Today My Life Begins, and so does yours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQSQar9y8b4&list=WLNbhvm308ecLKEJWHOofAz8HU_befL-s7

This song is for all of us…

It is time we all Choose ourselves, whatever that means for us. 

For me that means being happy, even when the pain of what I am going through creeps in, or hits me in the face.   No matter what happens between my husband and I, I am going to be happy.  

In the end I am positive that He and I will be a happily married couple again.    either way I am Joyful in who I am.

You can too!   I love you all!!! 

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Amazing

An amazing thing happened today. I woke up happy today. Really happy.
Nothing has really changed with my circumstances have not changed. But my attitude and self worth have. I have been working on choosing to be happy. I don’t need every thing to be right in my life to be happy. It is a very good feeling.


The big reveal

This is me. Well it was me a few years ago although I pretty much look the same.

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I think this is what my husband was/is thinking.

destroying

Wish he would just get it over with already.  


Eyes, Attitudes, and Dark Tunnels with a Bright Spot.

So the craziness of my life continues.  

This week I went to the eye doctors to get a check up— it had been about 3 or 4 years.  and to order much needed new glasses.  

I have had floaters in my eyes for as long as I can remember.  but the ones I had the past month or so have been unusually large, so I told the Dr about them.  She dilated my eyes and took a look inside.  when she was done she said she needed to send me to an  ophthalmologist specializing in retina issues.  It seems I had a horseshoe tear in the tissue behind my eye that they decided to repair right then.  So I had a laser treatment done.  Nothing is ever straight forward for me anymore. (More so since d-day)  I ended up with a two day headache which resulted in me have to go and get my eye pressure measured again. (a 35.00 charge which I thought should have been gratis)  Pressure was good and the headache has subsided.  

I am still feeling better depression wise. but I have to monitor my thoughts to keep from sliding back down.  

I have not seen my husband since the 9th of April.  We are supposed to go away for a weekend in two weeks.  I am planning out how I want it to go in my head.  I should not do this because it probably will not turn out that way and I will be disappointed..  

He is so extremely negative about life right now.  I know it is hard not having the money he thinks we should have.  He told me it was my fault again tonight.  But I honestly think he would stay away even if he could make money at home.  except that he misses our grandson very much.  He is the reason my husband wants to be here at all.  I think he would be OK with never seeing me again. (although he did tell me he missed me the other night without it being a response to something I said.) I think he would really prefer being away, and enjoy it if we had more money.  I don’t think he ever wants to come home no matter what.  I think he likes having me here at home as his wife who aids him in having a good reputation.  He can play the poor me card with anyone he wants to, telling them how hard it is to be away.  I can’t deny that he could not find a job here.  but I just think if he really wanted to be home with me he would be.  I guess one could argue that if I really wanted to be with him I would be there where he is.  I suppose that is true although he keeps telling me that his job is going to end soon, so if I moved there, quitting my job  here, where would we be then.  forced to come back here with no job for either one of us.  
it is an awful situation.  I see no light at the end of this dark tunnel we are in especially with my husbands negative attitude.  
Ok enough of my own negativity.  
I am a bright spot in my own dark tunnel!  even if I am the only one who knows it!    

 

 

 


Second chances

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Love you vs I love you.

One thing I’ve noticed about the effects of an affair on a person is an attention to details.
For example our family has always expressed love for one another verbally. We still do. It used to be perfectly fine for my husband to say “love you”. Now I it bothers me when he doesn’t say “I love you”. It makes a difference some how. Like he loves me but it isn’t romantic love. Or am I being nit picky.