It has been a long time since I’ve posted. Mostly because I’m not sure this is a safe place to express my feelings anymore. I have a feeling the OW might check here. But then again she might not.
Aside from the on going problems of my family, we are now nearing the end of the small financial resources we had to keep the bills paid. The husband is depressed over this and his unemployment.
We spent the weekend apart. I at my brothers and him at home. I did not handle it well. Mistrust and anxiety consumed me at times. I had trouble sleeping. However when I did manage to keep it together I had an enjoyable time scrapbook -ing with my sister-in-law.
The husband seems less pessimistic about our future. He says he has some ideas about keeping the bills, especially our mortgage paid. I have faith about that. However the more important issue for me is our relationship. A relationship that does not include any others. I still have faith about that too. God is good and will see us through.
Here is what is new.
1 I have a job interview on October 2.
2 I have had some students sign up for my classes and have enjoyed teaching the classes.
3 the husband is in the top three for a job (out-of-town again) we need him to get it for our finances… but I do not want to go through him being gone. although sometimes it feels like he is gone when he is right next to me.
Here is what is old.
1 I am still depressed… but not as much
2 The husband still has HER in his life. (I still hate her)
3 He still won’t forgive me for his perceived offenses toward him.
4 My children at still needy and stressful!!!
I am still committed to my husband and my marriage. I may have to distance myself from the hurt and pain he causes, but I am not going to end our marriage anytime soon. I have faith (although it may be the size of a mustard seed) that our marriage will be restored. I don’t know when. I don’t know how. but I know it will.
I love him. I was even beginning to doubt that. But through some prayer I realize that I do love him. I pray he will love me again too. God can and I believe he wants our marriage to work.
I am trusting in that.
I had a session with my counselor today, and described my life as a rollercoaster ride. not one where there are days of ups followed by days of downs, more like minutes of ups and then minutes of downs. I am tired of rollercoasters. the ups are too high and the lows are too low. I want some consistency, maybe rolling gentle hills and valleys.
I think I could use a little “Eat, Pray, Love” time.
I have plans to take a trip to a friend’s wedding in may, after I graduate. going to take the train, rent a car, attend the wedding, then head to a time share location for a week. all by myself. I will have to think of a cleaver name for this trip. maybe “Rails, Vows, ???” can’t think of a one word description for the time at the resort right now. Maybe the title will come after the experience.
I plan to use the time to reconnect with God, reflect on my life, and review my future options. and maybe continue my family history research I am doing for a class.
here is to MY future.
Trying to pray.
Can’t seem to get the words formed.
From a distance.
Longing to move closer.
Not sure what is in the way.
Myself I guess.
God loves me anyway.