So I agreed to babysit so my daughter could go to her work Christmas party. Of course she had to go out after the party too.
I have been trying to get her son to sleep for two hours now. He won’t go cause she isn’t home. I sent her a text and she just ignored them Said she would be gone at midnight. The party was over at ten. Ok it is now ten after midnight. Sounds like I am being unreasonable. However she is never home when she says she will be.
I have a head cold. I have to work at ten am I have stuff I need to do for the holidays. I don’t have have time for this.
I suppose it wouldn’t be so infuriating of she would do what is asked of her. Like the simple task of putting the clean silverware away. No that was too much to ask of her.
She says she is moving out. I hope she does. I have had enough.
not as angry as I was yesterday or the day before, but still angry.
I do not like being angry. I think it is a waste of time and energy. yet here I am feeling angry, almost all of the time.
OK I just started reading the book for my first class on the internet… I am actually excited. Just what I needed to take my mind off of being angry, and focus on something good for me.
and then the negative thoughts about being able to do this begin to creep in. Time for some positive self-talk.
I am an intelligent woman, I am a remarkable woman.
I am excited about and interested in the class I am taking. That means that I can do this and do it well.
Social Psychology, here I come.
I felt extremely angry tonight. at many things. but mostly at my husband.
here we are in the middle of a family crisis and my mind is occupied with thoughts of him and Her.
When I mentioned something about her over the weekend, he said “can’t we have just one “Her” free weekend?” I told him tonight that he wants a “her” free weekend, but I would like a “her” free life.
so I am angry. angry that I can’t concentrate on the urgent issues such as caring for my daughter and my grandson to the full extent because my mind is occupied. angry that I have to handle all of this on my own.
I am tired of living alone. of being the one who has to do everything. I am tired of being relied on as if I were an employee.
I am not an employee… I am a wife.
The husband said not to long ago something about me getting more bitter and more angry. I’m not sure about the bitter part, but yes I am getting more angry. because there is more to be angry about. every day that passes that she is not out of our lives, I get more and more angry.
to stop the anger one of us is going to have to go, and if it isn’t going to be her it will be me.
I am angry!
I want to get even and kick some ass. I want to throw in the towel and give up. I want to get my fucking way (pardon my french)
again I am at the point where I am trying to get used to the idea that my marriage is more than likely over. But I still don’t want to be the one to end it.
I don’t want to give them what they want.
I am such an idiot, stupid woman, who must have the self-worth of a flea.
what makes me put up with the lies and the betrayal? love for him or loathing for myself?
I feel stuck. stuck loving someone who so obviously does not love me.
and now that he has quit taking his medicine, he has begun to be critical of everything I do. I can not make one mistake without being made to feel stupid. everything irritates him. and I am walking on eggshells. Yet I don’t want to be anywhere else but with him. does that make me crazy?
I want to fix this. I want my old happy life back. The one where he loved me so much he would never talk to me or treat me the way he did other people.
People would ask me (as they do now) how do you live with him? I would tell them “he is good to me and he treats me like a princess.” I want that back.
I am praying that it will change soon. I have to be on guard not to let myself feel the way I was feeling last year when I tried to kill myself. I must not give him to power to do that to me again. I have to be strong.
I am still going to fight for what I want. and that is a whole marriage again without the intrusion of others. I am going to fight harder and meaner than before.
She is not going to win.
Now if only I knew how.
i am a bit sore today after our hike yesterday. but i did manage to get my 10000 plus steps in for the day.
we enjoyed most of the day at the pool swimming and relaxing. also spent some time with my sister and her grandchildren at the pool
so it was another good vacation day.
however we did get calls from home. my car broke down and will probably need a high dollar repair. We have asked the kids to work on getting it diagnosed and begin the work. we will see wjat happens.
the husband got a call from work about a problem that he took care of by phone.
vacation can never be a complete vacation.
i didn’t spend too much time worrying but i did ask the husband if he has contacted “her’ he told me he had today to ask about a dr appointment she had. i am trying not to let on too much but it does piss me off. why if that is all he wanted to talk to her about does he have to keep it from me… at least he told me when i asked.
i feel as if they both think I am unreasonable or crazy. i really wish the husband would honor my wishes and stop talking to her without me being present. it really makes me ANGRY!!!!!!