I don’t belong

I’m beginning to feel that I am in the wrong group of bloggers.
Almost all of your husbands are trying so hard to earn your trust back, to show you how much they love you. My situation is so different.
I should find other women who are stupidly remaining true to their marriage vows in spite of being married to a man who does not deserve such loyalty.
I am grieving I am in a grief that I choose to live in. I can’t tell you why.
Maybe it is my Pollyanna optimism believing that by some miracle my husband will realize what he has done and actually care about my pain and stop! That some day he will return to the man he once was. And we can live out the rest of our lives together as once was our plan.
I KNOW my capacity for forgiveness.
If only he would care and want my forgiveness.

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About aloneagain3

I am a wife and mother of 5 grown children... and 3 grandchildren.. I have been married for 29 years... I thought I did ok at life... turns out i sucked at it... but I am getting better!! View all posts by aloneagain3

15 responses to “I don’t belong

  • thiswillnotdefineus

    I never know if it’s better to be reading blogs that have similar stories or different. I guess the further along you move on the journey, the more you need words of support, advice or experience from those traveling a similar path. But sometimes… it just nice to know I am not the only betrayed spouse in the world. You aren’t alone… and you are the voice for your story and life.

  • blogventer

    You’re not alone. My husband doesn’t care, either. He says he does, and he says he’s stopped communicating w/ his AP, but he doesn’t do anything to try to fix our marriage. We’re still under the same roof… but not for long….

    • aloneagain3

      My husband thinks every thing is ok when we are together. He just has her in his life too. I’m not sure exactly what he tells her to keep her hanging on bit it is not what he tells me about us. I do not believe he will ever leave me. But I’m not sure why he stays. He has a negative outlook on our future. He is resigned to the fact (his belief not mine) that we are going to be miserable and poor for the rest of our lives. I’m an eternal optimist and believe we can be
      Happy again some day. I’m praying we will

      • blogventer

        I keep you in my prayers, aloneagain. And I admire your dedication to your marriage. Mine won’t work, but maybe, just maybe, yours will. Hugs, honey. You are not alone. 🙂

    • aloneagain3

      I gave you are really great reply. But I don’t think it posted.

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    Aloneagain3,
    You’ve shown concern for me several times, and I so appreciate you for the kindhearted and generous woman you are! Now it’s time for me to administer some “TOUGH LOVE” on you today! There’s A LOT of reading for you below, so let’s get ready to rock!

    You are NOT in the “wrong group of bloggers”! You’re just reading certain situations and not paying attention to others. It SEEMS as if MOST of the BWs have remorseful and repentant WHs who are moving heaven and earth to earn their BWs’ trust back & to work with their BWs to rebuild marriages shattered by the WHs’ affair/s. It also SEEMS as if ALL of the BWs are willing to forgive their WHs and work together to preserve their marriages. HOWEVER, THIS IS NOT ALWAYS THE CASE.

    I am among those BWs who were abandoned by our WHs who did NOT love us anymore, did NOT want to rebuild the marriage, and did NOT want to live with us anymore. I’m also the mother of a recently-wayward Son who is, THANK GOD, NOT like his STILL-unremorseful and unrepentant father AT ALL! My WSon IS repentant and remorseful for his affair, and has truly learned his lesson. That is wonderful for my spectacular daughter-in-law (whom I absolutely adore) and their two precious children. I am ecstatic that my DIL is willing to forgive my WSon and to work with him to rebuild their marriage, and I wish that my WSon’s father had felt the same way about me that my WSon feels about his wife!

    Yet, with all that having been said, aloneagain3, I DO NOT feel as if I DON’T belong to the group you refer to in your post (the BWs whose WHs DO still love them)—even though I was personally not among their group in my actual life—because I have learned TONS and TONS through my experiences, and I can share my life lessons with others.

    Aloneagain3, you are apparently NOT noticing that there are MANY BSs who are CURRENTLY LIVING WITH and STILL IN LOVE WITH their WSs who ARE STILL ACTIVELY INVOLVED WITH THEIR APs in both emotional AND physical affairs. The BSs in these cases, do NOT feel as if they DON’T belong to the “group” you refer to, and they DON’T feel as if they are “stupidly remaining true to their marriage vows in spite of being married to a man who does not deserve such loyalty” (your words from your post). These betrayed women AND betrayed men (just like you AA3) remain in their marriages because they have hope and they believe in the permanence of marriage. MANY of them remain in their marriages because they recognize that their WSs are going through the INSANITY of midlife crisis. These BSs are called “Standers.” They are BSs who remain married even when the wayward husband or wayward wife behaves in ways that are destructive and damaging to the marriage; behaviors that include OPENLY having affairs and even filing for divorce from their betrayed wives or husbands.
    Here’s a comment from a woman who responded to the 4/23/13 “She said we should get divorced” post by Fulfilled Entrepreneur ( http://www.fulfilledentrepreneur.wordpress.com/2013/04/23/she-said-we-should-get-divorced ):
    –>FROM “midlifesurvivalguide” April 25, 2013 at 1:20 pm
    “[Your wife’s] willingness to do joint counselling is huge. I am the BS, and over two years later I am still ambivalent. My H reconnected with his emotional affair partner six months ago, and it is now a full physical affair. Yet I am not running to the courthouse as I am trying to stay focused on the big picture and the long-term effects on our teenage daughters. Stick to what you learned through Hoffman – it will see you through no matter how things end up between you and your wife. Know that a lot of us in cyberspace are rooting for you.”Rollercoasterider says March 30, 2013 at 6:33 pm
    1) did you ever reach a solid understanding on why your spouse had an affair?
    *Yes. Midlife Crisis—I could give a long response about that, but then I’ve done that across the 100s of pages of my website.
    3) do you feel now that, given what you do understand, you feel assured that this will not happen again?
    *Yes, but at the same time, I am no longer wearing rose-coloured glasses. I do not think it will, but I know it can. Of course, it’s not just about my understanding, it’s his as well.
    4) did it help you, emotionally, to understand why?
    *Yes.
    Had I not understood and accepted I would have felt betrayed anew each time he went back to the alienator. I would have believed him when he said it was over instead of believing he thought it was over. I knew that often he was genuine when he broke up with her and intended to come home and repair, but my understanding of MLC meant I knew he wasn’t ready and it would not be that simple. I knew he would cycle.
    Understanding what was happening psychologically to and in him as well as the relational dynamics of an Affair Down helped me to empathize and maintain my faith in the core person to whom I was married.
    5) how did you understand why – through counselling, talking, some other way?
    *Study and more study. I was active at an online forum. I saw a counselor in the beginning, but he just nodded as he listened. After that I started seeing a psychic—yes really. I saw her every other week for the first several months, then once a month and eventually every few months. I used the sessions as counseling sessions. She guided me to finding peace rather than focusing on his drama.
    I also saw a hypnotherapist to help me create/find/have peace and to help me withstand Standing—to not give up on my marriage even though he filed for divorce.
    Mirror-Work: Meditation, art therapy, more study, self-hypnosis, exercise, yoga…
    6) how long did it take until you felt you understood why?
    *My understanding was relatively quick given that he self-disclosed the affair before starting it and that it lasted 3.5 years. How long though? I somehow knew immediately that he would leave and start a physical relationship with her. I don’t know how, but it was not something I doubted, it was obvious from his erratic behavior and perhaps part intuition. That helped me to accept it as something I could not prevent.
    Since I began reading about MLC immediately and joined the forum, I learned that it took years and that when they say it’s over…it’s not. I accepted the process of MLC and that helped me to detach.
    I had my moments, but my stress response phase of severe panic and anxiety probably lasted 10-12 weeks. I lost 35 lbs in 6 weeks and by the time he moved out I weighed less than I had during all the years we had been together; he was drooling.
    7) was your spouse able to tell you why (initially)?
    *Here are some of the hilarious and stupid excuses he used in those first weeks:
    • I had frizzy hair. (Those are called natural curls buddy, and most people want hair like mine!)
    • She and he both did not like steak (not that he and I ever ate it—maybe we had it once or twice in the 10 years we had been together at that time). I think they both did like pizza. (Ah, true love)
    • He wanted to find out what it was like—to be with someone trashy. (As opposed to me who had been a virgin)
    • They were soul mates (Gottman eye-roll)
    • I’m not attracted to you. (Really, but you keep staring at me and trying to grab my a$$, huh)Rollercoasterider April 19th, 2013 at 2:02 pm
    Aloneagain3, I subscribe to so many of the blogs in our group that I don’t always read all of them and so I am so sorry that I have missed yours more than I have read it. Your husband is 5 hours away? Sorry to ask the obvious, but has he moved out? I know that he has a ‘friend,’ but what I don’t get from your brief byline is whether that means he still lives at home as well. And what does he want AND what do you want–regarding your relationship?

    Is it a midlife crisis and have you been to my website (maybe you are already registered, I can’t tell)? I know that you may not feel like you would participate by reading and helping others, but so what! I have a mentor program: I assign newbies who post a story thread a mentor who will follow you for 3 – 6 months. You might find that you get even more supporters to give HUGS if you join the forum and post your story–even if you don’t think it is MLC. HUGS, RCRReply from aloneagain3 to Rollercoasterider on April 19th, 2013 at 5:35 pm
    I was thinking I need to update my “about” section. I do think there is a big aspect that can be attributed to midlife and fallout from his inability to deal with his father’s death. It is all so complicated. I want to hear more about your forum. It sounds like something I might like to join. Thanks for reaching out. AA3Reply from RCR to AA3 on April 20th, 2013 at 4:51 am
    You can ask me anything you like–[either here on your blog] or email me (I think you have the email in your dashboard with my comments) or click through my name to my main website [ http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com ]. The main site has a lot of information about MLC that you can read up on to see if you think it is a fit—though if it’s not that doesn’t mean you aren’t still welcome. You are very welcome!<–Rollercoasterider

    Aloneagain3, IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO STOP BEATING UP ON YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND AND WANT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE! I'm in your corner, RCR is in your corner, and MANY other BSs are in your corner! CONTACT Rollercoasterider NOW! If just A FRACTION of the resources available to BSs & WSs nowadays was available to us 30 years ago, MAYBE things would have turned out differently for me and my first marriage. Who knows? 🙂

    Affectionately,
    1981

    • aloneagain3

      Thank you. Whole heartedly. Thank you.

    • Flaca

      I missed seeing you post 1981, I wondered where you’d been! I wish you were my MIL! Mine is a hateful, jealous and insecure woman who was happy when I threw my husband out and he moved back in with her. She’s very damaged and lonely. Your DIL is blessed to have someone so supportive of her role as a wife to your son who made a mistake but recognizes the importance of fixing his marriage. Continued blessings to you and your family!

  • betrayalsurvivor1981

    (I’m sorry, but some of my comments above vanished when I clicked on “Post Comment.” The “vanished” parts are reprinted below as excerpts from my above post, and not retyped in their entirety):

    Here’s a comment from a woman who responded to the 4/23/13 “She said we should get divorced” post by Fulfilled Entrepreneur ( http://www.fulfilledentrepreneur.wordpress.com/2013/04/23/she-said-we-should-get-divorced ):
    midlifesurvivalguide April 25, 2013 at 1:20 pm
    “[Your wife’s] willingness to do joint counselling is huge. I am the BS, and over two years later I am still ambivalent…Know that a lot of us in cyberspace are rooting for you.”

    Some BSs may feel that midlifesurvivalguide (MLSG) is “stupid” for remaining in a marriage with her husband who betrayed her over two years ago, and then he recently reconnected with his emotional affair partner and is now in a full-blown physical affair. I am NOT one of those BSs who feel this way, and MANY other BSs support “Standers” like MLSG. The phenomenal Rollercoasterider is one of these people. Her website ( The Hero’s Spouse http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com ) is for BSs who want to save their marriages even when the WSs are still OPENLY involved in affairs; some have left their BSs; and others have even filed for divorce from their BSs. RCR endured over four years of “hell” as her husband was mired in the INSANITY of his midlife crisis. A couple of months ago I saw RCR and her husband Chuck on the television program, “Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal” (on the Oprah Winfrey Network – OWN). RCR recently replied to a BS/WS survey on http://www.whyhaveanaffair.wordpress.com/2013/03/29/why
    1) did you ever reach a solid understanding on why your spouse had an affair?
    *Yes. Midlife Crisis…*Here are some of the hilarious and stupid excuses he used in those first weeks…”

    RCR wrote to you, aloneagain3, on your post http://www.aloneagain3.wordpress.com/2013/04/19/new-assignment-from-my-counselor:
    Aloneagain3, I subscribe to so many of the blogs in our group that I don’t always read all of them…I have a mentor program: I assign newbies who post a story thread a mentor who will follow you for 3 – 6 months. You might find that you get even more supporters to give HUGS if you join the forum and post your story–even if you don’t think it is MLC. HUGS, RCR

    Reply from aloneagain3 to Rollercoasterider on April 19th, 2013 at 5:35 pm
    I was thinking I need to update my “about” section…Thanks for reaching out. AA3

    Reply from RCR to AA3 on April 20th, 2013 at 4:51 am
    You can ask me anything you like…You are very welcome!

    Statement from betrayalsurvival1981 to aloneagain3:
    IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO STOP BEATING UP ON YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND AND WANT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE! I’m in your corner, RCR is in your corner, and MANY other BSs are in your corner! CONTACT Rollercoasterider NOW! If just A FRACTION of the resources available to BSs & WSs nowadays was available to us 30 years ago, MAYBE things would have turned out differently for me and my first marriage. Who knows?
    Affectionately, 1981

  • Flaca

    i understand how you feel. but i would ask that you try not to compare your situation to the other betrayed spouses. we are all in different but similarly horrible places. i try not to compare my situation to others in the blogs here. if i did i would probably not blog because at first i was so ashamed. it seemed like to me that my case and my cheating husband seemed like the worst!

    why?
    because my husband DID leave me for his OW.
    he was IN LOVE with her
    he TOLD he hated me and thought i was ugly
    she is younger and prettier (other AP are not but my CS’ was)
    my CS didn’t confess right away & cut off contact like some other cheating husbands did
    he IS a truth trickler and still hasn’t told me the truth

    i know that when some betrayed spouses read my blog they think that i am dumb and that they wouldn’t accept what my CS did to me. they might compare and say, well at least my husband didn’t leave me. that’s ok. that’s their story not mine. i can only heal me and offer to help through my story.

    stay strong sweetie… we are there for you. this is the one place you should feel FREE to vent, whine, rage, complain and share. you are NOT alone. i think your husband wants to find his way back. perhaps like mine he is afraid?

    • aloneagain3

      He is afraid. Although he blames me
      For his fears. I do not accept responsibility. He was not partnering with me in managing our household. He says he didn’t because he trusted me and I let him down. His justification for his affair. She has money and represents all he feels he will never have. She is 18 years younger than him. Ten years younger than me. And only nine years older than our oldest son. I don’t think he wants a life with her. But she lets him be supportive of her and her of him without any of the responsibility. I have been here for thirty years. And I’m not going anywhere.

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