When you file for unemployment there is a “waiting week” or a period of time after the unemployment occurs and when you can begin to file for benefits. I kind of feel like this past week has been my waiting week for the future of my marriage, will it continue as we are with the addition of counseling, or will we separate?
We haven’t spent time talking about it much in the last few days. I don’t know what is going to happen on friday when we see my counselor again. I think the Husband would like our marriage to remain in the status quo. in other words he wants his cake and to eat it too. I can not see that happening. I hate living not knowing what is going on. The mistrust is awful. He went to get a cup of coffee at our local convenient store tonight and my fist thought was, “you are going so you can make a phone call” then when the trip took what may have been a legitimate length of time, but I thought it was long I began to get upset.
I spent the better part of the evening filling out an application for welfare, and I wondered if this was an exercise in futility. Is our household size going to change come friday. will I be looking for another place to live, will he?
The Husband stated today in a text to me that I always seem so angry. Is it any wonder? He has had a mistress since October of 2009. There are many times when he still treats me as though I am the dumbest women in the world. So yes I am angry. and hurt, and sad, and depressed. I find myself very depressed again. Not wanting to wake up, or get out of bed. Not wanting to deal with my family, especially not wanting to care for my Grandson.
There is so much to do here at the house. and I can’t seem to get it done. So much to do for myself and my career development and I can’t seem to get it done. So much to do for my current job. and I can’t seem to get it done. So on top of the anger, hurt, sadness and depression, I also feel guilty and useless.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. and maybe the waiting will be over and I can move forward in whatever direction that may be. Here is to forward motion! (even if it scares me to death)
I guess I did a stupid thing tonight. I decided to follow through with my plan to get the exam due by midnight on the 27th out-of-the-way early so I could get ahead on the work for the next couple of days, even though the grandson was not fully asleep.
He interrupted me enough that I did not get the test submitted before time ran out, by seconds.
now I have a zero on the exam. I have sent an email to the professor asking that she accept it anyway and the reason why I exceeded the time limit. We will see what she says.
so my grade has gone from an 89% to a 71% because of this. I am more than pissed. at myself, at my grandson, at my daughter for taking so long to get home. and at my son who came home but didn’t stay to help me out. I am so tired of being angry and for having reasons to be angry.
I am angry!
I want to get even and kick some ass. I want to throw in the towel and give up. I want to get my fucking way (pardon my french)
again I am at the point where I am trying to get used to the idea that my marriage is more than likely over. But I still don’t want to be the one to end it.
I don’t want to give them what they want.
I am such an idiot, stupid woman, who must have the self-worth of a flea.
what makes me put up with the lies and the betrayal? love for him or loathing for myself?
I feel stuck. stuck loving someone who so obviously does not love me.
and now that he has quit taking his medicine, he has begun to be critical of everything I do. I can not make one mistake without being made to feel stupid. everything irritates him. and I am walking on eggshells. Yet I don’t want to be anywhere else but with him. does that make me crazy?
I want to fix this. I want my old happy life back. The one where he loved me so much he would never talk to me or treat me the way he did other people.
People would ask me (as they do now) how do you live with him? I would tell them “he is good to me and he treats me like a princess.” I want that back.
I am praying that it will change soon. I have to be on guard not to let myself feel the way I was feeling last year when I tried to kill myself. I must not give him to power to do that to me again. I have to be strong.
I am still going to fight for what I want. and that is a whole marriage again without the intrusion of others. I am going to fight harder and meaner than before.
She is not going to win.
Now if only I knew how.
Thank God the Yard Sale is Over!!!
Grand total for the two-day sale… $28.00 Woo Hoo!!!
The best part is that I had lined up a guy to come and take the rest of the stuff away. He took most of what I had for him to take. All I have to get rid of is a bunk bed frame, two chairs and some smaller stuff.
I did keep the things that I had hand painted, and the Princess House items. I will either list them on craigs list or give them as gifts.
I am angry that I had to do it all on my own. I am tired of doing things on my own. I understand that it had to be this way due to the mother-in-law being in the hospital, but I still am a bit angry.
As soon as I got the yard sale put away it was time to get ready for work. I then worked from 2:00 – 9:30. My daughter was waiting for me ( I had her car) when I got done and we went to pick up the grandson. She is now out for the evening, and the grandson is in bed, but not asleep. He just called me. I am really too tired to watch him tonight. If he does not go to sleep soon I will be calling his Mother.
Tomorrow will be a cleaning day. Dishes, laundry, front porch, back yard. at least that is my plan. Of course I will be babysitting most of the day.
I have many things on my mind these days but for tonight I am just going to enjoy the fact that the yard sale is over!
March 17 Well it was a minute ago… so we are gonna say it still is for purposes of this post.
For some reason this evening I have been anxious. I have no reason to be, yet I still feel anxious. I also found myself very angry at one point. I am not longer angry, but I am still anxious.
I guess I will have days like this.
I wonder does this anxious, nervous energy burn calories? that would be great. I need to lose about 20 to 25 lbs.
I had trouble sleeping last night, I am chalking that up to the 2 cans of dr pepper I had that evening. I was tired tonight after I came home from work but no longer feel tired. I hope I can sleep. I did drink more soda tonight. but I don’t think it will be the problem… I think it is my anxiety.
I just don’t feel right. What the heck. I was feeling much more normal last week and earlier this week. now I feel this sence of chaos in my mind and body.
I hope the vacation will help.
I am rambling. Sorry. I am no longer comfortable with my chaos.