mental health therapist) works regularly with Anne and Brian Bercht and highly recommends their programs.” from 1981

    THE FOLLOWING IS REPOSTED FROM huperecho.wordpress.com/2013/04/15/regrets-the-fine-line-between-contributing-to-marital-problems-and-causing-a-spouses-infidelity ” I thought this was a good read and it comes from a woman who has successfully healed from infidelity and is still with her husband today. You can read other articles at beyondaffairs.com ” from Marie (huperecho)

    Regrets – The Fine Line Between Contributing to Marital Problems and Causing a Spouse’s Infidelity (by Anne Bercht):

    A Reader’s Question to Anne Bercht: Dear Anne – I am noticing that I am entering a new stage of grief. I am struggling with finding the line between contributing to some of our marital problems, and causing his infidelity. My heart and brain say 2 different things. Can you explain this?

    Anne Bercht’s Answer: The more I learn about extramarital affairs, the more amazed I am that society generally fails to see the elephant in the room when it comes to the cause of affairs.

    When you discover that your spouse has been unfaithful, most people ask themselves “What did I do wrong?” (The answer is nothing, but we can’t grasp that yet, neither can our friends, neither can our spouse, AND OFTENTIMES NEITHER CAN OUR THERAPIST.)

    The people in our lives help us blame ourselves. I don’t know how many times I was faced with a well-meaning friend asking, “Anne, I wonder what you did to cause Brian’s affair?” Then we ask our unfaithful spouse, “Why did you do this to me?” They are usually ready with a list of grievances of how unhappy they were and can readily tell us what we did to cause their affair.

    When you go as a couple to see a counselor or therapist (devastated and desperate for support, love, and empathy), you will usually be faced with this statement: “Let’s not talk about the affair. Let’s talk about what was wrong in the marriage to cause the affair?” The very premise of the question may lead you astray from finding the answer you need. OFTEN NOTHING WAS WRONG IN THE MARRIAGE TO CAUSE THE AFFAIR.

    Why do we not get it that even in happy marriages, especially long-term relationships, it can feel enticing when a 3rd party starts paying attention to us? Most unfaithful spouses are unaware of what’s happening at first. The beginnings are often very subtle.

    Of course since there are no perfect marriages and no perfect people, when we go looking for the “problem in the marriage,” or the problem with the faithful spouse, we can always find something to blame the affair on.

    One woman came to my BAN group after 30 years of marriage. She was a mess. Her husband had an affair every 5 years in their marriage, and every time he had an affair, they went for therapy and discovered what SHE did wrong to cause the infidelity. The first time it turned out it was because she didn’t keep the house clean enough and this really bothered her husband. So she became a better house cleaner, and they moved on believing they were healed. Ten years into the marriage it turned out she was a poor listener. So she became a really good listener, and that therapist affirmed them both that all was well. 15 years into the marriage it turned out she wasn’t having enough recreational companionship with her husband. So she began to play golf with him and they were supposedly healed. 20 years into the marriage it turned out that she was not adventurous enough in the bedroom, so she became a sex goddess, acquired an extensive lingerie collection, and got experimental. WHY ARE WE MISSING THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM HERE? HE is the problem! HE is the one who is engaging in the unacceptable behavior! HE is the one who keeps breaking his promises!

    By the time the last affair was discovered 30 years into the marriage, the wife was losing her mind (testament to her high level of sanity that she made it this far). She admitted herself to the psych ward at the hospital. When she finally realized that SHE WAS NOT THE PROBLEM, she was able to heal. Had the real core issues been addressed from the beginning BY THEIR THERAPISTS, this marriage may have been saved.

    The “I DON’T LOVE YOU – I LOVE YOU BUT I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU – I’VE NEVER LOVED YOU” lies that many Wayward Spouses say:
    One woman’s husband told her that in all the 35 years they had been married, he had never once loved her, not even when he asked her to marry her. Really? If this were true one could only conclude he was a total idiot. Why would you choose to marry someone, and choose to stay married to him or her for 35 years when you never once loved him or her? After all, it was not as if she’d taken a gun to his head, right down the aisle to the altar and said: Say “I do” or I’ll shoot. He CHOSE to marry her and he is responsible for his decision. I hear this line from most unfaithful spouses we work with: “I never loved my spouse.” ***IT SIMPLY ISN’T TRUE!*** Unfaithful spouses convince themselves of this to give them permission to have affair/s, because otherwise, they would think of themselves as a ‘bad’ person. “If I love my spouse and I have an affair anyway, then I must be a bad person,” they reason. In addition, their thinking gets distorted. THEY REWRITE THEIR MARITAL HISTORY IN THEIR MINDS. BAD MEMORIES BECOME BIGGER, AND THE GOOD MEMORIES AND THE LOVING FEELINGS THEY ONCE HAD ARE FORGOTTEN.

    The elephant in the room, which society is missing completely, is that just because you have a good marriage, does not mean you cannot be tempted by an affair.

    To every betrayed spouse: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AFFAIR

    To every unfaithful spouse: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR AFFAIR

    I am often asked when I appear on television talk shows, “Do you accept responsibility for your part in Brian’s affair?” I answer, “I didn’t have a part in Brian’s affair, and if I would’ve been given a part I would’ve voted ‘no, let’s not do it.’”
    When I stand before God to give an account for my life, one question God will not be asking me is “Anne, why did you make Brian have an affair?”

    I will, however, give an account for ways that I may have failed Brian in the marriage, but these things did not cause the affair. For every marriage where we discover problems where there has been an affair, I can point to other marriages with worse problems where there has not been an affair. PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE DOES NOT LEAD TO AFFAIRS. I’m appalled that I must state the obvious, but there are actually healthy ways to deal with problems in marriage!

    There are many marriages today with problems, and it is true that these marriages are more vulnerable to affairs than marriages that are happy. There are also many other factors that lead to affairs. These are the gaps. These are the things we bring forth by working in person with couples through our Healing From Affairs weekends. You can also have access to the cognitive part of this teaching and our assessment tool, which will help you determine the root causes of the affair in your marriage by listening to our Healing From Affairs DVD program.

    There is no time like the present (working through the devastation of an affair) to look at what could’ve been better in the marriage, but if we label these as the causes, we’re going to be missing significant factors that led to the affair. This thinking is the reason why there are so many repeat offenders. If you don’t find the real root, it’s going to happen again. If you over simplify the answer, you’re going to make some improvements, but be missing the big picture.

    Usually when the betrayed spouse asks the unfaithful spouse, “Why did you do this?” And the unfaithful spouse answers, “I don’t know.” THEY ARE TELLING THE TRUTH. THEY DON’T KNOW YET. YOU ARE GOING TO DISCOVER THIS TOGETHER.

    When we worked through our Healing from Affairs journey, of course I discovered things I did wrong in the marriage. Brian discovered things he did wrong in the marriag. We uncovered many behaviors of mine that had damaged and wounded my husband. We also uncovered many behaviors of my husband that had damaged and wounded me. We both made changes and it’s been wonderful to make and experience those changes.

    However…
    A defining moment for me came when Brian said, “Anne, I appreciate all the changes you’ve made since we’ve worked through the affair. Our marriage is so much better today, and I really value that. I’VE LEARNED, HOWEVER, THAT EVEN IF YOU’D BEEN THE PERFECT SPOUSE BEFORE MY AFFAIR, I STILL WOULD’VE HAD THE AFFAIR, BECAUSE MY AFFAIR HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, AND HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH MY SHORTCOMINGS AS A MAN.”

    This is the elephant in the room.

    If you are the betrayed spouse, and you are less than 6 months from the day of your discovery of the affair (d-day), please don’t push yourself to look at your contribution to problems in the marriage. It’s too painful. Do it when you’re ready. It’s so important that we separate marital issues from affair issues. They must remain 2 separate issues if the marriage is to be healed. If they are not kept separate, the betrayed spouse struggles for ongoing years with unhealthy obsessiveness, that goes something like this:

    Am I pretty enough? Are we having enough recreational companionship? Are we having enough sex? Enough sexual 10’s? Am I being a good enough mother? (or Am I being a good enough father – if the BS is a man)? Is the house clean enough? The list is endless, and living with this list, believing it’s directly connected to the possibility of your spouse having another affair, is like living with a ball and a chain around your leg. You may as well be in prison. No one can live this way. I’m all for spouses working towards meeting each others’ needs and being conscious and intentional about their marriages. I highly recommend it, but not when we attach, “And if you get it wrong on any given day, I might have an affair.” No one gets it perfect all the time. I need permission to fail sometimes and know that my spouse will seek a healthy way of dealing with his dissatisfaction, not that my failure to get it right is going to lead to the pain of betrayal.

    I hope this serves to clarify the fine line between taking responsibility for ways we may have failed our spouse VS. taking responsibility for the affair.

    Again, I emphasize:
    To every betrayed spouse: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE AFFAIR
    To every unfaithful spouse: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR AFFAIR

    Sincerely,
    Anne Bercht
    ©Copyright 2011 Anne and Brian Bercht. All rights reserved.

    • betrayalsurvivor1981

      Dear Cyberfriend,

      To clear up any ambiguities, I want to make it clear that the Anne Bercht article (above) is reposted from the blog of my friend Marie huperecho.wordpress.com/2013/04/15/regrets-the-fine-line-between-contributing-to-marital-problems-and-causing-a-spouses-infidelity

      The addition that I made is the first paragraph, “The following is from Anne and Brian Bercht, founders of Beyond Affairs Network (BAN)….and highly recommends their programs.” from 1981

      I’m careful to NOT take credit for someone else’s good deeds, and I’m WORKING ON (I haven’t gotten there yet) not taking the blame for someone else’s bad deeds. Marie’s blogging of Anne Bercht’s article is very much a good deed! As I’m not as blog-savvy as most of you, I don’t know how to “reblog”; therefore my reposting consists of “copy & paste” (old-fashioned word processing technique). 🙂 1981

      • aloneagain3

        Have not heard or seen much from you lately. You okay???

      • betrayalsurvivor1981

        Thanks for asking about me, aloneagain3. In fact, I have NOT been doing very well. I’ve frequently had suicidal ideations the past couple of months. I don’t know if you read Bubsy’s 4/6/13 post “32 Years Is A Long Time,” but she was referring to me, based on something VERY PAINFUL that I had revealed on her 4/4/13 “Forgiveness” post, at the advice of my therapist (reprinted below):

        betrayalsurvivor says
        April 4, 2013 at 9:24 pm:
        (Note: unless otherwise indicated, all references are in “Comments” sections of the designated posts in the following comment)
        Tuesday, 7/3/12, I rec’d a call from my oldest son’s W, who was crying so hard I could barely understand her. When I was able to make out the words, “D had an affair!” my first reaction was stunned silence. My stomach knotted up. I couldn’t believe it! This wasn’t happening, not with THAT PARTICULAR son. THIS COULD NOT BE HAPPENING! My second son—the rebel—who married as a teen, messed up during the very early days of his marriage (which is now in its 15th year!). He was 18 going on 8, and his future W was 17 going on 27 when they met in 1998—(1981′s 2/10/13 comments to Mr B’s 2/9/13 “my parents’ reaction” post). He’s now an upstanding, responsible and loving husband and father, largely because of his wonderful, amazingly emotionally strong, W. (I’ve been blessed w/two of the most magnificent daughters-in-law alive! I adore them, and both of them have told me that they can talk to me about things neither one of them feels comfortable talking about to their own mothers.) But, my oldest son? Only one year older than his brother, D had ALWAYS been the responsible one—no rebellion whatsoever, with the one exception of a “meltdown” when he was 13, and that was MY fault—(1981’s 2/22 comments to Mr B’s 2/20 “Our kids” post). D had been a “good boy” as his father had been when his father was growing up—(1981′s 2/10 comments to Mr B’s 2/9 “my parents’ reaction” post). My mind just COULDN’T absorb the horror I had just been told by D’s W! My DIL was crushed beyond words, as her entire world had crashed down upon her (which Mr B described in vivid detail about Mrs B in his 2/24 “The impact of my affair on my wife” post).
        Although my H knew I was upset, there’s no way he could’ve grasped the full extent of it, because I WAS LOADED FOR BEAR!!! Married to me since 1999 (when my three children were adults) my H, a 70-year-old widower, is 16 yrs my senior, retired, VERY secure in himself, and even more private than I am (and I’m over-the-top private! That’s why I love the blogosphere; I can share and receive info from all of you very good people, without having to meet anyone in the flesh. I’m more comfortable that way.)—(1981′s 3/22 comments to whinywife’s 3/22 “My apologies” post). One of the reasons why I didn’t remarry until 1999 (xH left in 1981) was because I WASN’T going to marry another man who did not possess the characteristics of the man I idolized—my father ( who passed in ’95). I figured if I was going to “do bad,” I could “do bad by myself” (that’s ‘hood talk for, “I can struggle to make it by myself; I don’t need a deadbeat anchor pulling me down further as I struggle”). My H isn’t threatened by the fact that xH and I share children & grandchildren, and that we must see (and be civil to) each other at our kids’/grandkids’ major events (this bloodline is never going to disappear), and I’m not threatened by my H’s devoted memories of his deceased W of 32 years, who was a spectacular woman according to my H. He has two adorable daughters who’re in their 40s, and I respect him MORE because he still loves the memory of his beloved W! Although it greatly concerns my H about my health, he’s understanding and supportive of me in my depressive episodes, as well as my manic periods (I have “bipolar II,” formerly known as “manic-depressive” illness). As with everything in life, there is always a trade-off: we’re not “passionate teenagers in love” (like I and my xH were), but we have a mature and “settled” kind of love for each other. He is in extremely good health (he was an athlete in high school and college, and he always took excellent care of himself), and our sex life is very satisfying. My H knows I blog—and that since last summer I’ve been OBSESSED with affair blogs— but he’s given me his blessing because of the heartbreaking reason behind it. The only thing he asked of me is that he RARELY be a subject of my blogging. Respect for his wishes is an important reason why I haven’t talked about my H before now (and I rec’d his permission to blog about him in detail this ONE time only). But the PRIMARY reason for my blogging on affair blogs is to connect with others who’ve been devastated by the crime of adultery.
        When I got off the phone with D’s W, I told my H that I was going to “The Windy City” (5 hours away in an adjoining state) IMMEDIATELY! We packed quickly, and he drove me to Chi-town. I cussed and cried all the way there! When I arrived, I couldn’t look at my son or even acknowledge his existence, because I was too enraged and my heart had absolutely exploded. My mind kept playing OVER & OVER AGAIN, like a tape recording: (This isn’t happening, not with THAT PARTICULAR son. THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING!). My consciousness was not ready to completely absorb the truth that Mr Straight Arrow himself, the Good Boy, the “Never Gave Me A Moment’s Trouble” kid, Mr Dependable, my Golden Boy, the one child of my three who was closest to my heart—had engaged in an affair! (Mind tape recording: This isn’t happening, not with THAT PARTICULAR son. THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING!) I COULDN’T fall apart at that time, however, because my DIL needed me. All three of my children had grown up knowing that if ANYTHING had a solution their mother was damned well going to find it; and my two DILs felt/feel the same way. I HAD to be strong for D’s W, because she was absolutely and understandably a total wreck! One of the primary coincidences that caught my eye in Mr B’s blog and my son’s affair is that D ALSO had a brief summer fling WITH AN OLD GIRLFRIEND from fucking high school, after a chance meeting at a theater play that she was acting in, having not seen each other for over 16 years!—(Mrs B’s 2/4 comments to Mr B’s 2/4 “The affair partner’s reaction” post) I told my beloved DIL that healing was going to take years, and that she and D would be rebuilding their marriage from the ground up, NOT repairing it, because a completely shattered glass vase, for example, cannot be repaired; it ends up being a glued-together mess with some smaller glass shards forever missing. SHATTERED was exactly what D’s affair had done to their marriage—(1981’s 2/14 comments to Mr B’s 2/13 “Valentine’s Day” post). I wracked my brain and remembered the Affair Recovery therapy (such that it was for that period in time) that I’d received in 1981, following xH’s departure and my subsequent suicide attempt and recovery—(1981′s 2/14 comments to Mr B’s 2/8 “Hysterical bonding” post). In my opinion, Chi-town has the best network of specialists and experts in EVERY field, in the Midwest, bar none! My H and I stayed there a week. By the time I left, I had set up both D and his W with IC appointments, and with MC with an Infidelity Specialist. I’d researched online, called the respective offices and asked some pointed questions, and then crossed my fingers and hoped that I’d secured the best counselors/therapists that money could buy—and D absolutely knew he was damned well going to pay for ALL of it, and he was going to shut the fuck up and DO IT! As I was leaving, D caught up with me before H and I got in our car, and said something that has haunted me ever since (and will probably haunt me for the rest of my life): “You know, Mama, it’s really lonely up on a pedestal. I wish I had been on the same level, in your heart, as L and R (his siblings).” Then he walked away with tears streaming down his face. My son was NOT blaming me—or his wife—for his affair. However, I had to admit (to myself) that he was right about the “pedestal,” as my father had said something similar to me when I was in my 20s (“Baby girl, I hope I NEVER disappoint you, because I believe if I ever fell off that pedestal you have me on, I’d NEVER regain your trust and respect.”) Needless to say, I cried all the way back home from Chi-town.
        Having NEVER blogged before—on ANY subject—in my entire life, I knew nothing about blogging when I returned home. I was still researching counselors/therapists in case the ones I booked for D and his W did not come up to the VERY high standards I had determined in my mind. During one of those relentless—obsessive—searches, I happened upon the “Rescuing My Marriage” blog. I was instantly intrigued and read the entire blog, up to the ending date at that time, in a single night, not going to bed at all (I was in manic phase). H learned a long time ago not to bother me when I’m obsessed AND manic! He keeps an eye open, however, because he knows it’ll only be a matter of time when I can’t get out of bed, having sunk into the abyss of depression overnight, and suicidal thoughts will soon take hold.—(an example of this: 1981’s 3/13 comments re suicidal ideations to Still Loving Him’s 3/12 “Why I’m a bitch” post). This was/is ESPECIALLY true in light of the utter destruction involving D and his W, caused by my son’s reprehensible actions. (Mind tape recording: This isn’t happening, not with THAT PARTICULAR son. THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING!). I began blogging in Fall 2012, continuing to read RMM as well as other blogs. When reading RMM’s 1/16/13 “Sometimes it all feels worthwhile” post, I noticed the FIRST comment (incorporated by RMM into the body of that particular blog post) that attracted me to Mr B’s blog (Mrs B didn’t have a blog at that time). Although many of the circumstances were different, of course (different lives, different circumstances), the comment struck a chord with me (and “hooked” me from that point on). The comment was from Bubsy (Mrs B):  Dear friend, I know you’re probably thinking ‘who is this woman calling me friend?’. I can reassure you that I am no crazed cyber stalker, just a woman who found out 4 months ago that her husband had an affair. I have spent hours in the interim period trawling the Internet trying to find answers to the questions that have plagued me since that day – September 25th 2012, the anniversary of my mother’s death coincidentally. I came upon your blog just a few days ago and read your recent one on deal breakers. After reading it I decided I needed to read the entire blog from the beginning to see what had happened to you. Firstly, I am so sorry that you’ve experienced such trauma. Secondly, I would like to thank you for your insight, your honesty, for sharing your pain, for your humour in times of great heartache, but mostly for giving me some perspective, some clarity and most of all some hope. I have learned more from you by reading every emotion that you have felt, I have felt every emotion for you and with you, than any of the books on healing after an affair has taught me. My husband is half way through reading your blog also and I have seen him in tears on many occasions – we both have. It’s allowing him to see things from my point of view without the tears and the anger that always come when we talk about it. There were many parallels between our experiences. I had my own disturbed stranger invading my world, sending me letters, making me look over my shoulder when hanging out the laundry. Then a so called ‘friend’ decided she would cause us more anguish and meddled in our marriage when we were already going through such heartache. She tried to split us up and created more bad feelings between us. I then found more indiscretions with regards to my husbands ‘other life’. A horrendous year culminated in the death of my father on New Year’s Eve. I was already grieving over the death of my marriage as I knew it, but now have to deal with the death of my father – as of today the funeral has not yet taken place. I have laughed with you, cried with you and sympathised with you. I know we don’t know each other but I just wanted to say thank you so much for all you have written here and that maybe calling you a friend over steps the mark but in the words of a kind, caring, compassionate woman “remember that there is always someone who cares about you and wants the best for you. I am one of them.” Stay strong xBubsy
        In the Comments section of the same post, both Bubsy and Mr B (under the moniker “Bubsy’s husband) BOTH commented. When I visited the blog, and saw that it was a dual-perspective blog (Mr B writing; Mrs B commenting to EVERY post)—VERY rare—I was impressed (1981’s 1/23 comments to Mr B’s 1/17 “The last three years” post). In moments of extreme sadness re D and his W (1981’s 3/10 comments to Bubsy’s 3/5 “A Letter to Still Loving Him” post; 1981’s 3/9 comments to Bubsy’s 3/6 “Megan, Kendra, Maria & Dawn” post; 1981’s 3/8 comments to Still Loving Him’s 3/7 “I’m doing okay” post; among others), blogging somewhat comforts me.
        I’m here to offer all the support needed to D’s W, but at this time, I still haven’t overcome my rage, disappointment, shame, heartbreak, and unforgiveness toward my FORMER Pride and Joy—D. Bubsy, thank you for your 4/4 comments to me (your 4/4 “Forgiveness” post). In 1988, when I took the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI), following a nearly-successful suicide attempt and subsequent hospitalization (NOT the 1981 attempt), it was determined that I take the blame for my children’s failures, but I do NOT take the credit for their accomplishments (UNINTENTIONAL self-flagellation). Therefore, the question, “WHERE DID I GO WRONG?” will most likely torment me for the remainder of my life.

        betrayalsurvivor1981 says
        April 6, 2013 at 6:46 am:
        I learned a/b my oldest child’s affair on 7/3/12. Started blogging in Fall 2012. Why, then, did I not blog a/b my son’s affair until 4/4/13? Why was it easiER (NOT easy) to talk a/b my abuse/abandonment by my xH (my children’s father & grandchildren’s grandfather) that occurred more than 30 yrs ago, but nearly impossible to talk about a horrific crime against marriage that happened less than a yr ago?
        It’s one thing to share w/cyberfriends decades-old actions that have been known throughout the years by all members of both my and my xH’s family & friends. It’s another thing, entirely, to reveal something absolutely devastating & shameful a/b MY SON! His affair is known by only a few people. In fact, my DIL STILL hasn’t told her own parents yet, & *I* was the FIRST person she called on DDay! (NOTE: I HAVEN’T asked my DIL to withhold this info from her family. In fact, I advised her that she’s depriving herself of crucial support by excluding her folks from knowledge of the affair, but my DIL has insisted that she’s not ready for them to know.) Even my two other children–my son’s brother & sister–don’t know yet, for heaven’s sake!
        I still feel sadness (& even anger) a/b the trauma w/my xH. He’s never expressed remorse for ANY of his actions back then; & my daughter is still angry w/me b/c of my suicide attempt following her father’s departure (b/c I was pregnant w/her at the time). THE MAJOR PROBLEM, HOWEVER, is that I’ve had more & more suicidal ideations in the past couple of months, getting dangerously close a few weeks ago to an actual attempt w/a razor blade–(1981’s 3/13 comments re suicidal ideations to Still Loving Him’s 3/12 “Why I’m a bitch” post).
        My therapist told me @ my appointment a wk ago that my increasing feelings of suicide are due to my shame, disappointment, & rage b/c of my SON’S AFFAIR! My therapist said that the shattering of my idealization of my son has disillusioned me, & he advised me that I needed to talk a/b this secret that’s been tearing me up inside. Knowing that I’m nowhere near ready to reveal something this horrible to people I actually know, my therapist–who’s aware that I blog–suggested I share this shameful secret w/my anonymous cyberfriends.
        With strong encouragement from my very patient H, I decided to act on my therapist’s advice. BUT REVEALING THIS FAMILY SCANDAL HAS NOT BEEN EASY AT ALL! My being angry at my son, and his W being angry w/him, is one thing. ANYONE ELSE being angry & disgusted w/my child is another thing entirely!
        It’s similar to a BW who’s incensed at her WH. SHE can “hate his guts,” but she sure as hell does NOT want anyone else badmouthing her man! How does anyone think a MOTHER feels about her own son or daughter?
        I hope my therapist is right & that this will help me to heal–so that I can become happier & a MUCH better wife & partner to my H; so I can continue to be strong for my DIL; & so I can work through my anger & move toward forgiving my son.

        1981

    • aloneagain3

      I am familiar with Anne My husband and I even listened in on a tella-seminar once. Nothing is going to help us till he decides to stop his lies and do what is necessary to heal our marriage.

      • betrayalsurvivor1981

        #1 From Bubsy to Aloneagain3 on April 25, 2013 at 5:14 pm:
        “I would never tell a wife to leave her husband, in fact if anything I would encourage them try to work things out. It does sound like a difficult situation for you though. Not sure what I would do if my H had had feelings for the AP. I guess I’m lucky in that way although I don’t feel especially lucky. How do you cope knowing you share your H with this woman?”
        #2 Reply from Aloneagain3 to Bubsy on April 25, 2013 at 6:36 pm:
        “Not very well. I’m totally depressed most of the time. I think later I will post about it. Even though I will run the risk of being bombarded with negative replies. Thank you for supporting me. I just want my husband back to who he used to be about four years ago.”

        3. From betrayalsurvivor1981 to aloneagain3:
        It does NOT matter whether or not you get “bombarded with negative replies” when you post. This is YOUR life, and nobody can decide for you how to live your life.

        Often, comments that SEEM negative are actually comments from people who CARE about you, aloneagain3! We (your readers) DON’T want to see you suffer. Please understand that just because a comment may appear to be negative, it’s probably coming from a goodhearted person trying to help you feel better (because you are also a VERY goodhearted person). We may not always express ourselves appropriately to you, or make you feel better at times, BUT WE ALL MEAN WELL.

        Please NEVER hesitate to post your feelings, aloneagain3. That is what the blogosphere is for, my friend.

        xoxo1981 🙂

      • aloneagain3

        Thanks 1981. Hang in there please!

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