Category Archives: death

remembering my dad.

19 years ago tomorrow my daddy died.

the last thing he ever said to me was “daddy loves you”     I was not a little girl, but those words meant so much to me, every time we said good-bye on the phone.

OH how I miss him, what a comfort he would be to me now.  How I would love to sit in front of him as he brushed my hair.  how wonderful would it be to have a bowl of popcorn with him before bed.  To hear him call me “coon” or “Coonie Jane” again.

No man (or person for that matter) has ever loved me like he did, not even my biological father.

I hope he would be proud of my commitment and the choices I am making at this time in my life.

I want a new lot.

as if my life wasn’t crazy enough.  at 3:30 am on december 8  I got a call from the trauma unit at the ER.  My daughter was there and was asking for me.  I asked the nurse if he could tell me what had happened, he said yes.  “she was shot.”


“Yes, in the butt. with a 20-gauge shotgun,  She is going to be ok, no organs were hit, they will be doing tests to see the extent of the damage.”

“I have her son with me, I will be there as soon as I can get someone to watch him.”

I didn’t realize that my son, who has been staying with us for about a month while he waited to get his electricity turned back on, was home.  Thank God he was here and I was able to leave at once.

My younger daughter accompanied me to the hospital where they took us right in to see her.

I asked her what happened? who shot you?

It was my grandson’s father.  and it was an accident.   or was it?    How does a man who has been raised around guns unknowingly have a loaded gun in his house?

We feel that he didn’t shoot her on purpose, but I think he did point the gun at her while showing off or goofing off for his friend.

he was arrested.  he immediately lost his job.

She is in the hospital.  She will have to be attached to a wound-vac for two months.  I don’t know yet what this means for her job.

really I am not one to use foul language but all I can think to say is  “what the fuck”

I wonder why it had to be my lot in life to have not normal things happen to them and those around them.

let me give you a quick summary of the craziness that accompanies me.

  1. My mother died when I was six.
  2. My father handed us over to the social worker a year later.
  3. My aunt and uncle adopted us  (one of the best things that ever happened to me)
  4. My new father was by-polar and had a depressive episode in the first few years of our lives with them.
  5. He then had a manic episode when I was a teenager.
  6. I became pregnant at the age of 20, married, became a step mother,  had a baby, and then had an abortion all in the same year.
  7. We moved seven hours away from our families.
  8. had a baby, then a miscarriage.
  9. My mother (the aunt that adopted me) died when I was 29. My Father (her husband) had another manic episode. followed by a depressive episode.
  10. I had a very pre-mature baby that same year.
  11. The man my husband worked for committed suicide.  It somehow fell upon us to go and tell his ex-wife and children.
  12. one month later my Dad died.  the same week that my husband was offered a new job 5 hours away from the home we had made for ourselves for the past nine years.
  13. We moved, bought a house. Had death threats made toward my husband.
  14. He was fired a few years later.  got another job, then another,  then landed the first job that required us to live apart.
  15. fast forward to loosing that job, loosing his father, getting a new job that still kept us apart.
  16. then what I call his summer of discontent.  which lead to the affair.
  17. my two suicide attempts.
  18. His mothers cancer and ultimate death.
  19. his continuing affair.
  20. my deciding to return to school at the age of 50.
  21. intense couples therapy.
  22. and now my daughter gets shot!

Will this craziness ever end or is this truly my lot in life?    If it is   I want a new lot.  Please.

a crock of shit.

almost two months ago my Mother-in-law died.    the estrangement between us and the rest of the in-laws began then.  not really a word from my sister-in-law at all.  untill tonight. via Facebook message. 

We have been accused of steeling a crock.  yes a crock.  apparently said crock belongs to her.  it was in the mother-in-laws basement.  I didn’t know there was crock in the basement. 

She had deduced that we had to be the ones who took it because our family was at the house by ourselves.  that is true, because the rest of the family went to a hotel and spent all their time together at the hotel.  with out us. We were actually quite hurt by their absence. 

Really? A crock.    At our house we are still adjusting to the fact that our loved one has died. 

I wonder who has the crock anyway.  or is all of this just a crock of shit. 


a whole lot of unfriending going on.

July 28

there is a whole lot of unfriending going on around here.  Facebook unfriending that is. 

The husband unfriended his siblings and their children the day after his mother’s funeral. 

Our nephew unfriended me that same day. 

My daughter-in-law unfriended me.  I’m not really sure when, I just noticed it today. 

The husband’s ex-wife thought that he unfriended her… he didn’t… he deactivated his whole account. 

My sister-in-law unfriended me today.  I guess she didn’t like the conversation I had with her today.  I was a bit emotional and she probably isn’t the one I should have been talking to.

finally I unfriended the husband’s ex-wife.   I should have listened to my brother’s wife and unfriended her right after the funeral.  My brother’s wife is usually right about things. 

I am kind of making light of a sad and serious break down of a family.  Although the family was never all that close a adults anyway.  Which makes me wonder why we think that the death of the matriarch would change that. 

There is a great deal of pain involved.  and in the case of some of the people in this family pain manifests itself into anger.  And anger leads to  unforgiveness. 

I pray that time will heal the wounds and the family can move on. 


what’s it all about?

July 27

lets talk about sex. 

a younger person recently told me that it truly is all about sex.  Is it?

I have found that I am different that many other women I talk with.  Not that we specifically talk about sex.  but they make it clear that sex is much more important to their husbands than it is to them.  It seems as though things have always been the opposite in my marriage. 

According to this younger person, who is a male, if the sex is good a man will do anything for you.  and that is where the love he feels for you comes from. 

I beg to differ with this young gentleman.  Although I think sex is very,very important.  I don’t think it is a good barometer for love in a relationship.  So many other things play a part. 

That being said.   I want to say that I want to have sex.  often.  more often than the  husband and I actually have sex.  But even more than that I want my husband to want to have sex with me.  I want to know that he dreams about it.  that he craves it.  I want to be the utmost object of his desire. 

I am going to get to be in the same town as the husband for the next week or so.  and guess what.  we won’t have sex that much.  (unless maybe he reads this)  He is in too much pain.  His grief is too overwhelming.  So it is ok that we don’t have sex.  Now that is what is most important in a relationship.  Knowing what the other person is going through and putting aside your own wants, desires, and needs for them. 

I am going to be with him so he is not alone.  (even though he thinks he wants to be alone)   So I can comfort him when he cries.  When he misses his mother.  when he needs me.

a spiral staircase

July 13

feeling that deep sadness again.  I suppose it is grief from my mother-in-laws death.  But I am not certain of that. 

I am frightened That the husband will begin to push me away like he did after his father’s death. 

I can’t seem to get a handle on everyday life.  Things need to be done and I have no desire or motivation to do them.  Even though they are important.

again I am alone in my depression. I can not turn to the  husband, he is on the edge himself with his own understandable grief.  He is now swamped with getting things back in order at his work.  How can I help him in this time of sorrow when I am in this frame of mind. 

I feel like I am on a spiral staircase, going downward.

aftermath of loss

July 12

I am feeling a plethora of emotions right now.

I am sad.  Sad that my Mother-in-law is no longer with us.

I am happy.  Happy that she is no longer suffering.

I am relieved.  Relieved that we no longer  have to rearrange our lives to care for her. (not that I was not glad and privileged to do that for her)

I am angry.  Angry about the lack of respect afforded me by her and her daughter.

I am grateful.  grateful that she got a chance to benefit from my kindheartedness in the last months of her life. and that she grew to appreciate me and even love me. 

I am hurt.  Hurt by the inconsiderate inclusion of my husbands ex-wife in the planing of her funeral. 

I am resentful. Resentful that some of these issues were not dealt with a long time ago, by myself or by others. 

I am defensive.  Defensive of the stance my husband has taken toward his brother and sister in light of the disrespect he felt from them.

I am hopeful.  Hopeful that fences can be mended some day.  however at this point it is only a glimmer of hope.

I am not sure if it would be helpful to go over in detail all that has happened or to let it left unsaid.  probably best to let it rest and concentrate on issues I can actually do something about.