Hopeless failure

Here’s the thing about me. The things I am good at in life have not great or lasting value. They have let me down. I’m not good at the every day tasks one needs to attend to. I have never been organized or able to get my bills paid on time even when I had the money to lay them. I have never been a good house keeper. My home looks much more than lived in most of the time. It usually looks like a disaster area in need of hazmat crews to clean it. Once I had a cleaning service come in to give me a quote on cleaning my kitchen. She said it would be hundreds of dollars because of the state it was in. I guess cleaning services are for tidy people who don’t want to dust and run the vacuum. The condition of the house is probably the worst it has ever been.
I look at the job listings for the area in which I have interest and I do not have a specific enough degree. My resume lists all the things I did as. Stay at home mom who was involved I. My kids school and extracurricular activities. It all amounts to fluff.
Nothing I can earn a living doing. I remain an unqualified middle aged woman with a husband who finds her lacking In Almost every area. My children love me but don’t respect me. Why would they there is nothing respectable about me.
I feel obligated to every one and everything yet I k ow I will never be good enough to meet those obligations
I’m sitting in my dinning room looking at the beautiful red walls and the gray ceiling and the gorgeous crown molding. None of which would be here if it wasn’t for my talented intelligent husband. Then I look at the rest of the room. Clutter and mess everywhere. I have an awesome kitchen. Even though it is small due to the era of the house. It is nearly unable to function because the counter is covered with stuff. There is not one room in this house that I am not embarrassed by it’s condition I am a failure. I can’t even do what I am good at because of my failure. What the hell happened to me to make me turn out like this. Why couldn’t I turn out like a normal human being. It’s seems too late now. Change is out of reach. all is hopeless.

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About aloneagain3

I am a wife and mother of 5 grown children... and 3 grandchildren.. I have been married for 29 years... I thought I did ok at life... turns out i sucked at it... but I am getting better!! View all posts by aloneagain3

2 responses to “Hopeless failure

  • Flaca

    Your not hopeless. A persons worth is not counted in a dust free home. Its in your capacity to love, feel and care. Hell my place always look like wreck! And I know at my core that I am a good person who has been hurt by the person I loved the most. I didn’t deserve this pain. You don’t deserve it either. With our without us WE are valuable, lovable and caring and don’t let your husband trick you into feeling bad. This pain we feel seems overwhelming but it cannot take us down. Sending you good wishes.

  • blogventer

    i’m having trouble in the job-hunt department, too. (Not that that makes you feel better. But you’re not alone.) I know what I want to do (write!) but I haven’t made any money at it so far. My house is also frequently a disaster-zone. I mean, I know it’s “clean,” like “not-germy,” but I give up cleaning the clutter a lot b/c whatever I pick up has something taking its place very quickly. 😦 Oh, well. Maybe you need to take one of those free, online personality tests to remind yourself what you WANT to do/what your interest are…?

    (Oh, and maybe one of those other grown ups who lives in your house could pick a room and clean it for you?) –> Sorry, don’t mean to sound judgmental. Not against you, at least.

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