Tag Archives: adult children

My life and welcome to it. or should I say you can have it.

I thought I would tell you about the tenor of my home at this time. 

first of all there are three adult women living here.  That in and of its self can be trouble, but add-on the fact that all three of us are suffering from some degree of depression.
 I am 51 years old and still for the most part pre-menopausal I have had recent health issues with iron levels and complications from procedures that I had done. I am very depressed and am not the same person I was four years ago.
My oldest daughter just turned 30. She started school full-time in January so she does not have a job. She has health issues as well. Her thyroid levels were very high but she seems to be feeling better since she finally began taking her medication. She is the single mother of my four-year old grandson. She is also depressed and sees a counselor twice a month. She is the type of person who can’t stand to see someone else happy when she is not. When she is in a bad mood it is best to just get out of her way. She feels she is always helping everyone else and no one helps her. She was always her dad’s favorite and has used that to get her way on many occasions. She has at times gotten between my husband and me.
My youngest child and daughter is 22. At the moment she works two jobs, both a large retail chains. Both don’t offer enough hours or enough pay. She would like to start school but seems to be very afraid. She has a boyfriend who loves her dearly. I don’t think she loves him the way he loves her. She drinks too much. I believe she abuses alcohol as an escape from life. I wouldn’t say she is a full-blown alcoholic yet, but if things don’t change that seems to be the path she is on. She has begun seeing a counselor twice a month as well. They are working on her self-esteem. Her physical health seems to be well with the exception of some yet to diagnosed seasonal allergies. She is very angry at her father. He has been away working for the better part of her life. He also is harder on her about her life choices or lack there of. The older she gets, however, the more of him I see in her, and it isn’t his better qualities.
Also living here is my 4-year-old grandson. Believe it or not he is also seeing a counselor, once a week. He has anger issues, I’m not sure if he has a definite diagnosis or not. He has a hard time listening when he really wants to do something. He is also the biggest sweetheart, and has a lot of love. He is very intelligent which can get him in trouble. He goes to preschool through the head start program and we get behavior reports on him almost daily. He attends an anger management play group which he loves to go to. He almost never sees his dad which has contributed to his anger. In reality I co-parent him with his mother, but I am not sure she would like to admit to that. I stay out of her parenting of him when she is home though. part of my effort not to feel responsible for everyone and everything.
Then there are the animals.
I have two dogs. I used to spend a great deal of time investing in my dogs training and care. Then came D-day and the following depression. the dogs have suffered I am sorry to say. My male dog, although he is neutered, will pee on boxes and bags and sometimes furniture. He also likes to poop in my office. They both like to get into the trash and distribute it all over the kitchen. They both like to eat underwear and sometimes the crotch of a pair of pants. When let loose in the house (they are house dogs) they scavenge for food, knowing they will find it since no one takes their plates to the kitchen when they are finished with them.
The two cats that reside here belong to my son, who now lives tow hours away. They have been here for about three years. They are actually not too much of a bother except for the fact that they need fed and the litter box needs cleaning. both of which I tend to neglect most of the time. the boy cat who is also neutered, is always going outside even though we do not really want him to. The female hasn’t been a very friendly cat, but she is coming around after all these years. My son is planning on moving them with him but I am not sure when. Today the male actually caught two small mice in the house, that was a good thing.
the last inhabitant of the house is my bird,two weeks ago I had two birds, but one of them met an untimely death at the hands of the grandson, one of the dogs may have been involved as well. At any rate I have one bird, a cocatiel. she creates a big mess around her cage and I am not that good at keeping it clean either. It is sad to me that my animals have always been good companions to me, at this time in my life they are only something else I am responsible for. I am ashamed of this.

This is all I have to deal with on a daily basis. Alone. The husband when included, will simply hang up the phone if he doesn’t want to deal with it, of course if he chooses to become involved he tells us all, how badly we handle things, and how he can’t take the chaos, and why would he want to come home to this. Maybe it should be for the same reason I am still here, they are my family! It is crazy. It is my life.  

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Let no good deed….

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If the picture actually posted it is my oldest daughters birthday cake for the big party she is having that she had decided not to have. And then decided to have it. She hates the cake. I actually hate the cake too.
I have always made cakes for my families birthdays ALWAYS.
This year I told them I was going to buy them. Then this party came up and it is a milestone birthday. At first I was going to get the cake decorating instructor to make it. But she was going out of town. So I made the cake. Of course she couldn’t let me just do it. She had to help. She wants things the way SHE wants them. A good example of let no good deed go unpunished
I need a drink.


One shinning spot.

The 26 almost 27 year old moved out of town today.
Bittersweet for me. I am so happy for the opportunity he has taken advantage of to move into an area where he can advance in his career. He will do well. I am proud of him
I am sad I won’t get to see him as much. He didn’t live with me. And is quite self sufficient for the most part. It was nice when he came over and spent time with me. It was nice when he did little jobs to help me out.
At least he is only two hours away. Close enough to go for a visit just for the day or the weekend. And close enough for him to get home once in a while too.
He is my shinning spot in this crazy life I live. At least he is now!


Ashamed

I had a horrible fight with both of my daughters today.

They really know how to hit below the belt.

They need to go. I need to make them go.

I wish I could find the strength to make people stop treating me like second class shit.

I feel weak and hopeless.

And I am getting absolutely nothing done. I am in a hole unable to dig myself out. I’m ashamed.


I want

Tonight I just want to have a nice conversation. About positive things. I really want this conversation to be with my husband.
We didn’t speak to each other tonight we sent texts.
1st topic
What are you doing.
ME. helping the 29 year old clean out her room.
HIM. Netflix.
I later told him I had the daughter stop cleaning and get her son to bed while I cleaned off her bed so she could get some school work done and go to bed. And other information regarding her.

2nd topic
What are you watching.
HIM. a show about Australian animals.
ME. Australia has the worlds most deadly animals. Just a little trivia I know.
ME. Remember when we used to watch Boston Legal at the same time and I would call you when something crazy happened?
HIM. yes. That was when we both had cable ūüė¶
ME. that was supposed to be a happy memory.
ME. that was before I lost interest in tv. Lol.

3rd topic
The weather
ME. I had to turn the heater on in the bedroom tonight
HIM I bet. It’s supposed to get really cold
ME. It is 11 degrees right now
HIM. 33 here
ME. And we are supposed to get an inch or two is snow
HIM. that sucks
ME. yes I hate it.

4th topic.
Food
ME. Did you eat with the [people he is staying with] tonight?
NOT READ YET. Which means he fell asleep.

I want more.

We have conversations like this and then I start to wonder, conjure up, and obsess over what his conversations with Her are like. Are they trivial too? If they are is that good or bad?

I want MY fucking husband back. I want to have mundane conversations and not think anything of it. I want to have loving conversations and not have to wonder if he really feels that way or if he is placating me. I want her out of his life completely. I WANT MY FUCKING HUSBAND BACK. AND I WANT HIM TO BE BETTER THAN EVER!!!!


Making a plan is useless around here.

I’m out with my youngest for her friends birthday.
I always think I want to go and then I get there and wonder what I’m doing here.
There is karaoke so I could sing. And sometimes I do but I don’t feel like it tonight.
Probably because the oldest daughter is now in a mood cause she didn’t get done what she wanted to and now doesn’t have time to go out herself.
Some how some way every time I decide to go out some one puts a damper on it.
I had plans to get a lot of things done this weekend too. I got nothing done as well. We spent all of today baking and decorating the cake for my daughters friend.
I will be going home soon. Then maybe the oldest will get to do whatever it is she wants to do


expectations.

The first day of the new year is over and done with.  no big new years day dinner.  no anything.  I spent most of the day in bed.  I really only got up because my son needed his work shoes at work.

I then decided to take the ornaments off the tree.  the tree however is still in its temporary home in my living room dropping an excessive amount of needles.

Then back to bed for a while.

my next big task for the first day of the new year was to wash dishes.  can not wait till the dishwasher is fixed.  the second I finished washing them the 29 year old got herself something to eat, resulting in new dirty dishes in the sink.

after that I sat and played a couple of games on my iPhone then came up to my room with the intentions of paying bills. or at least seeing what needed to be paid.  but first of course I went to bed.

I am not sure what to expect from this new year.   I feel like so much is expected of me.

Be a good wife. ¬† ¬†translation; let me do what ever I want and don’t “bust my balls” or “pound” me about it

Be a good mother.  translation; Watch my son, cook my meals, pay for everything, clean the house, and tell me how much you appreciate everything I do for you.

Be a good employee. ¬†translation; ¬†work when we schedule you, even if it is only three hours a day three days a week, go back to the bottom of the “food chain” and be told what to do by everyone, not just the bosses, and you are a good worker so we will let the bad worker stay in the position you had because there is less customer contact.

Be good to yourself. ¬†Translation; ¬†tell everyone to go jump off a cliff and begin again… but that isn’t what I want.

so goals for 2013?

OK

number one.    push the 29 year old and her chickadee out of the nest.

Oh, goals need a time frame?

by the end of  January?    That would be nice.